A-1

 I threw away Adam's bottle of A-1 steak sauce today. It's been waiting almost 7 years for him to come home and rip into a good Ribeye. 

What prompted this decision? We decided our 2nd refrigerator wasn't keeping things cold anymore, and seemed to be running non-stop and with these energy bills...I found the coupon from Ameren offering $50 plus free pick up of your old refrigerator and this was the weekend. I needed to make space for more important items like alcohol mixers, water bottles, and bags of flour in the main frig. 

I have been working on convincing myself these mementos, traces of Adam, are NOT Adam and to let go. It has been working, for the most part. I think 6 1/2 years is a reasonable amount of time to keep an old bottle of steak sauce that only one person ever used. 

We are through OOTD Walk season, and into my dread season. It honestly doesn't feel as ominous at this moment in time. There's enough going on to keep me busy, and my relationship with Adam has stabilized and feels strong. I ask for his guidance and oversight to help me with difficult situations. So far, he has not led me astray. 

I am adding this little gift that I received last weekend from a friend of Adam's named Matt W. He moved to Arizona less than a year before Adam passed, and has come back for Adam's memorial service and at least two of the Out of the Darkness Walks. His partner photoshopped this pic and had it printed on canvas, and he was kind enough to give it to me. I felt we got to talk more this past weekend and I have to say I am impressed with the friends Adam made in Springfield. To be showing up 7 years later to remember and honor Adam is something I do not take for granted. We had a delightful meal at a new restaurant in Springfield this year, and I heard a whole new batch of legendary Tut stories. It helps me every year to spend time with this bunch in Springfield. 

This was taken at the Colonade fountain on the campus of UIS.

Depression

 Depression is an ugly beast, a young sage once said. For me, depression is taking off my pajamas in the morning and thinking, "I can't wait to go back to bed tonight." It is also going to bed at 6:30 or 7:30 in the evening, instead of walking or exercising as I might when there is more daylight after work. 

I started this post over the weekend, but am feeling better now that some recent stress has passed. A fellow AFSP volunteer and I presented Talk Saves Lives last night and it went really well. There were only 3 people that attended, but that allowed for more discussion and back and forth sharing. It was also nice because we haven't presented for nearly 3 years, due to Covid and my inertia in making those connections and efforts. We got some good ideas for reaching more people with this presentation so that is pretty exciting. My goal since last July when I attended the long term survivors summit was to present a TSL at least 3 times this year and help coordinate a Youth Mental Health First Aid course for area high school coaches and athletic directors. They have a big impact on youth and I'm not sure they are all informed on current mental health issues and how to best handle today's youth. I truly believe today's youth have different needs than some coaches are used accommodating. The old school methods are still out there, and I would hate for them to find out too late that this isn't working by losing a student athlete to suicide. 

I found out last night through presenting this updated talk, that the number of suicides in 2020 dropped from 2021, and suicide dropped to the 12th cause of death from #10 the previous year. Numbers for 2021 are not out yet, but I hope this trend continues. That said, rates of depression and anxiety are increasing, so we must be vigilant. 

That's my soapbox for this morning. 

Another Walk out of Dark

 

Walking in the light. Walking for Adam. Walking for awareness and prevention of suicide. Walking to remind people they are important, and we want them here. 

The weekend was a little different, but I felt satisfied that we are reaching people with this little event. My favorite part was seeing the small groups linger after the walk and talk. Our group did this and it was a moment stretching out in a satisfying way. 

Miraculously everything gets put away and cleaned up by volunteers- friends, family, Sigma Pi guys, Sigma Lambda Gamma girls, rando's with good hearts. I walk around the building pulling on all the doors. It's time to go home. 

This year we painted rocks. Our Vick family is nicknamed "the Rocks" after a story was told years ago, so long I don't remember the story. Humph, that's funny. 

If you see some of these around town, remember, you are special. There is good in the world. I love the one that says "Self-Compassion." It's one of my favorite therapy tools.