As the hubbub of October events draw to an end, and the time changes backwards, I have been feeling the familiar constriction in my whole being as winter approaches and the sun hangs lower. The holidays used to be a bright spot, but now they are a reminder of the one who is not here.
Don't get me wrong, I have moments of contentment and even joy, many of them. Acceptance of Adam's death grows stronger. There are days I believe all lives are short, even those who live to 100, and we will all be together somewhere sooner than later. I'm reminded that the pleasure of growing old or older is compromised by seeing more and more death. A 55 year old woman died this week in our little town, the mayor's wife, who was seemingly full of beauty and light. We will all deal with death in time, so that is comforting and makes me more human. I'm nothing special.
So it is time to hunker down and focus on projects that can be done indoors, and keeping as physically active as I can (thank you fitbit). And before I blink my eyes, spring will be here again, and the cycle continues.
I could have not have asked for two better events: Out of the Darkness Macomb/McDonough County last week, and Springfield yesterday. The weather was cool and cloudy but clear. Driving into Springfield the 3 smokestacks are always the familiar beacon and I heard the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran. I was the first to arrive, always nervous who will attend the Springfield Walk and how we will find each other as the crowd is usually in the thousands, or seems like it anyway. Cal was first to arrive followed by Betsy. I knew Matt W was coming from Arizona for the first time, and I wasn't sure I would recognize him. Ashleigh and Tim rolled up next with two more friends from Edwardsville, Michael Nickerson (known to Betsy as Ned Nickerson, Nancy Drew's boyfriend- how she remembers this I don't know) and Nick Ludwig (dead ringer for Nick Jonas).
Nickerson is in a full foot and calf cast and can't walk much. Ashleigh phoned Matt and he was on his way with Zach. Jon was dealing with an overflowing toilet but would make it soon. We then saw Sam and met his girlfriend. A pale young man named Michael joined us, and hauntingly reminded me of Adam. He said he knew Adam, but not well. Brent and his wife Kallie completed the group, and I was happy for the great showing of support and caring, most of these 'kids' were at Adam's memorial service in 2016, and I didn't get to talk to them much at all, so this opportunity each year is especially important to me.
(some thought it was macabre to pose with goofy props)
After the Walk I had reservations at Kiku, the first restaurant that Adam worked at in Springfield, but they didn't open until 4:30 and it was only a little after 3. The group decided to meet for a drink at Mowie's Cue, a pool hall/pub near the UIS campus they were all familiar with. It turned out to be a great way to kill time, as several played pool, and everyone relaxed and broke into different groups to talk. Brent was especially gregarious, partially because he grew up near Macomb and lived here for awhile. He easily regaled us with Tut stories, and it was really nice he was so natural talking about him.
Having a shot of Crown for Adam
We all met after that at Kiku where most of the party had hibachi at two big grills at our table. It was fun, relaxed, and easy, and I am so grateful to these guys to take the time to fellowship together. It seemed kind of a like a reunion for many of them, as they graduated college several years ago and have gone in separate directions. It's clear that there was a pretty strong bond among them, which again, made me feel happy for Adam. Sherry, the owner whom Adam had worked for, gave me a huge discount and hugs. I know she felt terrible about Adam's suicide.
Matt from Arizona, Michael (doppleganger), Brent (before the fire)
Ned Nickerson and Nick or Joe Jonas at Kiku
This morning on the way from the hotel to Michael's for a bit of shopping, I felt that sinking feeling after the high. I saw the Men's Wearhouse where Adam was fitted for his tux for Eli's wedding during the last month of his life. Reality set in. The only reason for yesterday's high, was Adam's low. He kept this life in Springfield separate from us, and it is gratifying to know his friends were such good people, and we heard some new Tut stories. However, as Betsy said, I would trade knowing all these friends of Adam to have him back. It was a long ride back to Macomb, but I'm feeling as well as I believe I can under the circumstances. Two amazing weekends surrounded by warm hearts and lots of love.
Tuesday, October 09, 2018
Another amazing Out of the Darkness Walk wrapped this past weekend. We raised over $14,000 so far, the highest total by far in three years. Over 200 Walkers (our mayor estimated closer to 400) signed in on a rainy but not cold day in October to remember loved ones lost to suicide, support each other and make a difference in our community. Adam's Uncle Kevin made it in from Omaha for his first Walk, and represented the Tuttles well! Everyone enjoyed visiting with Kevin.
To see an entire high school football team walk up to our event in uniform; it's sobering. One life changed so many. The impact of suicide is enormous on young people. I see it in my own sons, and I saw it on Saturday. The most prevalent comment I heard was how these young people brought out the emotions in everyone.
The torrential downpour just as we took off to walk could be seen as a negative. However, there was no lightning and it wasn't too cold. I choose to see the positive, the resilience, the metaphor for overcoming a tragedy and making the world a better place. We have to do things differently if we want to stem the increase in suicide.
Our team this year (many didn't make the pic):
Cal had so many friends and supporters come to hear him speak. Several spent the weekend with us and it was a joy to have the house full of so many amazing young adults. If I hear another complaint about "Millenials" I'm going to lose it! This generation is caring, thoughtful, bright and funny.
The support and love was felt strongly by me and I believe others that day and leading up to the Walk with donations pouring in from so many sources. The rain just made it more special.
I had two dreams about Adam this week. Not long ones, but he was clearly there.
I went on the radio yesterday morning to talk about the Walk, and almost was late because the battery in Adam's watch that I wear everyday died.
Monday evening I totally spaced out the Suicide Support Group. I had offered to pick up the pottery projects at the Park office that were fired and totally forgot that when I dropped off the banners for the Walk on my lunch that afternoon. So two fails on that.
I'm fretting and stewing about the weather Saturday which I totally can't control. Hoping for a good event in spite of the weather.
When I went to pick up my watch battery, the song Africa came on. That's my anthem for Adam.
In 12th grade English we had to memorize and recite a sonnet. I chose this one by Edmund Spenser which I have always remembered the first line of, and that's all. It comes back familiar as I read it through this morning.
Up at 4 a.m. organizing, tidying in preparation for the Big Week. The Out of the Darkness Walk is Saturday and Cal is hosting a cook-out at our house and having some friends in for the weekend from out of town. This has me in a frenzied mood to...write a sonnet??
One day I washed the kitchen floor,
But came the Pat and walked across it:
Again, I mopped around the kitchen door,
But came the ants and trailed their antish bit.
Vain woman, I said, that dost clean in vain
How can you expect this house to look a-swag!
For Cal's friends to be impressed is strain,
And wear you down to your last rag.
Get up (quoth I), there's cooking and cleaning to do
And there you sit typing rubbish on your computer screen:
Your thoughts are those of a Shakespearean shrew,
And matter less than how you preen;
Where, whenas, all the guests arrive in haste,
And judge you to be a Mama of good taste.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
I received this watercolor in the mail yesterday. Originally painted in 2016 shortly after Adam's death. These things have a way of coming around when they're needed. With the Out of the Darkness Walk coming up, and all that represents for me, it is nice to have a surprise like this to brighten my day.
Yesterday morning after meditation, I was journaling per usual. I just write down whatever comes into my mind, an encouragement to myself, a goal, a poorly drawn sketch or pastel. Yesterday my mind was saying "soft touch." I decided I had just invented a concept called soft touches. These are things we give or receive that are usually small but give us that little boost we all need, and when strung together, represent a meaningful life. Later in the day, this soft touch came in the mail.
This soft touch was not so small, but it is so very soft, don't you think? The artist is Chuck Melvin, my ex Bill's, (Adam's father), roommate in college. A really funny, nice guy and super talented, even though he says he is not a watercolorist.
Sometimes I just look at something and think "I put that there before Adam died," and I decide to leave it there forever. I found a bottle of strawberry milk mix in the refrigerator that was clearly there for Adam, and can't bear to throw it out. I was dusting the upstairs bathroom and thought, "This dust was probably here before Adam died." How weird is that?
I was discussing ashes last night with a friend who was widowed young. It was an easy conversation. She spread her husband's ashes after 7 years, as per his wishes. Adam, of course, left no instructions or time to discuss such things. It was probably the last thing on his mind.
So his ashes, his remains, stay on the fireplace mantel. Bits have made it to Nebraska and the labyrinth at Spring Lake, even back into my body. As I consider Pat's and my own death (I know, but we do these things in "middle age"), I think about a permanent marker somewhere, probably in Macomb. If we pick out a plot and headstone, I believe Adam will be included there, but I can't say I'm in a real hurry. As my friend said, "You'll do it when you're ready."
While looking for a mindfulness book at the library, I ran across an older book by Harold Kushner of "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" fame. As an author and rabbi he has a clear way of explaining the Bible. The book is themed around the story of Jacob. All I remembered from my early bible teachings of the old testament was the song "We are climbing Jacob's ladder" and no idea what that meant.
Jacob is kind of a devious dude, who tricked his father into giving him the patriarchal blessing his twin brother Esau was supposed to get. Jacob then flees from a furious Esau to Aram (Syria). He meets and falls in love with Rachel, but is tricked into marrying her older sister Leah (Karma). He then works even more to earn Rachel, giving him two wives. Jacob then wrestles with an angel and wins, but comes out limping.
I'm not sure why I started writing this blog a few weeks ago. I guess Kushner's idea that to be human is to struggle with our conscience and need to be good people, while at times giving into the easy way out, even cheating or acting willfully mean, spoke to me. Kushner determines that it is good enough to play a supporting role in life, we don't have to be the star, the saint, the one who leaves behind a great novel, painting, or legacy. He says, "no life is ever wasted. If a person has known love, has felt and given love, that person's life has made a difference."
I just thought I would share this picture of one of my loves, at the cool spot in Denver, Linger, housed in an old mortuary.
I never dreamed I would be able to tick off a bucket list item on this particular day. On our way down from St Mary's Glacier, there was a water fall off the path a bit. We detoured off and I suddenly thought, "oh I always wanted to do yoga in a waterfall. But while I envisioned being underneath the fall, I figured a nearby rock was as close as I may ever get so YOLO, why not? Betsy readily agreed to be my photographer.
Downward Dog
So tired, I had to rest in Child's Pose:
It was really an amazing trip. One highlight was walking around our old neighborhood and taking a picture in front of the apartment building we lived in when Adam was born:
Here is Eli's Quintet for the week at the Rafael Mendez Brass Institute:
They really smashed their piece on Saturday. I thought it was so fantastic. He got along with his group so well and made new friends for life. The University of Denver has a stunning concert hall and music building. Just gorgeous.
The image below came up on my Facebook memories today, and it took my breath away for a second.
This picture was taken on my parent's back porch deck on Cedar Drive. We had a cookout, Uncle Chris was there, Aunt Betsy, a nice reunion over a 4th of July weekend, seemingly. The caption I gave it was, "I took this boy back to Springfield today."
We cannot wrap ourselves in physical and emotional bubble wrap and expect to live an amazing life.
-SVD
I saw this meme today and while riding my bike got philosophical. Sometimes my mind is racing with things I want to do, and sometimes I am slogging through the mud. No, I'm not bipolar, but aren't we all on that continuum?
That person who stays in the plastic bubble will not experience the highs that life risks can bring. Believe me when I say I am not a huge risk taker, but I'm trying to do more things that terrify me. One example is public speaking, especially about suicide. I have always enjoyed calculated thrill seeking such as motorcycle rides, roller coasters, water slides, white water rafting, that kind of thing. I have taken many emotional risks with opening myself up to sharing about Adam's suicide. This has definitely brought me rewards in the form of friendships, bonds and more connections. I can't change the fact of Adam's suicide but opening up has brought unexpected joy.
Here's to more adventures and risks in life. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:
I dreamt Adam came back again. I just want to hold onto that feeling or go back in the dream, but I also have to write it down.
I was in his bathroom and found Dulcolax drops, and then he was there, and I asked him if he used them, and he said, "Just when I need them." I told him I have a new solution. It then began to dawn on me that he had been gone.
Then we were in the kitchen and this is what transpired:
Me: We need to talk about where you were.
Adam: I have an alternate Mom and Dad.
Me: Her name is Violet...(there had been previous talk of the name or color Violet).
I know it's not much, but it gave me hope his soul is still out there and I will see him again. Maybe there is an alternate reality where he is temporarily living. Maybe death is like a really long dream.
1999 drank my last alcohol, 3 beers on the back deck
2013 Got much of my house cleaned, obtained a decent book to read ("A Thousand Splendid Suns"), bills paid, shopping done, and looking forward to breakfast with a friend and a day with Adam in Springfield. This was from Facebook, but I remember that day clearly. Adam was inviting friends over for a cook-out, and we were going to the store to buy the food in Springfield. Suddenly a big storm came up and knocked down a bunch of tress and put the kibosh on the BBQ. Adam took me to the Chesapeake House instead. While we were in his living room that day, I got the call from my mom that Uncle Cal had died. We were all kind of relieved, I think.
2010 We got to our cruise boat around 11:30 checked in and then Betsy and I went for walk around the Public Market area of Seattle. It was very crowded and full of Seattle grunge/hippies selling their tie dye shirt and leather bracelets. We didn't see the fish throwing show. I'm not sure exactly where that was. We did stop in for a tea tasting which was very nice. Betsy made a $30 guilt buy so we will hopefully be drinking Lychee Black on the boat.We finally got out of port and the ride is very smooth. Very beautiful. I don't think we ever get out of land view. It is strange that the water is deep enough for the gigantic boat so close to shore. We explored the ship and got something to eat. I didn't get too distressed when a Haz Mat dude walked through the dining room in full garb including respirator. A few minutes later a whole team came back through carrying a red bag. Somebody probably threw up or spilled blood. I wonder why they had to carry it through the dining room. 2008 Boy13 played a tournament over the Memorial Day Weekend, so that was the focus of our time off. They ended up 2-2 and placing 7th out of 14. Friday evening was chilly, but the hot bats warmed things up with a win, on a walk-off Grand Slam. That's pretty exciting for these Pony League boys. Saturday they took two losses and the weather was long sleeves and long pants, for sure.
Sunday was 80's and bug-free. Perfect conditions, but the game ended early with a 10 run rule in our favor. A good way to end the weekend.
The gas prices were near $4.00 a gallon and we had several hours of travelling back and forth to the other town. With food prices the way they are (over $25+ for fast food for 4), I would say it's getting to be an issue. I think about it anyway, and made sandwiches for Saturday, and Sunday after the game we were hosted by one of the kid's family to eat their graduation leftovers. It was a good time for the grown-ups and the kids to extend the fun we had at the games.
2007 I was thinking about the country song "Moments" by Emerson Drive, a song I really like, as a theme for describing my Memorial Day trip to visit my sister and her family. Our drive to southern Indiana took about six and a half hours, that was making pretty good time. The boys had their Ipods, some magazines and Boy14 finished HP 5 and started #6. These are re-reads, but he is getting primed for the July debut of the Harry Potter book #7 and movie #5. Isn't this Daniel Radcliffe going to be having a mid-life crisis by the time the film series ends? I got really sleepy the last 1 1/2 hours. I had awoken at 4:30 a.m. and got up at 5:15 a.m. to get "a few things" done before we left town. I was starting to do that jerk-yourself-awake thing.
Memorial Day it was a kind of a tradition for many years to visit Betsy in Louisville. Good times, for sure. Today I am just hoping for some quiet peace to do nothing, or anything, maybe some conversation with Calvin before he goes back to Lincoln, watch Game 7 of the NBA Western Conference Finals. JK on that last one. Maybe a little, though.
By all accounts, this was an exemplary young man: honor student, athlete, musician, FFA, 4-H, brother, friend, son, grandson, sophomore. Yes, sophomore in high school. What possibly went so terribly wrong?
The vigil was completely organized by his friend and prom date, Brianna. With poise and courage she lovingly spoke of Cole and introduced all the other speakers she had organized. The gym and stage looked absolutely amazing, his framed football jersey, saxophone, FFA jacket, red flowers. Leah and I played our part in speaking about suicide awareness, and connected with the counselors and social workers who introduced themselves and are left wondering what to do. This was the second suicide this year in this tiny school. One social worker has set up a "Check and Connect" weekly over the summer. What a wonderful gift. A young man approached me and is organizing a suicide awareness event in September as his senior project.
I didn't have the guts to approach the grieving family, though I was feeling so much for the mom in particular. I gave my name and cell phone number to the counselor to share with her when it was appropriate. We left a bag of resources for the school including our support group and Out of the Darkness Walk information. My young colleague was inspired to get more involved in suicide prevention as a result of doing this.
I hope it was enough.
When will it end?
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
April seemed like such a long month, probably because winter reared its ugly head, making normal spring activities non-existent. May finally came and it's already 2/3's over. Wow.
This week, my supervisor asked if anyone was interested in speaking as a mental health professional at a Candlelight Vigil for a young man (high schooler) who had ended his life last week. This is the third young life lost to suicide in our local area that I am aware of since February. Despite my intense reservations about my public speaking skills, I feel called to do this. Who better? If I can touch one life, make one contact, reach out to a grieving family, I want to be there.
I said I would do it if someone else accompanied me. Guess what? Another caring co-worker offered to go. After figuring out some short and simple things to say, I am strangely looking forward to this.
I went to a Mental Health Story Slam a couple of weeks ago and was very inspired. In some ways, mental health is coming out of the closet and being talked about. In other ways, it feels like suicide is becoming all too common. AFSP has set a goal to reduce suicide by 20% by 2025. With deep breaths and all the courage I can muster, I will do my part, willingly and with gratitude.
I've been learning some things from a program called Drunk History. I know, all my sobriety years, and I find this amusing? So this chick tells the story of Ponce de Leon...I have kind of a fascination (but not enough to study actual history) with King Franz Ferdinand. This might make me sound really dumb, but Eli liked this band in high school named Franz Ferdinand and I LOVED their music and I had no idea who this guy was. Eli's probably the only kid whose parents loved the music he discovered.
So anyhoo, here's what I know about this Ferdinand dude (poorly remembered from a novel I read years ago, and watching drunk history last night) and how this relates to Ponce de Leon. You'll eventually see where I'm going with this. It's all an elaborate ploy to post some pictures.
This guy King Ferdinand of Spain somehow got assassinated by some important people, and it triggered World War I. But before that, he sent out...
OMG, I just realized this King was on the throne in the 1500's which does not at all relate up to WWI. And I'm not even drunk.
Back to the story. The King sent out Christopher Columbus to discover the new world, and then Ponce came along and wanted go out and take over Puerto Rico. He was a cool guy and he got along with the indigenous people great. But this other guy, can't remember his name, got mad and wanted Puerto Rico and he was a real douche. He booted Ponce out, and Ponce then went to to "discover" La Florida. What I'm guessing is he might be the one who founded (?) St. Augustine, as the earliest settlement in the US of A.
Here's Eli and Hannah strolling the quaint streets of St. Augie in August of 2017
Here's Eli and Me in front of a canon in St. Augustine in the park.
Can anyone read the plaque? We sure didn't...
Pretty sure it doesn't say anything about Ponce de Leon.
And that concludes my ignorant history lesson of the day. The End.
PS. No Google Search was used in the making of this informative piece.
I've found watching Adam's old mates (by mates I mean class mates, high school and college) turn 30 a specially poignant process. Social media makes this a public event for those who choose to share this way. It's a milestone year, and it's nice to see the growth and maturity in their faces, activities and words.
Nice, but cutting, too. June 11 Adam would have been 30. Maybe finding himself and putting the puzzle pieces of who he was into place. Instead, he exited two plus years short of making this milestone.
At some point, I wrote down an Etsy shop on a scrap of paper, so before I could throw it out, I checked it out. I found this sweet little art that sums up my feelings, if not my reality. I wasn't able to copy the original, but drew this in my sketchbook. Close as I could get.
Mother's Day 2018
The day got immeasurably better when Cal surprised me by coming home Saturday night!
Tuesday, May 08, 2018
A few things have combined and got me with a case of the sads. I'm working hard on the 2018 Out of the Darkness Walk. Somehow I take the success or failure personally, so I have to really work on not attaching to the outcome. We had support group this week. Today a patient mentioned "you had three kids..." I don't even know how he knew that and if he knew one is gone. It's our anniversary and it felt really obvious that I got messages from two children and not three. One of those days where you really notice you are the mother two living sons instead of three. Sometimes it feels like one of my limbs was cut off.
And Betsy and I are planning a July trip to Denver, where Adam was born. Little things like a song or Dancing with the Stars are making me cry.
Random pictures. There will be no more pictures...
