Last of the Letters for Now. Stayed tuned for my Novel, har har

 11-26-89

Adam's appetite did pick up last night temporarily. He ate soup and lots of graham crackers. Today all he ate was oatmeal and Kix. It is really frustrating and emotionally draining as it is so worrisome. He was really fussy-cranky. 

Hopefully we will have a picture of Adam for Christmas cards. They took his photo at daycare a couple of weeks ago. No idea how they turned out.

I'm exhausted from sleeping so much this weekend. The night Chris arrived we stayed up until about 2:30. The next 3 nights we went to bed at 9 pm. The restaurant where we had Thanksgiving at was real nice-Ramada Inn. I specially enjoyed whipped badadas. There were some people there who got to know Adam cuz he was running all over. They go, "Here comes Adam." Chris says I have a Buffalo accent. 

Dear Family

 From Buffalo

7-24-89

Adam likes our next door neighbor, Fred, a big black Bow-Wow. I had Bill bring the TV down last night. Adam watched Jim Henson hour and kept saying "Coo-Coo" or Cookie Monster when Oscar came on. 

8-something-89

We went to a party at the house of Bill's department chair. They had an in-ground pool that Adam put his feet in. I'm pretty convinced that his beastliness at Artpark was caused by his toes being curled under in the Reeboks, cause at this party he became beastly for no apparent reason, so I tried taking his shoes off and there were lots of wrinkles and redness around his toes. 

I sort of got hooked on those Orange Milano cookies, Lou. They're really good once they're in your mouth. Adam really likes them, too. He was smearing chocolate on both our faces earlier this evening. Then he led me out of the cookie room into another, then he snuck back and went straight for the cookies. He calls  Mickey Mouse, dinosaurs and Big Bird all "Coo-Coo." 

A grad student from DU got a teaching job at University of North Dakota. I told Bill that would be a good place for us to settle, so we could spend summers at the Farm. But we decided Adam would be too radical/cool for the kids there. 

9-16-89

Adam is getting quite grown up. He is now going to daycare two days a week, and seems to be doing okay. He cries when we leave and cries when we pick him up, but have been told by the teachers, he does stop in between. His vocabulary is growing, to include dada, mama, gaga (grandpa), baba (baby), bowbow (bow wow), biggee (miss piggy), coocoo (cookie monster), baba (bottle). As parents we know the subtle differences between bottle, baby, and bow wow, but I doubt others would distinguish so easily. He is really an amazing little challenge. We got him some adorable red canvas sneakers, which remind me of myself with Grandma Topp at the Farm wearing the same red sneakers, at about Adam's age.

9-17-89

We had a really nice time last night. Adam was a very good boy for the babysitter* and she seemed to really enjoy him. 

*I wonder if this was my friend Gretchen, before we really became friends? I do remember her babysitting a time or two.

9-24-89

Adam helped me design some stationary for this week's letter. Pretty nifty, huh?* Hey, he's got 1 1/2 new teeth, maybe the cause of all the night waking and lingering cold symptoms. Also, he has a new thing called the "Zyzzy shuffle." After Icky Woods got injured, he took over with a shuffling dance step that is very funny to watch. Sometimes he does it to music, sometimes not. 

*paper covered with crayon scribbles

I bought a mock red turtleneck today on a shopping fiasco with Adam. We went to that bookstore with all the cards and gifts, Lou, and he totally took command, with two jingly pencils in his hands, he was off on a rampage, and I could not control him. 

Lou, I've been using that pretty framed picture of you to teach him "Ru Ru" but haven't had much success yet. He says "truck" spontaneously and barks instead of saying "bowbow" sometimes. 

10-8-89

We went to a birthday party for 3 year old Isaac, whose dad is a 5th year English grad student. Adam played by himself and with Rosalie, daughter of two English grad students, and in Adam's daycare, but on opposite days. She's 1 1/2 months older, same size but very dark hair and white skin. She's cute in a deprived, pixie-ish way. She and Adam were shoveling popcorn into their mouths; Adam feeding Rose, too. 

Then some of the older kids were opening Isaac's gifts for him and back in a corner was Rose opening the gift Adam brought. It was chaos. Barbara Bono, professor of English and mother of two year old John who goes to daycare also, says to Rose's dad, "That daughter of yours is a bold piece!" in an English accent. 

Betsy, Adam called you "Ga ga" today. I'm sorry. 

10-20-89

Here are a few Adam anecdotes. We took him to McDonalds and he really enjoyed dipping his fries into ketchup and sucking it off. Actually, he mostly used one fry and it got really soggy. Then we played in the indoors playground and Adam was able to do a big slide (curvy) all by himself (we spotted him of course). But he loved it so much saying, "Wheee."

We say "one" Adam says "two three" really clearly. This is a very good trick. 

Lately Adam is very attached to the cotton blanket I crocheted for him. He's fussy about 7:30-8pm until we go get or he leads us into the room to get blankie. Then he sometimes falls asleep beside me on the couch, so precious. 

He seems to know the difference between a bus and a truck. He even said "Bu" when he saw a picture of the Metro Rail downtown. When we come home and pick him up or get him at daycare, he immediately waves Bye Bye to the babysitters. 

Letters to my Family

 I have been going through volumes of old letters, pictures and memorabilia of my own, my parents, my kids. I am sharing the following entries taken from letters I wrote to family in the year or two after Adam's birth. I am sharing it because he is not here to give this to; he won't be able to read of the funny things he did and the way he was loved from the beginning. It might be painful, but for me necessary, and carthartic.

Adam Nicholas born June 11, 1988, the first grandchild on both sides 

9-11-88

Hi-

Zyzzy (nickname for Adam from a character on Pee Wee's Playhouse) and I are listening to Brahms and Junk. He is making sounds along with it, especially yelps where he sucks in air and makes a sound. He is beary cute, as you know. Today is Adam's 3 month birthday. Bill and I argue about whether he's supposed to be doing 3 or 4 month old things. I say this will be his third month, and Bill says he's in his fourth month. 

10-5-88

No pictures of Adam lately. Zyzzy is doing well. He misses you. He is fussy now so I must go. Love, Susie

10-26-88

The Tuttles were quite taken with Zyzzy, though he did his share of wailing.

11-5-88

Did I tell you we gave Adam rice cereal twice this week? He's had some trouble waking up in the middle of the night, so we tried that. It didn't work the first time, so maybe tonight. He did seem to enjoy eating, though very messy and time consuming. I'm not sure I'm ready for this step.

Betsy, did I tell you how much I think Adam looks like you, from my feeding view of him, especially the nose and mouth? It is so cute. I remember you being much younger, with that wonderful creamy pink skin. 

11-6-88

I had a bunch of pictures to send to a bunch of different people of our beautiful son that I wanted to show off, but decided I wasn't in the mood to write 10 different letters. So this will be a GENERIC letter. I guess that means I have to talk about all the exciting news.

Well, obviously Adam is the most exciting element in our lives. He is growing fast ie. for all you who are not parents, outgrowing his clothes. He is really a happy little child, especially when we have the time to hold him every moment. We are subtly working on getting him to play independently for longer periods of time, although I'm not sure the neighbors think it's so subtle when they hear him wailing for attention. He is long past the days of sleeping all the time.

The other night I was holding Adam on my lap while we were eating dinner, when Bill sneezed. Little Adam threw back his head and laughed out loud. As we continued to fake sneeze, he just thought it was hilarious, laughing louder and longer. Of course, we were in hysterics laughing at him, and it went on and on. Bill went and got his new tape recorder and began taping, which will be a treasured moment forever. I said at the time, he probably won't do this again for awhile and sure enough, he no longer thinks fake sneezing is quite so funny. He is really testing out his vocal chords with different kinds of yelping, babbling, gurgling, cooing and all those other wonderful sounds a baby makes. 

Another milestone occurred last night as Bill and I left Adam with a friend of mine to have dinner and a movie. As we were putting on our jackets and saying bye-bye, he looked over and recognized that we were leaving and began crying. That was the first time he seemed aware that he was being left with a stranger. 

Everyone seems to comment on Adam's big blue eyes. If you haven't seen him yet in person, and rely on our pictures, you are probably thinking, "Blue eyes? I thought he had red eyes." 

If this sappy letter doesn't gag you, please write back and let us know how you all are. We miss getting regular weekly mail as we did when the Vicks were in China. And believe it or not, I kind of miss having to write at least one letter every Sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. I will end with this original quote by me:

CHILDBIRTH----IT IS WORTH IT!!

Love, Susan                                                                  Bill                                        Adam

90 A-

(Bill thought this was a student assignment

and accidentally graded it. I gave his letter

an F (for failing to complete assignment).

Hoarding

 I think I've written several blogs on the topic of hoarding, but here's a different take. This morning at 3 a.m., sleepless again, I was going through my basket of cards on the mantle, trying to get rid of some clutter. Some date back to last fall. In among them, I found this gem (among many other touching, thoughtful cards and notes):

February 2020

I'll always be here for you,

Pinky Promise.

Missing Adam, wanting him to walk through the door, loving Adam, will always be a part of my life. And for as long as I live, I promise, he will be in my heart.

You are dearly loved, Susan, by so many, and though the expression may not always be clear, it is there, just as Adam is with us still. Believe in the unseen, try to trust even if you don't feel, you are loved. When you need to hear that message and know it in your heart, call me, and I will remind you that I love you and I truly am here for you-just for you-in your glory and your heartbreak-when you need me. I will always share our umbrella, to shade us from the sun and protect us from the rain.

I love you, 

Your lil sis

This past weekend my lil sis and I spent the weekend in Springfield at the Out of the Darkness Experience. A little different this year because of the pandemic, Adam's closest friends from college showed up and helped us celebrate and honor his life. It's hard not to imagine him being there, just one of the gang talking, playing pool, and sharing a meal. Simple things he's not here to enjoy. 

Autumn Falls

 Fall is not my favorite, but that moon last night...

I have a hard time when losing sunlight and can feel the blahs coming on. But I can't deny there are some really cool things happening-one being the weather. No need for A/C or heat. Just perfection around here. Crunchy leaves, hedge apples and acorns, even when I slip occasionally while walking. And what about those caramel apples? Must have nuts. 

Bonfires and S'mores.  A lot of traditions are cancelled because of the pandemic. Even Trick or Treating?!