O to 60

I'm not talking about power train speed, I'm talking my lifespan so far. Although sometimes it feels like I got here in accelerated time, and I am still that little girl with her nose in a book. 

60 is just 15 times 4, right? Interesting way to look back on my life that occurred to me today. 

0-15 forming my identity. I thought of myself as a pretty, book worm-y, fairly popular band kid. Quiet, an introvert, smart. 

15-30 whoa, those are some crazy years. I drank a lot, got married twice, divorced once and became a mom. I suppose I could say I laid the stage for some better years ahead. My identity was pretty shaky in this time frame. 

30-45 a move back to my hometown, parents nearby and raising 3 boys in small town mid-America. Working and just surviving, fixing up my old childhood home. I am still an introvert but craved social interaction. I quit drinking and saved my liver many years of toil. A wife and mother contained my identity. 

45-60 going back to school, focusing on career, building a solid work record when, bam out of nowhere, we lost Adam. All the boys were out of the house, graduated from college or close, bills were paid, we thought we made it. My identity became the face of suicide awareness and prevention, mental health and wellness. Eli and Cal thrived, got married, moved, and overcame the loss of their big brother. We all adapted in our own ways, but we stuck together and I felt the true strength of family, as I never have before. 

60-75 what will this period bring? My hope is to grow more peaceful, be more present, compassionate towards myself and others, and continue to live with purpose. I am certain I can handle whatever life hands me. I have realized my true strength.

Walk Season

 Out of the Darkness Walk season ended yesterday on a wonderful note. My heart is full of gratitude and amazement of the group that gathered in Springfield for Adam and suicide prevention. Our very own Team Tut ranked 5th in fundraising for the entire walk garnering us a shout out and our own whoop back. The synchronicity that the Walk has moved to the UIS campus where Adam attended from 2008-11 and met these incredible friends is not lost on me. Here we are minus our photographer Laura:

This was our largest group yet (25).   

The day started with me driving Adam's Uncle Kevin from Macomb to Springfield. He left Omaha at 2:00 a.m. to be here for this event. He has also attended several Macomb Walks in past years. We had convivial and pleasant chat; he cares and feels deeply. Tae and his delightful girlfriend Allison surprised everyone by driving in from Chicago. It was great to see him again. Jon has relocated to the Nashville area and drove up. That's some effort! I met Brittany and Laura for the first time, and Matt brought his fiancé Jillian all the way from Arizona. Could it get any better? Kallie and Brent arrived and a contingent of 8 from Edwardsville. Sarah came from Indiana once again. She's such a caring soul. A few friends still live in Springfield, but Zach was away for work and missed for the first time in 8 years. 

Adam, Sarah, Stephanie

It's something to see these kids adulting. 7 years ago they were starting careers and navigating relationships. Now they are successful adults in all areas. I love what they are doing and how they pick up where they left off with easy camaraderie. 

I had seen many pictures of Brittany with Adam, but we had never met. Laura lived in the apartments and was honing her photography skills in college. She eventually completed her MBA and has her own photography business. She told me she envied Adam's intellect and ability to put off school work and studying until the last minute then stay up for 24 hours and produce something "brilliant." Someone told me the picture below was taken by someone who had skills at UIS, so I'm pretty sure it was Laura:

Laura (first row, far right) got in the last picture when a random stranger offered to snap a shot:

Iconic monolith at UIS campus in background. Thanks for setting this up, Laura.

Brittany and Adam circa 2009

After the Walk, we go to a restaurant for fellowship, food and libations. I enjoy being in the position to pay the bill for everyone each year. I don't get to spend on money on Adam anymore, and we are fortunate to be doing well enough to treat everyone who shows up. 

Motorheads Route 66

Signs

Kevin got into Macomb in time to spend some moments alone at the labyrinth. He told me as he sat down on Adam's bench, his car alarm went off and he thought it was surely a sign from Adam and his mom, Colleen, Adam's beloved paternal grandmother. 

Springfield, IL Adam and Uncle Kevin

Aunt Betsy wasn't able to make it. She represented and accompanied my mom cross country to attend my niece Laura's wedding. Interestingly, as they were driving to the wedding at 3:20 Eastern time, just as we were completing our Walk in Springfield, she looked up to see Tuttle Road, a sign she easily could have missed, but didn't. 

Walk season is my favorite season of this journey in losing a child. It fills me with love and hope that so many support me, Adam, and this cause. I can do something to honor Adam and the lives he touched.