Adventure

It's interesting to me how brains work. Mine anyway. I've been dealing with First World problems and not only getting frustrated, but anxious and unhappy. 

You see, the snow cancelled our flight to Florida (waa wa wa ). Maybe I should have been able to re-book an earlier flight?, which a. I don't think there was one and b. I was convinced if I did the storm would have come early. Wonderfully my agent, thank god I gave up trying to do this myself, got us re-booked in time to see Boy/Man 28 play in a professional symphony on Sunday. I had hotels to cancel and re-book, plans to adjust, and double the drive time to the airport, each way. And oh, yeah, we're flying in 2.5 hours away from where we are going. Then I decide to worry that I booked skanky motels and we'll get bed bugs. 

Then suddenly last night while reading, my brain got happy and excited. It literally flipped on. Then it was gone again, and I started perseverating on problems. Then I consciously wanted to get my happy back, and I told myself, "You're going on an Adventure." It's different than you planned, but damn girl, you are one lucky SOB. 

This I call "walking the walk." In my line of work I suggest all the time that changing your thoughts can change your emotions. Don't read this as 'you can change your thoughts and emotions all the time.' I have many other internal dialogues and methods for overcoming unwanted states of mind, but this one happened to work in this situation. I think I had to have a little time, too, to readjust what I thought was going to happen and accept the new circumstances. Maybe this happens in the 2nd and 3rd World as well. 

Pieces

 Everyone who ever knew or met Adam has a piece of him. This occurred to me walking on the Y track today when I encountered a retired janitor from the high school, who interacted with every single kid who set foot in MHS. What a good heart. I can tell by Facebook posts he treats and supports every kid equally, whether they had money, nice clothes, or different color skin than he. He has a piece of Adam but he didn't share. I get it, it's hard to talk to someone about their dead child (among other things, it makes you think 'what if I lost my child?' 'what if I cry', and yes, I've been on the other side, pre-2/2/16), and honestly, today I would have burst into tears if he did; just thinking what he "could" say had me tearing up. People can't stand it when a grieving parent cries; they absolutely don't know what to do. Unless they've been there, too.

I have gotten many valuable pieces of Adam from different people and damn, am I grateful. Those mean more to me than any "I'm sorry" ever will. Sorry, not sorry; I do appreciate the sorrys, but I hunger for the stories and bits and pieces, even if they are unflattering. 

The last thing I want is a false story, made up to make me feel better. Sometimes I sniff those out, but I can never be sure. People are so multi-faceted that maybe some impressions that don't ring true, are true. The hardest to believe are things like "he loved you so much," "he talked about you," and "he really looked forward to seeing you." Maybe those are true, but him saying that to someone else?? Hard to picture. I'm just being honest. 

And so I wait for the next nugget to drop. I'd like to ask, but don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I'll let you know what I hear, and you can decide if it's true or not. 

2-2-22

 It's hard to even put words to today. I just gut it out. I thought I would post Adam's memorial video but I couldn't find it. All these things don't really matter, if I have them, if I don't. 

Walking the line of remembrance, public acknowledgement and not wanting to appear as attention seeking. 

It's a big snow day (for Illinois). Adam loved being outside and playing in the snow in Western New York and Macomb. All the kids would bundle up and meet outside with sleds and shovels and start making snow forts or dragging each other around on the sleds. On special days, it's off to the sledding hill (Pat, you're the best!). I hope all the kids get to do that today. Scratch cookies and hot chocolate afterwards. A perfect day.