Dad

 Tonight I was reading an article in The Atlantic about the poet Adrienne Rich. I so wanted to ask my dad what he thought of her and her poetry. You see, my dad could converse on practically any topic, but of course his specialty was English literature and the history of language. He always feared losing his mind, but he never did. We all tired of his diatribes about certain topics, and his penchant for Minneapolis (repeating the same stories over and over), but damn, I know if I brought up Ms. Rich, he would have something to say. She seemed to intersect poetry and social issues, and would have been roughly contemporary to my dad, so I really am curious what he knew and thought of her. It would be nice to have just one more conversation with him. 

Barring that, my husband made a point today about our son Eli inheriting the mind of my dad. That's a true compliment, because at his best, my dad was sharp and witty and indubitably brilliant. Eli has a gift of sacrosanct memory, that ease of synthesizing information, and a quest for knowledge my dad was famous for. And also, just as important, a humility that is absolutely genuine.  

Olympus Camera

 I was getting my old digital camera ready to give away and thought I would check to see if there were any pictures I might need on it. This one nearly sucked the wind out of me:

Here we have all the Vick grandchildren sitting on the couch on Christmas Day 2015. Adam looks so unwell. He must be less than 120 pounds on a 5'7" frame. How did I not notice? Why did I not do something different? 

Ethan is tickling Adam's head with one of those pronged scalp massagers. He looks thrilled, doesn't he? They are just sitting there unaware of the hell he was probably going through. We all were. Five weeks later he was gone. 

This has me in a funk, but that's okay. I need to remember the nights I cried myself to sleep every night. I had a dream this week where I was arguing with Adam. I didn't like it.  

                                       

Here we have Hannah tickling Ethan with Christmas presents and junk spread out on the coffee table. Adam is snarling, which he was doing in several other pictures over that holiday break.

I just finished a mother's memoir of suicide loss, I'll Write His Name on Every Beach. I will, too, Adam, I will, too. 

Whine About 2020

 I know this sounds like whining, and it is. I am grateful for the blessings of 2020 like being employed, and having a place to go outside my house. And not having to juggle kids and work and online learning. I truly don't know how I would have managed. 

But I did miss three biggies this year. The first was a workshop in April that would have made me a better therapist. That the location was somewhere I have long wanted to go (Sedona, AZ) was the icing on the cake. Well, COVID took that cake and shoved it down my throat. That conference will never be funded again for me to attend. I used some of my out of pocket flight credit, but still have $400 hanging out there to be used or refunded. Neither seem very likely. 

Next up Australia. Yes, I had tickets for Australia with my son to visit my niece in Melbourne and see whatever I could see there. Australia has stricter travel restrictions than many countries so of course a trip in June was off the table. My son got a refund, but I am still waiting to see what happened to my $1700, which I could kind of use...

The final disappointment came in July. I was invited to attend a national conference for survivors of suicide as a thank you for the volunteer work I have done for the AFSP. The exciting and exotic locale for this cancelled event was, wait for it, CLEVELAND. Yes, I missed out on a trip to Cleveland. Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which I have already been to. However, I believe I would have enjoyed and learned a great deal from meeting other SOS from across the country. 

So there you have it. I am a big complainer. Now that I have cleared that off my chest, I feel lighter and more grateful than ever. 2020 has had some sweet moments and here are a few:

THANKSgiving weekend 2020 at the labyrinth

Springfield Out of the Darkness October17, 2020

Ashleigh, Michael, Brent, Kelsey

Kallie, me, Jon, Zach,Sam

Wakullah Springs, FL outside Tallahassee, January 2020

Can you believe I've been to Florida three times in 2020?

Crazy!!