Tuesday, November 06, 2018

November 2012

He always took his shoes and socks off first. We could always find rolled up socks on the living room floor when Adam visited. He was always the last to bed and usually the last to get up.

2012 sounds like a long time ago, but it doesn't feel that long ago. This picture came up on my Facebook memories today from 6 years ago:

When I look through that folder of pictures it looks like the day my mom went over to Springfield with me and we had lunch at the Chesapeake with Adam. We took some blustery pictures at Scheel's messing around on the statues. It's a blustery day today, also gloomy.

Mr. Lincoln, I presume

Here is mom at lunch looking delighted! 

Time goes so fast, people. So fast. Do not take one day or hour or minute for granted. 

Sunday, November 04, 2018

Darker Days Ahead

As the hubbub of October events draw to an end, and the time changes backwards, I have been feeling the familiar constriction in my whole being as winter approaches and the sun hangs lower. The holidays used to be a bright spot, but now they are a reminder of the one who is not here.

Don't get me wrong, I have moments of contentment and even joy, many of them. Acceptance of Adam's death grows stronger. There are days I believe all lives are short, even those who live to 100, and we will all be together somewhere sooner than later. I'm reminded that the pleasure of growing old or older is compromised by seeing more and more death. A 55 year old woman died this week in our little town, the mayor's wife, who was seemingly full of beauty and light. We will all deal with death in time, so that is comforting and makes me more human. I'm nothing special.

So it is time to hunker down and focus on projects that can be done indoors, and keeping as physically active as I can (thank you fitbit). And before I blink my eyes, spring will be here again, and the cycle continues.

Sunset on the labyrinth

Saturday, October 27, 2018


i feel so refined listening to live trumpet concertos and sipping espresso in my Florida hideaway.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Another Walk in memory of Adam

I could have not have asked for two better events: Out of the Darkness Macomb/McDonough County last week, and Springfield yesterday. The weather was cool and cloudy but clear. Driving into Springfield the 3 smokestacks are always the familiar beacon and I heard the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran. I was the first to arrive, always nervous who will attend the Springfield Walk and how we will find each other as the crowd is usually in the thousands, or seems like it anyway. Cal was first to arrive followed by Betsy. I knew Matt W was coming from Arizona for the first time, and I wasn't sure I would recognize him. Ashleigh and Tim rolled up next with two more friends from Edwardsville, Michael Nickerson (known to Betsy as Ned Nickerson, Nancy Drew's boyfriend- how she remembers this I don't know) and Nick Ludwig (dead ringer for Nick Jonas).

Nickerson is in a full foot and calf cast and can't walk much. Ashleigh phoned Matt and he was on his way with Zach. Jon was dealing with an overflowing toilet but would make it soon. We then saw Sam and met his girlfriend. A pale young man named Michael joined us, and hauntingly reminded me of Adam. He said he knew Adam, but not well. Brent and his wife Kallie completed the group, and I was happy for the great showing of support and caring, most of these 'kids' were at Adam's memorial service in 2016, and I didn't get to talk to them much at all, so this opportunity each year is especially important to me.

(some thought it was macabre to pose with goofy props)

After the Walk I had reservations at Kiku, the first restaurant that Adam worked at in Springfield, but they didn't open until 4:30 and it was only a little after 3. The group decided to meet for a drink at Mowie's Cue, a pool hall/pub near the UIS campus they were all familiar with. It turned out to be a great way to kill time, as several played pool, and everyone relaxed and broke into different groups to talk. Brent was especially gregarious, partially because he grew up near Macomb and lived here for awhile. He easily regaled us with Tut stories, and it was really nice he was so natural talking about him.

Having a shot of Crown for Adam

We all met after that at Kiku where most of the party had hibachi at two big grills at our table. It was fun, relaxed, and easy, and I am so grateful to these guys to take the time to fellowship together. It seemed kind of a like a reunion for many of them, as they graduated college several years ago and have gone in separate directions. It's clear that there was a pretty strong bond among them, which again, made me feel happy for Adam. Sherry, the owner whom Adam had worked for, gave me a huge discount and hugs. I know she felt terrible about Adam's suicide.

Matt from Arizona, Michael (doppleganger), Brent (before the fire)

Ned Nickerson and Nick or Joe Jonas at Kiku

This morning on the way from the hotel to Michael's for a bit of shopping, I felt that sinking feeling after the high. I saw the Men's Wearhouse where Adam was fitted for his tux for Eli's wedding during the last month of his life. Reality set in. The only reason for yesterday's high, was Adam's low. He kept this life in Springfield separate from us, and it is gratifying to know his friends were such good people, and we heard some new Tut stories. However, as Betsy said, I would trade knowing all these friends of Adam to have him back. It was a long ride back to Macomb, but I'm feeling as well as I believe I can under the circumstances. Two amazing weekends surrounded by warm hearts and lots of love.

Tuesday, October 09, 2018

Another amazing Out of the Darkness Walk wrapped this past weekend. We raised over $14,000 so far, the highest total by far in three years. Over 200 Walkers (our mayor estimated closer to 400) signed in on a rainy but not cold day in October to remember loved ones lost to suicide, support each other and make a difference in our community. Adam's Uncle Kevin made it in from Omaha for his first Walk, and represented the Tuttles well! Everyone enjoyed visiting with Kevin.

To see an entire high school football team walk up to our event  in uniform; it's sobering. One life changed so many. The impact of suicide is enormous on young people. I see it in my own sons, and I saw it on Saturday. The most prevalent comment I heard was how these young people brought out the emotions in everyone.

The torrential downpour just as we took off to walk could be seen as a negative.  However, there was no lightning and it wasn't too cold. I choose to see the positive, the resilience, the metaphor for overcoming a tragedy and making the world a better place. We have to do things differently if we want to stem the increase in suicide.

Our team this year (many didn't make the pic):

Cal had so many friends and supporters come to hear him speak. Several spent the weekend with us and it was a joy to have the house full of so many amazing young adults. If I hear another complaint about "Millenials" I'm going to lose it! This generation is caring, thoughtful, bright and funny.

The support and love was felt strongly by me and I believe others that day and leading up to the Walk with donations pouring in from so many sources. The rain just made it more special.

Thursday, October 04, 2018


I had two dreams about Adam this week. Not long ones, but he was clearly there.

I went on the radio yesterday morning to talk about the Walk, and almost was late because the battery in Adam's watch that I wear everyday died.

Monday evening I totally spaced out the Suicide Support Group. I had offered to pick up the pottery projects at the Park office that were fired and totally forgot that when I dropped off the banners for the Walk on my lunch that afternoon. So two fails on that.

I'm fretting and stewing about the weather Saturday which I totally can't control. Hoping for a good event in spite of the weather.

When I went to pick up my watch battery, the song Africa came on. That's my anthem for Adam.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Sonnets and Such

One day I wrote her name upon the strand,
But came the waves and washed it away:
Again I wrote it with a second hand,
But came the tide, and made my pains his prey.

Vain man, said she, that dost in vain assay
A mortal thing so to immortalize!
For I myself shall like to this decay,
And eek my name be wiped out likewise.

Not so (quoth I), let baser things devise
To die in dust, but you shall live by fame:
My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,
And in the heavens write your glorious name;
Where, whenas death shall all the world subdue,
Our love shall live, and later life renew.

In 12th grade English we had to memorize and recite a sonnet. I chose this one by Edmund Spenser which I have always remembered the first line of, and that's all. It comes back familiar as I read it through this morning. 

Up at 4 a.m. organizing, tidying in preparation for the Big Week. The Out of the Darkness Walk is Saturday and Cal is hosting a cook-out at our house and having some friends in for the weekend from out of town. This has me in a frenzied mood to...write a sonnet??

One day I washed the kitchen floor,
But came the Pat and walked across it:
Again, I mopped around the kitchen door,
But came the ants and trailed their antish bit.

Vain woman, I said, that dost clean in vain
How can you expect this house to look a-swag!
For Cal's friends to be impressed is strain,
And wear you down to your last rag.

Get up (quoth I), there's cooking and cleaning to do
And there you sit typing rubbish on your computer screen:
Your thoughts are those of a Shakespearean shrew,
And matter less than how you preen;
Where, whenas, all the guests arrive in haste,
And judge you to be a Mama of good taste.