Sibling Loss

I have read novels about mothers who have lost children. Now, of course, I am living it. Something that always struck me was the needs of the siblings being neglected. The mother's grief was always so all-encompassing, the other children got lost.

So what about the brothers? Eli and Cal are almost five and six years younger than Adam. They didn't enter high school until after Adam graduated. They are only one year apart in school and spent time with each other's friend group. They live in the same apartment building this year. Why am I saying this? It is not to say their loss is any less. It is to say they have each other in this shared experience and thank god for that.

They have been strong and brave and loving. As Pat observed, they have taken care of us at times. The first few weeks we talked daily, if only to check in. It was comforting to hear their voices and see how their days went. Eli has Hannah, and Cal has a plethora of childhood friends, college friends, and a passel of girls, known as Cal's gals (from his trip to Guatemala).

I remember sitting outside very early on the morning of February 8th. It was cold and freezing rain was coming down. Eli was driving back to Blo-No very early to return to student teaching just two days after Adam's memorial service. I was scared and sad and tears were flowing. He got up after me and courageously drove back to his life.

I remember the fear and anxiety in Cal's voice February 2nd when he called as we were on our way to tell them. He was able to get to Eli very quickly so they could be together until we got there. No, I can't imagine what they have gone through and continue to go through. I'm afraid to even put myself there mentally for fear of having a break down.

I just want to say how proud of them I am. How honest they have been. How open with their emotions, questions, and support they are. How connected they are to us as parents. How much they love Adam and have paid respect to him. How they carry on with him in their hearts.

No one has an instruction book for how to handle this situation, but it feels like we are on solid ground as a family. I get to spend some time with them tonight, and I can't tell you how much I need that.

Together on Valentine's Day 2016

(the new normal in Normal)