Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Fried, not baked



Got a little fried at Pea Island, NC, but what a pretty, secluded beach we had practically to ourselves. I had lots of fun in the waves and surf, until some annoying lady kept yelling, "Jellyfish!" I didn't want to know that. I persevered and got my fill of salt water. It was a spectacular day.

I like scallops and long walks on the beach.

We got this great selfie at a little farm stand called "Morris'" where I had a corn dog and fries. Yum!

Image may contain: 3 people, including Patrick Denecke and Ellen Denecke Smoot, people smiling, sunglasses, hat, sky, outdoor and closeup


By the way, here is how Eli spent part of his summer:


How's that cool musician in France?

Sunday, July 07, 2019

Baked, not fried

It's awfully difficult to not be disappointed when there is a lot of hype around something new. Such was the case with Galesburg's new-ish restaurant, Baked. Occupying the old Chez Willy fine dining bistro on Seminary Street, I thought surely this was going  to be the culinary epitome of chic pizza. After all, Siri told us it was Galesburg's best restaurant.

I forgot to tell Pat this was "just a pizza joint," as he put it. I had hoped there was a little more to the menu than pizza, but alas there was not. That, and our irritably peckish mood, did not set a good stage. We entered the screen door (yes 91 degrees, and they had an old fashioned screen door) and were directed to the menu on the wall in chalk. Did I mention I hate reading a wall menu when I'm starving and now sticky hot? Either the A/C was broke, or they don't have air conditioning, and you order and pay at the front counter. Not exactly chic. We were handed cold water glasses and a recycled wine bottle of tap water, barely cool, to carry to our table. The good news: two 10 inch pizzas came to just under $20.

We entered the warm and humid dining room to the left to look for a table and the front was packed and blaring loud music, so I chose a table near the back, one of two tables for six. The other table for six furthest back had dirty dishes on it the entire time we were there. A couple of ceiling fans blowing warm air around toward the front, taupe walls with anchors and holes everywhere, water damage on the ceiling, and a paint by number (?) picture of a pizza box composed the decor. A musty curtain was open behind us and some certainly leaded peeling paint doors were used to hide pizza boxes and some other unsightly clutter. The tables and chairs were mismatched and included metal folding chairs, which could be considered Kitsch but had more the effect of Krap. I couldn't shake the idea this couldn't possibly have been Chez Willy's.

To be fair, there were 3 sandwiches on the menu: ham, Italian and turkey (I think). We saw some some other customers with a large salad bowl, but I didn't have time to read the whole menu before Pat blew a gasket. I ordered the Goat Cheese and Herbs Pizza and Pat had a make your own sausage and mushroom.

If Pat complains about the cleanliness of a bathroom, you know it's the pits. As we waited for our pizza to arrive, stripped off our top layers, and drank our warm water, a family of six entered and forced themselves into a table for four and gave us the stink eye. It was hard to make conversation when the table next to us was hard of hearing and their speech accordingly loud.

The pizzas arrived in reasonable time, and we dove in hungrily. For me, the crust was tough and unremarkable. If my crust is thin, I like it crispy, not chewy. I know this is nit-picking but I only saw 1 herb, Basil, not herbs plural. Pat was okay with his pizza, but I tasted the sausage and it's the one kind I don't like. It also contained green olives which I'm pretty sure he didn't order. Either way, he didn't care, he was so hungry.

I had a great ending sentence for this while I was riding my bike this morning, but it's gone. I am left with two choices to end on...be warned, Baked, the restaurant refers not to yummy pizza and elegant dining, but rather to the feeling you get waiting for your pizza or when Siri tells you Wendy's is the number 3 restaurant in town, don't expect much from #1. 


Monday, July 01, 2019

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It looks like the long, hot summer is here. However, it never seems long enough after the long winters we've been having. I was just thinking back to last July when Betsy and I traveled to Denver to watch Eli perform at a music festival. That was pretty amazing. We had fun things planned everyday including concerts, hikes, drives, ice cream, shopping, and visiting our old haunts. Not to mention running into Betsy's favorite professor. We were like those little girls in "The World of Henry Orient." 

In 2017 we toured Malta as a guest of the US Ambassador (aka Betsy's college friend). Who gets to do that?? The Mediterranean was as beautiful as any water I've ever laid eyes on. No beaches, just rock diving and sunning- not that I did that....

Time goes faster everyday, it seems. I wish I could find a way to slow it down. 

Saturday, June 29, 2019

💔

I've had a heavy heart for a few days now. Anything from a Clima cool shoe to seeing a few of his old friends to staring at a bottle of Aveeno lotion in Walgreens to yet another trip to Springfield, this time for the AFSP, an organization I wouldn't even be aware of three and a half years ago. I want him here. Why can't he be here? Too many family events missing his wry ironic self.

I listened to Cal's music video tributes and hope that the things we do will help one person. Everyone has value even when they can't see or feel it. Redemption is possible. From One human to another, hang in there. This too shall pass. Keep trying. ☮ out.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Father's Day

I've been warding off feelings, that sinking, sick feeling of remembering and facing how long it's been since we've seen Adam. I don't know if this day is why, this month of his birthday, the family reunions without him here again. The things that have happened since his death, even advances in technology he would have jumped on. It seems like everyone has moved on when they say unintentionally heartless things. I think it's time to let myself feel and have a good cry. There are worse things.

Saturday, May 25, 2019

Graduation

A week ago when I attended Marissa's graduation, I wasn't expecting the emotions to be so strong. Of course, she graduated from the same school, and in the same venue as Adam did 13 years ago. I remember Adam's graduation strongly (not Eli's and Cal's so much)- where we sat, the Val and Sal speeches, Justin dancing across the stage, finding Adam in the throng afterwards to get pictures, having the Tuttle and Vick grandparents there, Adam attending the after grad river boat cruise and excitedly telling us about the hypnotist who made his friend believe a one dollar bill was a hundred dollar bill the entire night.

So, as I sat by myself I was both in the moment, and back in the moment of watching my first graduate high school. It was okay, it really was. I did tear up, well flagrantly cry, when the choir sang the Battle Hymn of the Republic, which I did in 2006, 2011 and 2012 as well.

Friday, May 03, 2019

MIL

I have been lucky, not once, but twice in the Mother-in-law department. My first mother-in-law was Colleen (pronounced Coal-een, the Midwestern way). I was engaged then married to her oldest of four boys. I don't remember not feeling welcome and loved by Colleen, so it must have been at first sight. She may have made everyone feel this way, but I thought at the time I was special. And she certainly reinforced this over the years.

When the divorce happened, she never let that get in the way our relationship, or her relationship with her first grandson, Adam. In fact, she went out of her way to keep us all connected. We spent several weekends with the Tuttles after I built another family. Everyone was included in the Husker celebrations, and the door always open for travelers and guests whatever the occasion.

My memories of Colleen are that of a cyclone whipping through life, from early morning till late at night. Even her favored wine didn't really slow her down. She could accomplish more in a day than I could in a week or even a month. Cooking, cleaning up, shopping, driving, visiting; the schedule Colleen kept was dizzying. I found this lifestyle, along with not being afraid to drop a dollar or fifty, intoxicating. I grew up slow, frugal, rather lazy, so this Tuttle style was new to me. *one odd little foible I picked up from her was wiping down the counters with a dishtowel, and throwing it haphazardly in the wash. My own mother was very particular about only wiping one's hands on the dishtowel, and making them last for weeks without washing. Her use of a dishtowel seemed downright reckless.

Colleen pursued her passions viciously. Going back to college, being a foster parent, starting a business (Trypps), starting another business (tanning spa), helping Gary with his business, selling balls that replaced dryer sheets, Hy-vee tester, and finally the Red Cross. I'm sure I missed a dozen other ventures in there. Every new undertaking was the "best" "most incredible, important" work. It was hard not to believe in it, too.

Colleen took me on girly outings she couldn't do with her boys. I felt like she was showing me off, in fact, to her friends and everyone in the town of Norfolk. After the divorce, she continued to send gifts and remember my birthday. I have so many memories of Colleen, but most of all the way she made feel like the most special girl in her life.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Mind Blown

I went back to sleep this morning at 6:00 and woke from the most incredible dream. I had walked up to the house and got some mail out of the mailbox. Some of it had been stuffed in another compartment from Calvin- like it was a special delivery. Apparently, there was a combination lock on part of the mailbox, and I walked into the house trying to think of the 4 numbers, even though I already had the mail.

There, lying on the dining room floor, was Adam, with his long, dark hair splayed out. There was a moment of confusion while I dared hope it was him. It was. I got him up, and I started crying. He said he'd been all over the country for the past three years and he wanted to show me a video. I was afraid to be angry with him, so I just said, "You know we thought you were dead. You could have called once or twice to say you were alive." He pretty much ignored that like he had a good reason.

He showed a bit of video of his trip which was narrated by someone named "Tony." Then Betsy was suddenly there. Adam said he met Tony at the Superbowl. I said, "This year?" He's like yeah. It then came to light that Betsy knew he was alive and couldn't tell me. This guy Tony was someone Betsy knew from work in California, and she kind of sent him there to look out for Adam. The enormity of this was dawning on me, and I wanted to have words with her but not here.

Suddenly dozens of Deneckes were there. It must have been Denecke-palooza. No one questioned Adam about where he had been. I was kind of giving Betsy the evil-eye or something because she said, "Well, if I disappeared, you wouldn't be someone I would confide in." Thanks.

Someone handed Adam a book with family pictures in it. Someone said Tom had made it for Jan. Caitie was there, and I thought she was going to confront Adam, but she didn't. He just sat at the table and looked through the book.



Sunday, April 21, 2019

Easter-ish

Many Christians and just Anglos are getting up today and doing Easter traditions. Butter lambs, special creamy ooey gooey rolls, baskets, eggs. Why does everything I think of revolve around food? There's also church, of course, for the devout and the Chreasters. I just learned this new word (or old word). Me, I'm going to take a bike ride and give my feet a rest this morning.


This was  not a biggie growing up or with my own kids. Ever since we moved to the Mac town, Pat had his "Golf Ball Hunt" where specially marked found golf balls translated to $$. He may have even done it in New York, who can remember that far back?? I would get the kids some candy, but never, ever presents or even elaborate Easter baskets.

Yes, we will have a nice dinner with family. 3 years ago Ethan serenaded us with his song from "Grease" and it feels so bittersweet, as we were fresh off the loss of Adam.




Here's something to make your day. Adam around May 1989.


Here is the watercolor likeness my friend Chuck Melvin did. The expression is a little different, but definitely captured him.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

A Cat's Tale

(By guest author and friend, Alyson S.)

The Characters:

Fiona
An outdoor farm cat.  Fearless slayer of birds, rabbits, and anything else that dares to encroach on her turf.  Mostly lives outside, comes inside when it's REALLY COLD and when she deigns to allow us to feed her.  I started buying meow mix at sam's club awhile ago and she LOVES IT.  

Sonic
An aging border collie that is a ball of love.  He is total goodness and has determined that his retirement job is to take care of me by following me around.  This role in this story is mostly bystander, but let it be known that HE ALSO loves meow mix.  Sonic and Fiona run a scam on me REGULARLY when there is meow mix in the house.  Fiona meows to come in the door.  I let her in.  She goes to her bowl, meows, I scoop in some food.  Fiona eats ONE BITE and decides to go back outside.  Sonic gets up and eats the rest of the cat food.  10 minutes later...Fiona meows at the door to come in and wants to be fed again.  I now put her bowl on top of the freezer (who is the next character in this tale.)

The Chest Freezer
In the kitchen is a small chest freezer.  I have broken all kitchen rules of a child of my mother (Maggie) and feed the cat on occasion on top of the freezer.  It's the easiest solution and needs must when the devil drives.  The freezer is pulled out from the wall slightly because there is a HEAT REGISTER behind it.  There is also a glue trap for mice from last fall when war against the migrating herds of mice was at it's height.  NB (this means nota bene in latin, or note well.  Just making sure I don't lose anyone due to an obscure reference)...the HEAT REGISTER does not have a cover.

Mark
Mark the tired painter/farmer goes to bed at 7:30ish on a regular basis.  He paints and then comes home and plants these days.  Just for visual purposes...he was asleep with red plaid boxers and a t-shirt.  He is not at his best when he is awakened and has no idea what is going on

Alyson
The Domino's Pizza person who came home and...surprise...got on the phone with the supervisor, Heather, and was outside on the porch around 10pm with her AirPods in.

Alyson had been to Quincy for the first time in like 2 months so she stopped at Sam's Club on Wednesday night.  Brought home MEOW MIX.  We had been out for a couple of weeks and the animals had been suffering through Purina cat chow from the feed store...I think they may have lost weight in protest.

Mark carried the bag in and set it on the floor against the chest freezer in the kitchen.  I usually take the cat food and put it in this plastic pet food container we have but I hadn't done it yet.  Fiona came in the house, smelled the bag, and began caressing the exterior of the bag.  I was not particularly worried as no one is starving to death but Mark decided that he would open the bag and give Fiona a handful to make her (and Sonic, because he was lurking) happy.  Everyone had a taste and life was good.  The bag was picked up off the floor and put on top of the chest freezer awaiting the pet food container.

Fast forward to Thursday night.  Alyson comes home.  It's dark.  Mark is in bed sleeping.  He gets up for a minute, we talk, I say I'm going to do some cleaning/cooking.  Mark goes back to to sleep, Alyson goes in the kitchen.  The phone rings, it's Heather, so I go outside on the porch so I don't talk loudly (like that ever happens) and wake Mark up.

It's maybe 10 pm.

The porch door slams open...Mark took the closer off when we were carrying stuff in and out and we haven't put it back on so it really rips...and Mark is yelling about WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Alyson has her AirPods in and is looking at him likes he's crazy and saying what?

Mark runs back in the house and Alyson is still going WTH is going on and talking to Heather.
Alyson continues talking to Heather for a minute and says "maybe I should go inside and see what's going on."  She opens the door and Mark is running around the living room and then up the stairs and Fiona is WAILING.  Lots of scuffling and swearing is heard from upstairs.  

Alyson asks "hey, what's going on?"  In her mind all she can think is maybe she woke Mark up from a bad dream?  Maybe?

Mark comes back downstairs.  "Did you not hear what was going on?"

"Umm, no.  I had my earphones in and I was talking to Heather."

It wasn't the best answer.

Fiona had jumped up on top of the chest freezer and CLIMBED INSIDE THE BAG to help herself to some meow mix.  Somehow she managed to TIP THE ENTIRE 25 lb bag over in to the heat register with herself inside of it.  After evidently what was a very loud tussle she managed to climb her way out of the heat register with 15 pounds of meow mix on top of her and escape in to the glue trap.

And then proceeded to perform acrobatics all over the downstairs trying to escape from the sticky embrace.  

Mark awoke at some point and started chasing Fiona around the house.

After cornering her upstairs and having a clawful encounter being her savior (he has battle wounds on his chest) he got the glue trap off.  

I asked what happened.  

I'm not always that smart.

I thought it was the funniest thing in a LONG TIME...in a Jerry Springer sort of fashion...you can't make this stuff up.

Mark didn't think it was quite as funny that I was oblivious and on the phone.

The worst part...Its getting cold again with this storm thing going on and THE WHOLE HOUSE SMELLED LIKE BAKED MEOW MIX.

Friday, April 12, 2019

So weird

I got a piece of mail for Adam today, from Film Streams in Omaha, an advertisement, but still. I never got mail for him before he died (or I don't remember because it wasn't significant then), so I find these little pop-up surprises quite delightful.

I'm reading a newer book on grief called "It's Okay That You're Not Okay" by Megan Devine which turns traditional grief models and theories upside down. Maybe that is why Adam has been more or less on my mind all the time lately. One thing that struck me was the observation that everything becomes a trigger, or reminder because you can always think "he's not here for this holiday" "he'll never see this" "he wasn't alive when this even existed" and on and on.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong. I consider myself rather well-adjusted in fact. This quote fits perfectly here.


After attending AFSP volunteer training last weekend and realizing the suicide rate is going up not down, I am even more committed to fighting this battle in whatever way I can. It is a large war, and the answers aren't easy. They are bigger, bigger than me or my community. The most hopeful thing I heard again last weekend is, Suicide is Preventable. On a personal 1:1 basis I can make a difference, and I can keep raising funds for research and advocacy on the macro level.

I met some amazing women at my table at the training. I got all their emails and am going to connect with them again. Suicide is hitting our young people hard, and I feel so much for them.

Wednesday, April 03, 2019

Comment



"You have suffered enough and warred with yourself; it's time that you won" -line from Falling Slowly "That line kind of hits me deep. All my life I've felt I've suffered with loneliness, mild depression and just generally feeling like I'm not nor ever have been good enough. Maybe one day, I'll "win".

This is not my quote, but certainly could be. Been listening to sad songs on YouTube and reading different comments. Music brings out so many emotions. I won't stay here too long. I don't have time for that.

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Grandparents are so important


The first of Adam's grandparents has passed onto another life. I'm glad I had written this letter to them last fall. Rest in peace, Grandma Colleen, Adam's biggest cheerleader. 

November 25, 2018
Dear Gary, Colleen, Richard and M. Anne,
As we move through this third holiday season without Adam, I wanted to take a moment to let you know how thankful I am that he had the four amazing grandparents that he did. Unlike the grandparents in Willy Wonka, you were all physically active in Adam’s life, but he loved you like Charlie loved his Grands! You provided comfort foods, cards, exciting travels, stories, letters, sleepovers, stimulating and open conversations, lessons in boating and linguistics, Strawberries, books, and many, many car miles.  Most of all, you doted on him and loved him like the first grandchild he was. This represents mutual Love.
The first grandchild is special, and I patiently wait my turn with your good role models in mind. I can only Hope I get to spend the quality time you did with Adam growing up. From his first weeks, until that last year, he was always up for a visit to Riverside Lakes or Cedar Drive. His last birthday was spent toasting cocktail hour with Richard while M. Anne made his birthday dinner. In October 2015 he made a special trip to Nebraska to make more memories and probably eat Elgin sausage and Italian Beef. Through the divorce, Adam always knew he had a home with either of you and it was clearly a stabilizing force for him.  This was his happy place and where he felt unbridled Joy.
I appreciate all your efforts to keep Adam’s memory alive, and share the good times and stories of his life. We are blessed to have had him 27 years. As you know I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I know we are all going where he is sooner or later. Whoever gets there first, give that boy a big hug or a mind meld, or whatever you can for me. You may notice, I have woven the four virtues of Jesus into Adam’s life. I pray we all find Peace this Advent season and always, and that Adam is at rest, peaceful and free.

Humbly yours,
Susan
Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.
—Kafka and the Doll, The Pervasiveness of Loss


Friday, March 15, 2019

NH memories

It's been well over 10 years since I stepped foot on this soil. Too long. The drive into Nashua from the airport immediately reminded me of when we visited Chris when Adam was one. And other times he was here either with us or with my parents.
Then a message from my former brother-in-law. Adam's other grandma is in ICU in Nebraska. I reflexively imagined her dying and meeting Adam and all the love that would be. It was comforting, not to wish that on her in any way.

Saturday, March 09, 2019

Taking Time

I am taking some time this rainy, dreary morning to get some things done. In Adam's memory (at least in my mind) I am delivering some care packages to friends (one laid off, one lost her father). I am wearing an old hoodie of Adam's and ran across some reminders of him this morning as I was trying to finish KonMari-ing some of my closet collection (jewelry, knick knacks that have been put away for a long time, but can't be parted with, the boys hand built clay pots, Pat''s dog tags, Ethan's snow globe, that kind of thing). As you recall, I KonMari-ed my clothes a couple of weeks ago. I paired down to having no boxes in storage or need to switch out my collection for seasons. I'm so over that whole thing. I realized what a poor condition my closet is in, wallpaper falling off the walls, nails with carpet snags sticking out of the floor, clothes bar way too high to be comfortable for me. But that is a project way down on the list. We must have a new roof this spring, and I have been diligently saving for a year now, so we can pay cash.

This turned kind of stream of consciousness. Forgive me, I may have had too much coffee.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Sunday musings



Have you noticed how wonderful a drink of cool water, a ray of sunshine, a soft pillow can be? Two little twin boys running amok at the pool, uninhibited, totally in the moment are a joy to see and hear. Their mom chats away on her phone about parenting, and a relationship going awry, "that's not love." I'm totally eavesdropping with my bionic ears. It sounds like she's a terrible mom talking away for 1-2 hours straight, while her children run perilously close to the pool's edge, but she's not.

We are dialed down and mentally and physically preparing for an early departure tomorrow. Florida, you were perfect with your warm sunshine and fluffy clouds. The kids are more than all right. They are thriving in their environment, and we couldn't be happier for them. Perhaps the south is in our future.




Saturday, February 23, 2019

Saturday

Pat says I am a triple threat. Blog, Facebook, and Instgram. I'm trying to post a little differently in each platform.

Hannah presented a paper on Persichetti and it was amazing. We are obviously not Musicologists and we may be a little biased but that girl holds her own and exceeds the noted faculty...she got the most questions and interest of the three papers we saw presented this morning. Kudos, proud MIL moment!




We caught some clouds today at Jacksonville beach. Lower 70's felt chilly.



Bye bye beach


Tonight we waited 60 minutes for a table at The Top, a very popular downtown Gainesville restaurant. Very nice bacon cauliflower soup, and the very best Key Lime Pie I ever tasted.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Art at UF

I suggested we visit the Harn Museum of Art today, and it was agreed. 




A couple a cool pieces and a lifelike statue I saw there. 


Here I am in what was suggested I ride in... I protested but the docent insisted...the struggle is real.




Eli making some tea and French Press coffee this morning. After a morning rehearsal, we will have all day together and the Gainesville Orchestra tonight...love me some Gershwin.

Whew I am up to date with my loyal followers. Go Gators!

Time Away (much needed)


On the road Wednesday at 4:45, near freezing rain, and still raining as we drove south and the temps rose the further south we got. 65 degrees at Montgomery AL. Serviceable and be bug fre Super 8:


Love this sixties furniture 



Some foliage in Tallahassee. Loving the unique fauna and high 80's temps!




Waiting for Hannah and Eli outside Pascal's, near UF campus. One of their favorite places. 




Wednesday, February 20, 2019

My Boys


This is Cal's second rap in memory of Adam. If he only knew, that's the sad part. Watching these videos is difficult yet reassuring. We were a normal family. As normal as we were, that is.


Saturday, February 02, 2019

2.2.19

The lead up is always the worst, so 'they' say. Those who have experienced a significant loss. This week was a mish mash of emotions and feeling out of sorts. Today, was not so bad. Tip toeing around the topic. Heard from both my boys, sister, mom, various people through Facebook, and Adam's grandma Colleen. It's a hard thing to talk about, but we all feel it.

Three years ago, who knew we would spend the next three years wondering what went so very wrong in Adam's short 27 year life? Why didn't he reach out and ask for help? How could we not have known how serious his moods and situation were?


And so some days are like this. They are fewer and not as intense. 



When I saw this, I thought of Adam. When I see a certain bright star,
I think of Adam. 





Shoeless Joe

Over Christmas break, Eli picked up a very old copy (one of the yellow paged  paperbacks, but surprisingly not dog-earred) from who-knows-where of "Shoeless Joe" and left it here, partially read. It was published in 1982, and I suspect this copy is from that era. I ran out of books a week or so ago and started reading it. There was an old folded one dollar bill between the pages being used as a bookmark. So Eli.  The movie "Field of Dreams" is based on the book, and believe it or not, I have never seen it.

It's kind of boring, but it also has a nice feeling of following your dreams...totally unrealistic, but nice to think about. I don't know if this happens in the movie, but Ray in the book drives from Iowa to New Hampshire to take J.D. Salinger to a Red Sox game. They are eating together in a Greek restaurant outside Fenway and the following exchange occurs (Salinger has been a recluse for many years):

Ray: What...what do you do up there on your hill?

Jerry (Jerome David): I live. I write. I watch old movies. I read. I watch the sunset. I watch the moon rise.

Ray: That's all?

Jerry: That's all? Isn't it enough?

I really fancied this little tete a tete. That's pretty much what I do (except for the sun and moon things, though I occasionally catch one of these), and if it's good enough for Salinger, it should be good enough for me.


Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Memories Popping Up Lately

So recently I have been in contact with some of Adam's old friends, from Macomb and Springfield. I wanted to share a few things, or just preserve them here in this space that has served me well through this journey:

Also, know that adam loved every one of you guys. He spoke nothing but highly of you guys, especially you. He was distant, but know you meant so much to him. I didn't really dive into the distance because I didn't want to upset him, but he did love you as much as you'd imagine.

I don’t think anyone really took many posed pictures back then. Most were candid. Him laying on the couch was a snow day. I remember that specifically because Lauren Hensley was there too, and we just had a conversation about it a few weeks ago!


I called this one "Dude" from 2008 (pretty sure)


Yeah, Adam would take on about anybody



He was there for every big event of our teenage years and early 20s. No memory from growing up is complete without a Tut moment.


Kylie Jo

There will only be one Tut...


Sunday, January 13, 2019

Bleak Mid-Winter

Seemingly benign things- a Kawhi Leonard article in SI, kingtut19888 login popping up when I restart my/his computer,  a pocket sized 2106 calendar, a commercial I know he will never see- these things start my heart to aching, but I don't stay there too long. I can't. Maybe I should?

We are coming up on three years on February 2. Goddamn suicide.

Some rays of light poke through. Receiving a grant to run a children's grief camp again, planning a trip to Florida, losing myself in another good book.