Tuesday, January 30, 2018


Adam was right there in my dreams when I woke up this morning. He was living at home and for some reason had brought home a white bulldog looking thing with a pattern on it's fur like colored confetti. It was walking down the front steps and I was afraid to touch it. He also had a bull on the porch and had built a little pen in the front yard for it. Pat goes, "You should really have that in the back yard." Then Adam said, "Don't look under the front porch, we put something there, too, it's not snakes."
That's about it folks. It was good to see him but left me feeling more bereft this time. Either today or tomorrow is the actual day Adam probably died two years ago. We don't know for sure.

Monday, January 29, 2018

January almost February

It feels like Adam's suicide is becoming a fact of my life- not a foreign, unknown, surreal event. I hate that it is. As the two year mark approaches ever so slowly...who invented January anyway? my mood is decidedly crabby, the tears are closer to the surface, and everything seems to be a reminder from the waiting room at work, to Grace driving Adam's old car, to any song that was played in 2016.

OMG- Mozart's Moonlight Sonata is so where I'm at.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Day of Giving

I spent a very busy afternoon at the food pantry. Did not expect to see so many people I know. That cheered me up. Some remember me, some do not. I always let them speak first, so as not to embarrass anyone. The flow was just insane today, with three of us working until everyone was served, past the closing time. The other two left more or less on time, leaving me to clean the tables and vacuum. I had to hunt down a new vacuum bag, and make do with paper towels and water for cleaner. It was good.

This evening I will pick up my little sister. She wants to know what we're eating and doing. She wants "choices." I said "Cheesy breadsticks or tacos, baking whole wheat bread, and a spa night." To which she replied, "What can we have with breadsticks?" I figured we could do nails and facials after dinner while the bread is rising and baking. I'm in the mood for a new nail polish color; everything else I have, so I will stop at Walgreens on the way there.

Pat was on his way to visit my folks (that's a folksy term, isn't it?) when I came home between events. That is nice for both of them. I know they really appreciate visitors, expected or unexpected.

I think I will take a long shower before bed tonight. I'm quite grungy from the day already. I deserve it!

Monday, January 15, 2018

My e-mailbox was full again at work. Cleaning it out, I found some messages from 2/2/16 when my world changed immeasurably. I can feel the heavy weight of winter and loss as the anniversary approaches. My thoughts are turning more and more to that day and what led up to it for Adam and myself. It is painful but necessary work.

I was very busy over the holidays, a distraction really. Now, I get ready for another day of work and hope to God there is never another day like 2-2-16. Two weeks from Friday will be two years. Some say the second year is harder, but I wouldn't say that. There is more a sense Adam being left behind, but also happy moments when acceptance and peace fill my heart.

I keep certain things the way they were that day, like those messages in my saved file. His chapstick, Aveeno lotion, a book on my dresser. One day they will change and be gone, but never, never will my best boy be far from my thoughts. One day I will be where he is, we all will. Life is given and taken in its own time.

Monday, January 01, 2018


I thought I was going to write my reflections of 2017...but that was so LAST YEAR.

Up at 4 a.m., I am struck with my New Year burst of energy: energy to organize my spaces, clean my cabinets, write things down, and start new self help books and practices. Yes, I think I always start a new year with the hope of change, renewal, and growth. That's what all this cleaning, writing and reading is about.

My latest read is called 10% Happier by Dan Harris, a journalist who struggled with anxiety and drug abuse and his journey to enlightenment. Now I want to go on a 10 day silent meditation retreat or at least add it to my bucket list.

More practically speaking, I have a few resolutions for 2018.

  • Be there more for my clients
  • Live in the moment
  • Let go when it's time
  • Pause
  • Be a Warrior Woman and meet my challenges with grace