Reflections

Please don't think my lack of blogging means I don't think about Adam every single day. I do. I am told there were four suicides in my small town this past week. It was not initially activating to me, as I might have expected. I began to put myself in the parent's shoes, and think about how I processed Adam's death and got through those first days, weeks, and months. 

I am not one to talk, even to my family. I did have a therapist already when Adam died, and I called her the day after we found out he was gone. She was a great support to me, a neutral but caring individual I didn't have to feel awkward with, though I know I did (am crying too much, too little?). Other ways I coped included the following:

• Making things. That first week, my sister and I painted coffee mugs and fired them in the oven that said, "Clear past the Twinkle Stars," as in how much we love you, Adam. Every time I look at that mug on my desk, I feel those pangs of new grief. I never want to forget that, nor do I want to live there.
• I did ceramics, collages, paintings, scrapbook pages, anything hands on as a way to express myself. 
• Writing, writing, writing. Journals, blogs, and letters. Writing thank you notes was very therapeutic for me. I had a friend address and stamp the envelopes. I made copious lists of everything. It was important for me not to forget anything, even how horrible it felt. 
• I had to go back to work quickly. I know this is not for everyone. 
• Giving things of Adam's to people I thought would appreciate it. He had a lot of shoes and coats, and we gave a winter coat to a friend of ours whom Adam had worked for, and it did my soul good to see him wearing that coat. 
• Saving quotes and memes that hit home. 
• Getting involved with AFSP, a suicide support group and eventually Compassionate Friends. These experiences have evolved, and I'm grateful for the friends I've made and support I've received being part of those who have shared experiences. 
• I collected photographs and stories from friends I didn't know I had, organizing and printing them, staring at them trying to figure out what was behind those beautiful eyes.
• Reading when I was able to (4-5 months later). First, the book I found in Adam's room bookmarked to the page he was on (Wild by Cheryl Strayed). Uncannily, it was about how she processed the death of her mother, and I found it comforting and inspiring. I then devoured many books, blogs and articles on suicide loss and surviving loss in general. 
• Noticing the "coinci-dinks" as my friend Kelley calls them, signs from Adam, and savoring every morsel of information I get from people generous enough to share their memories of Adam with me. 

Some things came years later like designing a headstone, using his ashes for jewelry, and getting a tattoo. I let those unfold in time, knowing they would happen eventually. Finally, after seven plus years, having a sense of Adam's spirit around me when I meditate each morning. I'm at peace most of the time, as the lovely plaque my sister gave me reminds me:

IN JOY AND SORROW

 LIFE WILL TEACH YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

**On Joy and Sorrow

Khalil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.And he answered:Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."But I say unto you, they are inseparable.Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.