I didn't bring my camera to the beach, because, you know, you just want to not have to worry about that. The ocean was about the same temp as the apartment pool, around 72. We all got in and walked the beach. Jellyfish were washed up in the quieter stretches of beach. Fascinating creatures.
Pat and I went to the movie Annihilation while H and E went to an organ recital last night.
Sunday I went to church with the kids. My second time there. We're really just chillin'.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Day 4
Two entire days left here in sunny Gainesville. The distinguishing feature of Gville is the Spanish moss draping most all of the trees, and the gators of course. We have already seen many of the most famous Gators including loud Dennis who shouts angrily at passers by in the UF crosswalks, poor Ivy who is a 'business associate' of Dick Butkus, and the Friday afternoon dancing Krishnas on campus.
We got a little lazy and a little pink yesterday at the pool, then met Hannah downtown for dinner. I am glad to say our Illinois flu bug has passed out of our systems.
On to the main event, the Gainesville Orchestra with Eli sitting in on La Mer movement 3, where five trumpets were needed. He had a stunning three note solo! The program theme Majesty of the Sea included Eli on Rapture, a contemporary piece, selections from West Side Story (?) and Pirates of the Carribean overture. They performed to a full house in the concert hall at Santa Fe College. Pretty imptressive. Afterwards we went backstage to meet Dr. Randolph Lee, Eli's trumpet professor.
And just for Betsy, there was yet another Musical Chris Vick Doppleganger on second violin.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
3:22
Nothing like waking at 3:22 when you don't have to be up until 6 or so...call it anticipation, excitement, or just old vanilla insomnia. Maybe we will make an earlier departure for Florida than we thought.
Getting right with myself means leaving work behind, being grateful for all I have, and apparently stocking up on decongestant and Kleenex. Here's hoping we leave our colds and our worries behind and enjoy a week away from cold, frozen Illinois.
Hello You Two
Getting right with myself means leaving work behind, being grateful for all I have, and apparently stocking up on decongestant and Kleenex. Here's hoping we leave our colds and our worries behind and enjoy a week away from cold, frozen Illinois.
Hello You Two
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Friday, February 16, 2018
Bucket List
In honor of Adam's life, I am hereby declaring my intention to fulfill my Bucket List. First things first: come up with a new and better name for bucket list. How about Dream Execution? Nah, sounds like I might be wanting to kill someone. Fantasy Rendering? Too kinky. Passion Inventory? This is not a business proposition. Joy Manifesto? Ted Kazinski anyone? Now I am attracting the attention of the FBI. Jiminy Christmas, let's just start over...
I'm just going to go with the working title: Zesty Index of Life Wishes to Complete Before I Die. Nothing to do with crackers, though.
So last week I knocked a couple of items off...I spent 60 minutes in a sensory deprivation isolation tank. Lest this sound too scary, these are also known as Relaxation Floats. You actually pay money to float in a closed pod of body temperature salt water. It is supposed to be sterile, sound proof and lightless. I found only the last component to be completely true.
I took a friend who happens to be a germophobe, so I can attest that the "perfectly clean" claim is questionable at best. You see, there are supposed to be two hours between one hour floats, plenty of time to filter and replace the water, right? But when we arrived, someone had fallen asleep in one of the tanks and was just getting out, and we were told the proprietor would have it ready in just a few minutes. Hmmm, no way were they replacing that water before we climbed in. I gallantly volunteered to use that tank, so that my friend could at least pretend like the other tank had been genuinely cleaned and filtered. It actually didn't bother me that much once I got in and had other issues to contend with.
The pods each have the option to keep the light on and meditation style music playing. I turned the music off almost immediately as wanted the full deprivation experience. Problem there was this location was on a busy city street and I could hear or maybe feel when heavier vehicles were passing by. Not really too distracting though, and only occasional.
The light is initially a pretty iridescent soft blue that makes your body look pretty amazing. Of course, you're in there by yourself so who really cares? I shut the light off too and it was truly pitch black. I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed.
Two things initially grabbed my attention and those were that I forgot to dry my face off before getting in as Molly suggested, and I forgot to put ointment on a small blister on my foot, and 1000 pounds of Epsom salt is pretty stingy to even small open wounds. After letting those thoughts go and consciously attempting meditation, I began to worry about haggling over the price when we got out- the posted signs in the spa didn't match what the internet said, so I worried there would be a debate. I worked that out of my head, using my masterful skills, telling myself this is all part of the process. I felt my shoulders and neck not cooperating with the relaxation, and I later realized I forgot another tip Molly gave us: to raise our arms above our head. That might have helped. Eventually I began to feel like I was submerged in a jelly mold. So I began swaying ever so slightly. This was a pretty cool feeling.
Towards the end of the hour, the humidity in the tank was feeling pretty heavy to my breathing. I had the faint thought I might be literally using up all the oxygen. But I didn't want to stir so much as it would take to open the door, so I just settled into that as well. Before I was necessarily ready, the soft light and music gently came on, and I got ready to exit, pleased that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I was absolutely thrilled that we were charged $10 less than we expected due to being referred by another customer. All in all, it was an interesting experience, but I am not dying to repeat it.
I'm just going to go with the working title: Zesty Index of Life Wishes to Complete Before I Die. Nothing to do with crackers, though.
So last week I knocked a couple of items off...I spent 60 minutes in a sensory deprivation isolation tank. Lest this sound too scary, these are also known as Relaxation Floats. You actually pay money to float in a closed pod of body temperature salt water. It is supposed to be sterile, sound proof and lightless. I found only the last component to be completely true.
I took a friend who happens to be a germophobe, so I can attest that the "perfectly clean" claim is questionable at best. You see, there are supposed to be two hours between one hour floats, plenty of time to filter and replace the water, right? But when we arrived, someone had fallen asleep in one of the tanks and was just getting out, and we were told the proprietor would have it ready in just a few minutes. Hmmm, no way were they replacing that water before we climbed in. I gallantly volunteered to use that tank, so that my friend could at least pretend like the other tank had been genuinely cleaned and filtered. It actually didn't bother me that much once I got in and had other issues to contend with.
The pods each have the option to keep the light on and meditation style music playing. I turned the music off almost immediately as wanted the full deprivation experience. Problem there was this location was on a busy city street and I could hear or maybe feel when heavier vehicles were passing by. Not really too distracting though, and only occasional.
The light is initially a pretty iridescent soft blue that makes your body look pretty amazing. Of course, you're in there by yourself so who really cares? I shut the light off too and it was truly pitch black. I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed.
Two things initially grabbed my attention and those were that I forgot to dry my face off before getting in as Molly suggested, and I forgot to put ointment on a small blister on my foot, and 1000 pounds of Epsom salt is pretty stingy to even small open wounds. After letting those thoughts go and consciously attempting meditation, I began to worry about haggling over the price when we got out- the posted signs in the spa didn't match what the internet said, so I worried there would be a debate. I worked that out of my head, using my masterful skills, telling myself this is all part of the process. I felt my shoulders and neck not cooperating with the relaxation, and I later realized I forgot another tip Molly gave us: to raise our arms above our head. That might have helped. Eventually I began to feel like I was submerged in a jelly mold. So I began swaying ever so slightly. This was a pretty cool feeling.
Towards the end of the hour, the humidity in the tank was feeling pretty heavy to my breathing. I had the faint thought I might be literally using up all the oxygen. But I didn't want to stir so much as it would take to open the door, so I just settled into that as well. Before I was necessarily ready, the soft light and music gently came on, and I got ready to exit, pleased that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I was absolutely thrilled that we were charged $10 less than we expected due to being referred by another customer. All in all, it was an interesting experience, but I am not dying to repeat it.
This is not me, but gives you an idea what the process looks like.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Feb. whatever
The days have really been flaking off since the anniversary of Adam's death, 2/2/18. A week goes so fast anymore. I always start the day off feeling great, and by the end of the day, somewhat like a walking zombie. A shower or a walk or ride at the Y usually helps.
I have to admit, I've been counting down the days now to our Florida trip and we are down to 11.
A little over one year ago, I was on this beautiful beach in Destin. This year the destination is Gainesville, which has no beach. No matter...it beats the heck out of Macomb. We are lucky that it worked out so that we are going to be able to see Eli play with the Gainesville Symphony Orchestra. Whatever else happens is icing on the cake.
This was my sand castle tribute to Adam on the beach last year, when I came back to check on it a day later. He loved his sand castles.
My sweet daughter in law posted this on February 2:
I have to admit, I've been counting down the days now to our Florida trip and we are down to 11.
A little over one year ago, I was on this beautiful beach in Destin. This year the destination is Gainesville, which has no beach. No matter...it beats the heck out of Macomb. We are lucky that it worked out so that we are going to be able to see Eli play with the Gainesville Symphony Orchestra. Whatever else happens is icing on the cake.
This was my sand castle tribute to Adam on the beach last year, when I came back to check on it a day later. He loved his sand castles.
My sweet daughter in law posted this on February 2:
I'll never forget seeing "Alice Through the Looking Glass" just a few months after Adam departed from us 2/2/16. Alan Rickman had also passed away recently, and his voice inhabited a butterfly at the start of the film... very poignant. When I think about Adam now, I remember what the Mad Hatter says to Alice at the end... "In the gardens of memory, in the palace of dreams, that is where you and I will meet."
Alan Rickman said "if only life could be a little more tender and art a little more robust." I agree with him.
Some of Adam's friends posted pictures, memories and thoughts of him. It meant the world to me, and made the day a bit sweeter.
Friday, February 02, 2018
February 2
I have been grieving more in the days and weeks leading up until today, making this day feel pretty okay. I have gotten several messages, cards, and texts, and it is nice to be remembered, and that Adam is remembered. Some wonderful Facebook posts; social media has the power to do good!
I took a casserole and some treats to a co-worker whose grandson died (age 3) on Monday. I don't know her well, but it definitely affected me, being so close to Adam's. I know how much it meant to me when people did anything really, but having plenty of comfort food available was really nice.
On Wednesday evening I attended a free Big Band concert in town. Most of the members were WIU faculty and students, and some talented community members thrown in. They played jazz standards from the Glenn Miller and Tommy Dorsey "chart" (don't I sound fancy?). John Cooper, director of Jazz Studies and trumpeter, was the conductor. He also wrote a composition they played. He introduced it like this:
I took a casserole and some treats to a co-worker whose grandson died (age 3) on Monday. I don't know her well, but it definitely affected me, being so close to Adam's. I know how much it meant to me when people did anything really, but having plenty of comfort food available was really nice.
On Wednesday evening I attended a free Big Band concert in town. Most of the members were WIU faculty and students, and some talented community members thrown in. They played jazz standards from the Glenn Miller and Tommy Dorsey "chart" (don't I sound fancy?). John Cooper, director of Jazz Studies and trumpeter, was the conductor. He also wrote a composition they played. He introduced it like this:
This piece is about the inevitability of
life, and sometimes you don't get
to say good-bye. So if you're missing someone
tonight, this is for you.
It seemed really personal to him, but I'm not sure who he had lost...it did feel uncanny that I happened to be present, and it was so close to Adam's death date, and gosh it was a pretty number. I couldn't help the tears running down my face through the whole thing. It started with a piano solo, and John featured himself on trumpet.
I had a really good workout in Spin class this morning. Thank you, buddy. However, as I was sitting in the stylist's chair no more than an hour later, I started to feel a head cold coming on, and my bones are slowly starting to ache, even in my hands.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Dream
Adam was right there in my dreams when I woke up this morning. He was living at home and for some reason had brought home a white bulldog looking thing with a pattern on it's fur like colored confetti. It was walking down the front steps and I was afraid to touch it. He also had a bull on the porch and had built a little pen in the front yard for it. Pat goes, "You should really have that in the back yard." Then Adam said, "Don't look under the front porch, we put something there, too, it's not snakes."
That's about it folks. It was good to see him but left me feeling more bereft this time. Either today or tomorrow is the actual day Adam probably died two years ago. We don't know for sure.
That's about it folks. It was good to see him but left me feeling more bereft this time. Either today or tomorrow is the actual day Adam probably died two years ago. We don't know for sure.
Monday, January 29, 2018
January almost February
It feels like Adam's suicide is becoming a fact of my life- not a foreign, unknown, surreal event. I hate that it is. As the two year mark approaches ever so slowly...who invented January anyway? my mood is decidedly crabby, the tears are closer to the surface, and everything seems to be a reminder from the waiting room at work, to Grace driving Adam's old car, to any song that was played in 2016.
OMG- Mozart's Moonlight Sonata is so where I'm at.
OMG- Mozart's Moonlight Sonata is so where I'm at.
Friday, January 19, 2018
Day of Giving
I spent a very busy afternoon at the food pantry. Did not expect to see so many people I know. That cheered me up. Some remember me, some do not. I always let them speak first, so as not to embarrass anyone. The flow was just insane today, with three of us working until everyone was served, past the closing time. The other two left more or less on time, leaving me to clean the tables and vacuum. I had to hunt down a new vacuum bag, and make do with paper towels and water for cleaner. It was good.
This evening I will pick up my little sister. She wants to know what we're eating and doing. She wants "choices." I said "Cheesy breadsticks or tacos, baking whole wheat bread, and a spa night." To which she replied, "What can we have with breadsticks?" I figured we could do nails and facials after dinner while the bread is rising and baking. I'm in the mood for a new nail polish color; everything else I have, so I will stop at Walgreens on the way there.
Pat was on his way to visit my folks (that's a folksy term, isn't it?) when I came home between events. That is nice for both of them. I know they really appreciate visitors, expected or unexpected.
I think I will take a long shower before bed tonight. I'm quite grungy from the day already. I deserve it!
This evening I will pick up my little sister. She wants to know what we're eating and doing. She wants "choices." I said "Cheesy breadsticks or tacos, baking whole wheat bread, and a spa night." To which she replied, "What can we have with breadsticks?" I figured we could do nails and facials after dinner while the bread is rising and baking. I'm in the mood for a new nail polish color; everything else I have, so I will stop at Walgreens on the way there.
Pat was on his way to visit my folks (that's a folksy term, isn't it?) when I came home between events. That is nice for both of them. I know they really appreciate visitors, expected or unexpected.
I think I will take a long shower before bed tonight. I'm quite grungy from the day already. I deserve it!
Monday, January 15, 2018
My e-mailbox was full again at work. Cleaning it out, I found some messages from 2/2/16 when my world changed immeasurably. I can feel the heavy weight of winter and loss as the anniversary approaches. My thoughts are turning more and more to that day and what led up to it for Adam and myself. It is painful but necessary work.
I was very busy over the holidays, a distraction really. Now, I get ready for another day of work and hope to God there is never another day like 2-2-16. Two weeks from Friday will be two years. Some say the second year is harder, but I wouldn't say that. There is more a sense Adam being left behind, but also happy moments when acceptance and peace fill my heart.
I keep certain things the way they were that day, like those messages in my saved file. His chapstick, Aveeno lotion, a book on my dresser. One day they will change and be gone, but never, never will my best boy be far from my thoughts. One day I will be where he is, we all will. Life is given and taken in its own time.
I was very busy over the holidays, a distraction really. Now, I get ready for another day of work and hope to God there is never another day like 2-2-16. Two weeks from Friday will be two years. Some say the second year is harder, but I wouldn't say that. There is more a sense Adam being left behind, but also happy moments when acceptance and peace fill my heart.
I keep certain things the way they were that day, like those messages in my saved file. His chapstick, Aveeno lotion, a book on my dresser. One day they will change and be gone, but never, never will my best boy be far from my thoughts. One day I will be where he is, we all will. Life is given and taken in its own time.
Monday, January 01, 2018
2018
I thought I was going to write my reflections of 2017...but that was so LAST YEAR.
Up at 4 a.m., I am struck with my New Year burst of energy: energy to organize my spaces, clean my cabinets, write things down, and start new self help books and practices. Yes, I think I always start a new year with the hope of change, renewal, and growth. That's what all this cleaning, writing and reading is about.
My latest read is called 10% Happier by Dan Harris, a journalist who struggled with anxiety and drug abuse and his journey to enlightenment. Now I want to go on a 10 day silent meditation retreat or at least add it to my bucket list.
More practically speaking, I have a few resolutions for 2018.
Up at 4 a.m., I am struck with my New Year burst of energy: energy to organize my spaces, clean my cabinets, write things down, and start new self help books and practices. Yes, I think I always start a new year with the hope of change, renewal, and growth. That's what all this cleaning, writing and reading is about.
My latest read is called 10% Happier by Dan Harris, a journalist who struggled with anxiety and drug abuse and his journey to enlightenment. Now I want to go on a 10 day silent meditation retreat or at least add it to my bucket list.
More practically speaking, I have a few resolutions for 2018.
- Be there more for my clients
- Live in the moment
- Let go when it's time
- Pause
- Be a Warrior Woman and meet my challenges with grace
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Me Time
My family has begun tossing around the phrase me time, after my mother asked my dad to go somewhere, anywhere, for a couple of hours so she could have some me time alone in the house (one day he sat in the YMCA parking lot facing my house and read a book because he thought the senior citizens center was closed, and he didn't want to get out of the car, and indeed it is a struggle, or bother anyone).
Apparently my me time is between 4-5:00 a.m. and around 7-8 on vacation days. Today me time started at 3:45 a.m. or maybe is it just a counter balance to the family time we've been having. Pat and I hosted four of the millenials in the family from the 21st through the 26th. Then two of the millennials were replaced the 27th with the arrival of the heralded Florida millennials. We have spent countless hours at my parent's house eating, laughing and playing games. Notice I didn't mention arguing. That was a hard word to spell!
I have and only will work one day between the 21st and January 2nd to spend time with family. The early morning me time affords me the pleasure of a quiet house, reordering the kitchen, catching up on bills, or blogging and Facebooking. Yesterday Chuck came over at 6:15 a.m. to try to get his 1984 Mercedes running, a diesel engine that to all appearances doesn't like cold weather, so I did have some company!! This endeavor involved space heaters, much maneuvering, and eventually a tow to a warm garage. He did arrive safely back in Indiana, luckily, and only a day late.
It is wonderful to see everyone; the first time I have laid eyes on Eli and Hannah since August. Funnily, when Eli walked in, it didn't seem that long ago, nor when Hannah walked in a bit later. I took this week off specifically to be available when they are. They have a lot of people to see on their short visit so I want to be home when they are.
We have been lighting the Always and Forever candles for Adam so he can be with us. Already it has been a Christmas to remember, but the me time sure is nice!
Apparently my me time is between 4-5:00 a.m. and around 7-8 on vacation days. Today me time started at 3:45 a.m. or maybe is it just a counter balance to the family time we've been having. Pat and I hosted four of the millenials in the family from the 21st through the 26th. Then two of the millennials were replaced the 27th with the arrival of the heralded Florida millennials. We have spent countless hours at my parent's house eating, laughing and playing games. Notice I didn't mention arguing. That was a hard word to spell!
I have and only will work one day between the 21st and January 2nd to spend time with family. The early morning me time affords me the pleasure of a quiet house, reordering the kitchen, catching up on bills, or blogging and Facebooking. Yesterday Chuck came over at 6:15 a.m. to try to get his 1984 Mercedes running, a diesel engine that to all appearances doesn't like cold weather, so I did have some company!! This endeavor involved space heaters, much maneuvering, and eventually a tow to a warm garage. He did arrive safely back in Indiana, luckily, and only a day late.
It is wonderful to see everyone; the first time I have laid eyes on Eli and Hannah since August. Funnily, when Eli walked in, it didn't seem that long ago, nor when Hannah walked in a bit later. I took this week off specifically to be available when they are. They have a lot of people to see on their short visit so I want to be home when they are.
We have been lighting the Always and Forever candles for Adam so he can be with us. Already it has been a Christmas to remember, but the me time sure is nice!
Sunday, December 24, 2017
I Will Wait for You
It got me again. My uber -talented nephew Ethan was doing a piano performance at Wesley Village where my parents live entitled "Bach to Tackett." Grandma gave it the boss title, and Ethan nailed it with selections from Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, Debussey, Copeland, his jazz repertoire, original pieces and ending with "Christmas Melody" arranged by his truly.
About 8 residents and 9 Vick relations gathered in the chapel. Ethan introduced each piece (several times in progressively louder decibels to appease the audience, namely Grandma), and even gave a brief music history lesson when one of the elder ladies shouted out, "Beethoven was blind, wasn't he?"
Ethan prefacing one his original pieces with something along the lines of, "This song is called I Will Wait for You and it's about when you lose someone you love. This song is very special to me," was enough to start the flow. I'm so proud of him and how amazing it is that he can write and sing such beautiful music and not break down himself. He sang at Adam's memorial and Eli and Hannah's rehearsal dinner, choking everyone up. I didn't look at anyone else yesterday, but I'm pretty sure it socked the nine of us family members in the gut. The elder ladies must have wondered what was going on.
It snowed this morning and we are having nice family time. We had a Willy Wonka marathon last night, a private family yoga session, a walk at Veterans Park, and of course, strawberry making. I am going to bake my almost famous "Poppy Seed Delight" bread and try a new casserole, Cinnamon Roll French Toast. I wouldn't say I am "bah humbug" but I didn't put up a tree or stockings or do much shopping. The spirit of Christmas is still alive, and Adam lives in our hearts this year and always.
About 8 residents and 9 Vick relations gathered in the chapel. Ethan introduced each piece (several times in progressively louder decibels to appease the audience, namely Grandma), and even gave a brief music history lesson when one of the elder ladies shouted out, "Beethoven was blind, wasn't he?"
Ethan prefacing one his original pieces with something along the lines of, "This song is called I Will Wait for You and it's about when you lose someone you love. This song is very special to me," was enough to start the flow. I'm so proud of him and how amazing it is that he can write and sing such beautiful music and not break down himself. He sang at Adam's memorial and Eli and Hannah's rehearsal dinner, choking everyone up. I didn't look at anyone else yesterday, but I'm pretty sure it socked the nine of us family members in the gut. The elder ladies must have wondered what was going on.
It snowed this morning and we are having nice family time. We had a Willy Wonka marathon last night, a private family yoga session, a walk at Veterans Park, and of course, strawberry making. I am going to bake my almost famous "Poppy Seed Delight" bread and try a new casserole, Cinnamon Roll French Toast. I wouldn't say I am "bah humbug" but I didn't put up a tree or stockings or do much shopping. The spirit of Christmas is still alive, and Adam lives in our hearts this year and always.
Saturday, December 09, 2017
Flashback Weekend
Plans to shop and dine with Cal today were cancelled due to his coming down with a flu. I decided I wanted to drop off a care package anyway. When Pat balked I said, "I won't be able to do this forever, someday he will have someone else to take care of him." So off I went like Little Red Riding Hood to deliver homemade candies, banana bread, soup and Dunkin Donuts 1.5 hours away.
On the way I conjured up different memories of traveling this route, mostly in the wake of Adam's death, to visit the boys. I also tried to imagine what Adam's state of mind was after Christmas 2015 that led to his suicide. It wasn't terribly painful, surprisingly.
I surprised Cal at his door, but I think he was happy. I did his laundry, changed his bedding, took out the garbage, washed dishes, helped hang a picture, picked up some quarters and some Sprite at the gas station, and we managed to talk as well. He had a couple of personal blows recently, but handled them well. Life continues to throw curveballs at us all.
We discussed Stranger Things, and I forgot to tell him ever since I started watching, my bathroom lights have been flickering so maybe Adam is trying to communicate with me...or it could the new electrical system we had installed. You gotta watch the show.
I had a feeling I would hear the song Africa today and sure enough it was the second song I heard on the radio on the way home. I have my own past associations with this song, but now I clearly consider it Adam's song, ever since I found out he and Kelsey used to belt out the chorus to each other. He told her it was played at Bill's and my wedding, and I found this so endearing. BTW, it too, was played on Stranger Things. I belted out the chorus in the car along with some tears. A Peoria station was playing a Flashback Weekend from 1979-1982. I wondered why I hated Journey and Styx but liked Cheap Trick and Boston? Little Red Riding Hood arrived safely home, with no big bad wolf, although I did see what looked like a jackal at the Duncan Mills junction.
The rest of my weekend was spent attending a concert of incredible opera music and seeing the movie Coco with friends. Both were top notch. Best opera voice and Disney movie I've ever seen. All in all, it's been a great couple of days. If I manage to fight off the germs I was exposed to, I will consider it a roaring success.
On the way I conjured up different memories of traveling this route, mostly in the wake of Adam's death, to visit the boys. I also tried to imagine what Adam's state of mind was after Christmas 2015 that led to his suicide. It wasn't terribly painful, surprisingly.
I surprised Cal at his door, but I think he was happy. I did his laundry, changed his bedding, took out the garbage, washed dishes, helped hang a picture, picked up some quarters and some Sprite at the gas station, and we managed to talk as well. He had a couple of personal blows recently, but handled them well. Life continues to throw curveballs at us all.
We discussed Stranger Things, and I forgot to tell him ever since I started watching, my bathroom lights have been flickering so maybe Adam is trying to communicate with me...or it could the new electrical system we had installed. You gotta watch the show.
I had a feeling I would hear the song Africa today and sure enough it was the second song I heard on the radio on the way home. I have my own past associations with this song, but now I clearly consider it Adam's song, ever since I found out he and Kelsey used to belt out the chorus to each other. He told her it was played at Bill's and my wedding, and I found this so endearing. BTW, it too, was played on Stranger Things. I belted out the chorus in the car along with some tears. A Peoria station was playing a Flashback Weekend from 1979-1982. I wondered why I hated Journey and Styx but liked Cheap Trick and Boston? Little Red Riding Hood arrived safely home, with no big bad wolf, although I did see what looked like a jackal at the Duncan Mills junction.
The rest of my weekend was spent attending a concert of incredible opera music and seeing the movie Coco with friends. Both were top notch. Best opera voice and Disney movie I've ever seen. All in all, it's been a great couple of days. If I manage to fight off the germs I was exposed to, I will consider it a roaring success.
Friday, December 08, 2017
The Practice of Yoga
Yoga is the first physical activity that felt right for my body (well, maybe the second). I was never good at any sports whatsoever, I hate to run, I didn't start exercising regularly until I was in my 30's, and I'm a horrible dancer. The only reason I can think I wasn't the last kid picked for teams in elementary school, is that I might have been prettier than some of the other un-athletic girls.
When I stepped into my first yoga class in 1997, I was surprised to find it was much more difficult than I thought, in an exertion type of way. If I really exerted myself (which I tend to do, because I like to do things well and right), I found the poses could be very challenging especially when held for longer periods.
My first teacher, Pam, is the gold standard I have held all my subsequent teachers to. Her style of teaching is very precise, and she is explicit about the placement of all body parts and the pattern of the breath. This was an excellent introduction and foundation, and when I did branch out to other teachers at other studios and retreats, I felt comfortable that I was taught the fundamentals and was able to participate without feeling out of my league.
One of Pam's tenets I heard many times was how important daily practice is outside of class. She even had a habit of going around the room and having each student report how many times they practiced that week. For 16 years, I would say, "O" "1" or maybe an occasional "2" and wonder when this daily practice thing was going to affect me.
Then along came 2013. I was having a really hard time accomplishing the workload I was given as a 4th year school social worker. Not to mention the emotional toll a new coordinator had on me. I lost 19 pounds in 3 months time. I was commuting an hour to work each way and felt I had to be at work by 7:00 a.m. in order to keep on top of my new schedule. That meant I was getting up before 5:00 a.m. five days a week. I decided early that year that I would get up early enough to start about a 15 minute yoga practice each morning to help me cope with stress. I credit this routine with getting me through that year without walking off the job. Yoga practice allows for brief rest periods, and this is a lovely concept when applied to life. They really do help mitigate life's stresses.
Then along came 2016. I was keeping up my daily practice because I found it was good for my mind, body and soul. Thank goodness because Adam's death was an overwhelming blow, and I needed anything I could anchor to to get through those first anguishing months.
So here it is almost 2018, and I have found a yoga class and my daily practice that help keep me sane, flexible and grounded. It has truly become an important force in my life.
When I stepped into my first yoga class in 1997, I was surprised to find it was much more difficult than I thought, in an exertion type of way. If I really exerted myself (which I tend to do, because I like to do things well and right), I found the poses could be very challenging especially when held for longer periods.
My first teacher, Pam, is the gold standard I have held all my subsequent teachers to. Her style of teaching is very precise, and she is explicit about the placement of all body parts and the pattern of the breath. This was an excellent introduction and foundation, and when I did branch out to other teachers at other studios and retreats, I felt comfortable that I was taught the fundamentals and was able to participate without feeling out of my league.
One of Pam's tenets I heard many times was how important daily practice is outside of class. She even had a habit of going around the room and having each student report how many times they practiced that week. For 16 years, I would say, "O" "1" or maybe an occasional "2" and wonder when this daily practice thing was going to affect me.
Then along came 2013. I was having a really hard time accomplishing the workload I was given as a 4th year school social worker. Not to mention the emotional toll a new coordinator had on me. I lost 19 pounds in 3 months time. I was commuting an hour to work each way and felt I had to be at work by 7:00 a.m. in order to keep on top of my new schedule. That meant I was getting up before 5:00 a.m. five days a week. I decided early that year that I would get up early enough to start about a 15 minute yoga practice each morning to help me cope with stress. I credit this routine with getting me through that year without walking off the job. Yoga practice allows for brief rest periods, and this is a lovely concept when applied to life. They really do help mitigate life's stresses.
Then along came 2016. I was keeping up my daily practice because I found it was good for my mind, body and soul. Thank goodness because Adam's death was an overwhelming blow, and I needed anything I could anchor to to get through those first anguishing months.
So here it is almost 2018, and I have found a yoga class and my daily practice that help keep me sane, flexible and grounded. It has truly become an important force in my life.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Every Step
There is someone who has been with me every step of the way, my rock steady for 25+ years. Our most devastating year was 2016, of course, when we lost Adam. We lost ourselves at times, too. The image comes to mind of Pat visiting me at my Topps grocery store bakery job, with a 3 year old Adam (Nuke to him) on his shoulders. He would often pick him up at daycare, and spend the evening entertaining him while I worked. During this time the notorious "grape video" was made. Adam and I both appear a bit uncomfortable in front of the camera on a tripod, as Pat fake stuffed grapes up his nose and made iconic "Pat" jokes. He introduced Adam to Terminator 2, the "thirty dollar gun" and "Edward Cigarhands," our crusty and scary next door neighborhood drunk, who teased children with a rubber snake.
We have held each other up when the other was down, even when we didn't know it. Through the recent cancer scare, Pat has gone above and beyond to support me, and I don't give him enough credit. This blog's for you, Pat. Here's to 25 more 💙 (foibles and all).
We have held each other up when the other was down, even when we didn't know it. Through the recent cancer scare, Pat has gone above and beyond to support me, and I don't give him enough credit. This blog's for you, Pat. Here's to 25 more 💙 (foibles and all).
Friday, November 17, 2017
Heart Shaped Pillow
It's still sinking in: I have an oncologist. I have been to his office twice, and it is an ominous feeling. The staff go about their business like any other medical practice, but I can't shake the idea that death is hanging from the ceiling. I look at the other patients and feel 'sorry' that they are here, too. I feel like they are doing the same. I have driven by this office hundreds of times, and never pictured myself walking through the doors.
Even with the "least bad" breast cancer diagnosis, and being given the choice not to do radiation at this time, I know I could be back with worse news in my future. It's like that door is open, and I am always at risk now. That said, I'm not dwelling on it, or living my life any differently.
When I came home from my second surgery, the hospital gave me a pink bag of goodies. A heart shaped pillow, obviously hand sewn was included. It is just the right size to fit under my arm and take the pressure off my incision. It is also just the right size for hugging when I sleep. That simple pillow has given me great comfort on this newest journey.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
STUG
My boss warned me about this. She calls it Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief (STUG). After a year and a half since losing Adam, they are farther apart. In the words of a wise mother I know who lost a son, "It doesn't get easier, but you get more used it."
It's difficult to think about events of two years ago (fall 2015), when we had no idea Adam was in trouble. Here's how a mundane thought morphs into a mini-grief attack: I learned yesterday Hannah is attending the national Musicology conference this weekend in Rochester, NY. Two years ago, Hannah was at the same conference which was held in Louisville, right in Betsy's backyard. In fact, she stayed with Betsy. That was the same weekend my parents, Eli, Cal and I all traveled to Betsy's for Ethan's starring performance in Man of LaMancha. It was a really special, fun time when everyone was happy and we didn't suspect anything was wrong in the world. A mere three months later, Adam would be dead. That's how my mind goes.
October 17, 2017 was an especially hard day. I remember crying in the morning, periodically during the day, and that night. I don't know why. I wrote: I feel like Adam is being left behind by friends, work pals, even some of my own family. Today was a sad day, a down day. Sometimes just thinking of anything that happened while he was alive makes me incredibly sad.
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