Into the Light

I wanted to share a few pics and thoughts on this year's Out of the Darkness Walk in Macomb. Team Tut For Adam came through big time with $3205 in donations and this beautiful group of Walkers:

We had Uncle Kevin Tuttle from Nebraska, Macomb and Normal friends of Cal, Betsy and Ethan from Indiana and a few of Adam's homies from Macombie.

I started the day at 4:00 a.m. with zealous, nervous energy, and everything was smooth as milk honey. *I've never had milk honey if there even is such a thing* So many volunteers and community members showed up to support suicide prevention and loss survivors. It's such a beautiful thing every year, no matter the weather, which was just dandy I am happy to report. This is one of my favorite images- Sigma Pi fraternity has come through 100% for 4 years in a row. I made some signs and here they are at the busiest corner in Macomb:

Note to Dad: "Hal" (aka my computer) won't let me re-post Instagram pictures. Let me mess around with my phone a minute...

OK, Instagram no like play with friends...go to outofthedarknessmacomb to see some pretty cool pics. We even have a social media influencer who volunteers with us so we can be like the cool kids.

I just foiled the system. I took a picture with my phone of my Ipad on Instagram, saved it to Facebook, and downloaded it to my desktop and pasted it above. Ha!

I saw many old friends and acquaintances affected by suicide, some talking aloud and maybe some in silence, but when we all share, the pain is lessened. I am hopeful, thankful and inspired by this work. I'll leave you with this beauty from a special friend, Xochi:

Quote

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”

― Einstein

If it's good enough for Einstein, it's good enough for me.  Had another mystical conversation with a confirmed Catholic. She turned me onto this insight. 

Pride and Joy

I don't hear "Africa" the way I did the first two years after Adam died. The signs were there, but now I am sure he's here with me. Communication is more direct. If millions of people believe in a God/Allah/Jehovah they can't see, why can't what I am experiencing be real?

This artist was recommended to me, and I first listened to her at work while I was writing notes, etc. This song came on, and I started silently weeping. I left my door open until it turned to audible sobs. I continued to listen at home, looking up the lyrics I couldn't understand. It can go both ways, but I felt stronger that I was asking Adam if I made him proud and he came back with "I'm proud of you, Mama. I wanted to be like you."

I found this live performance at Red Rocks which would be meaningful to Adam, since he was born in Denver and was very proud of that fact. It also shows the spirit of Brandi and her band.

Pause

In the hustle bustle of my busy lifestyle, and believe me, the busier I am the happier, it seems, I have not been writing as much. I am sad to see summer go, though the air is softer and the light gentler somehow.

Writing slows me down, and I've been going full tilt with organizing the Out of the Darkness Walk, taking a ceramics class, and Marie Kondo-ing the house again. On the up side, my meditation practice is improving and many exciting things have happened in my internal world as a result.

It started with a visit to Cedar Rapids and my appointment with an intuitive medium. I really don't want to go into the details, but my belief in an afterlife and other dimensions is increased. I learned about my spirit guides and have identified three: Adam, my maternal grandmother Esther, and a special friend Kelley who I feel a special bond with. I have connected with all three and received messages that I need to be bolder in the world, softer with my mother, and open to their guidance. I know that's a little woo-woo, but I am drawn more and more to people and things that are in touch with a greater good, another level, more creative ways of being.

Through the experience of suicide loss, just yesterday I met a woman who was visited by her deceased sister. I enjoyed her perspective, and it is these kind of connections that make the loss of Adam more bearable.

The most important thing meditation has taught me lately is being grateful for the pause I am able to take, which allows me to be open to guidance and clarity in my life. Writing is a necessary and satisfying part of that.