Friday, April 06, 2018

I thought about Adam a lot today. I thought I needed to cry but didn't. I watched his whole memorial video without crying which was a first. I looked through an old yearbook from 2006 and saw a class picture taken behind the WIU Union. I don't remember ever seeing it before, but there he was in the top row on the far right next to some kids who looked kinda fringe. When I saw something about Probiotics in a magazine I tried to remember the conversation with Adam telling me I should take them; they helped his stomach. But honestly those last holiday photos he was so thin and gaunt, nothing was obviously working...I wish to god I had noticed and intervened in some way. Here come those tears. 

Thanksgiving 2015
Pat, Bella, Adam 

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Dream Weaver

I asked for a dream about Adam last night, and I got it, early this morning. After a couple of hours of middle insomnia I fell back asleep and dreamed we were at Grandma Nell's. I was trying to discipline Adam for something and he was being defiant strong willed. So instead we went upstairs and played Pogs. It's funny, even the floor was the same as Grandma Nell's upstairs, that common gray linoleum tile. As we were setting up this elaborate game scenario on the floor, I saw ants crawling around, so we went downstairs to fix some ant bait (Borax, sugar and water). We were then deciding what to get for dinner as there were lots of little cousins around, and Adam suggested making our own hot dogs instead of getting Happy Meals, and then everyone could get an electronic that they wanted (instead of the cheap toy in the meal).

Strong Willed Age 12

The Suicide Support Group met last night. There's a core group of us who all experienced our loss around 2 years ago, one couple 18 years out, and there was a newbie. I can actually say I felt good leaving that meeting last night for the first time. The veteran mom of the group never fails to say this one line, there will come a time it won't be the last thing you think before you go to sleep or the first thing you think of in the morning. This used to make me feel kind of angry because I didn't want that to be true, because that would mean I cared less. Again, for the first time last night, it didn't bother me so much as I realized it was true, and my assigned meaning, wasn't true. Does that make sense?

Defiant Age 14