Corn

 I'm getting ready to flash freeze some broccoli and guess what I thought of? Late summer 2015, we had some extra fresh corn we couldn't eat. I shaved it off the cob, and froze several bags of it. Pat never liked frozen corn, but Adam did. 

On the third to last time I saw him, sometime in October, I prepared steaks (and A1, which I kept around for almost a decade) and that frozen corn. I think he liked it but that part is not clear. 

We engaged in a way that was not typical. Adam and I got through a difficult conversation and ended with a hug. That was one of a few signs that little boy I loved for almost 4 years before anyone else came into the picture, was connected to me. Thank God for that. 

Pat and I are reminiscing about all the good all times. It's good. 

All Saints and All Souls Day

Today is as the title indicates. I went to the cemetery, and it was cloudy and gloomy out. I feel like that is November to a T. I had a nice walk about anyway. Tomorrow is Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). I will bring my ofrenda, or not. We'll see. 

I've been running around all day, but sat to watch a football game with my 5th grade teacher. She pretty much talked the whole time, and wasn't familiar with the Mute button, so there was hearing problems and yelling above the TV. I enjoyed it despite how that just sounded. She's a wonderful person who I have really fond memories of. It's cool to befriend your teacher in our later years. I know she appreciates that I spend time with her and that feeds my soul.

So, I sat down to my laptop at 3:45ish, and I get a pop-up picture of Adam looking right at the camera, close up. I clicked on it and "One Drive" made a 3 picture video of a day I spent with Adam in Springfield. If I had a half a brain, or knew how to use AI, I would include it right here. The one of us together in his apartment we both look happy (I don't know who took the picture, probably Ashleigh). The music was sweet and I watched it a half dozen times. I didn't all out cry, but I wondered why he had to go. Where he would be today if he stayed. How it's not fair. Today is also his father's birthday. He won't answer any outreach I make. 

This isn't the video, but is the picture of us.

2025

 2025 has been a blur, a frenetic blur, but a good blur. It's definitely the year of AI. I have used AI barely,  and I have to admit it did a fine job of improving my writing. I just don't care to sound not like me, too perfect. 

This year I saw Adam's roommate Ashleigh get married. I got a few notes from friends of Adam like this:

      I've never seen a face like yours heard a laugh like yours or seen a smile so overwhelmingly         contagious. but i never need to again- because you are a once in a lifetime person, that this         world will mourn forever. love and miss you, adam ♥️

This year is hitting different. Fall of 2025 makes 10 years of "last times." Last time I saw Adam, hugged/talked to/made a sandwich for/gave a gift to/argued with for 10 years. He has missed so much, not the least of which being his own personal growth. I like to think he is free of turmoil and is living his best life out there. No need to worry about growth, because regardless of what happens, the earth-bound troubles will be gone. I'm pretty sure of that. 

Whenever I think about giving up organizing the local Out of the Darkness Walk, in pops, "It's the least I can do to honor Adam's incredible life." 

New Year, New Me

 Not really, I'm just kidding. I'm trying to read 50 books this year, so if I'm not blogging that's what I'm doing. 

Here's to 2025!

A1

 Sometimes when I'm working or talking with someone more newly bereaved than me, I'm afraid I come off as callous or unfeeling when I don't cry or show emotion. I'm typically not that emotional anyway, but they may not know that. 

They don't know the silent ways I think about and remember Adam everyday. They don't know I had a bottle of  A1 sauce in my refrigerator for 8 years that was last used by Adam. It finally got tossed sometime this past year. I wear his McCoy jersey on game day. They don't know the watch on my left wrist was worn by Adam in our last family picture. It is on its second wristband and 3rd or so battery and still working great. He had good taste in the material things :) I give his headstone a pat each time I walk through the cemetery, at least weekly, and I walk 27 laps at the Y.  

I feel lucky that I was able to make all the decisions about his memorial service, every song and speaker, the time and place. I produced the slide show which kept me occupied the first few days. I have a few regrets, one being that we didn't invite his friends from Springfield back to our house after the service. I console myself with the belief they needed their own time to be together and grieve in their own way (gathering at Rocky's Bar and Grill, somewhere they had shared past good times and apparently shots of Crown). I'm blessed to spend time with them each fall at the Springfield Out of the Darkness Walk. 

We're all on our own journey and deep down I don't think I am being judged for my actions, reactions, and outward appearance in the wake of losing Adam. Everyone seems to have given me grace, and I am just glad that I am someone people feel they can talk to in their deepest sorrow. That alone is a great honor. 

Skies

 I am thankful to have been out before sunrise today and looked up to see a clear sky. The Little Dipper was right there. Sometimes I have trouble finding it. I looked for the Big Dipper, but couldn't find it. I walked a bit further, looked up, and there it was, the Big Dipper. Next time I gazed skyward, all clouds. Finally daybreak. Too many buildings and trees to see the sun, but I know it is there. Just like everyday. 

Adam, I love you clear past the twinkle stars. You inspire and guide me everyday.

May the Fourth

 

Yesterday brought this mama's heart joy. You see, we were invited to the wedding of a friend of Adam's from college, Matt. It was a Star Wars theme, though not over the top in this regard. Pat agreed to accompany me and meet most of Adam's college friends for the first time. I was a little nervous knowing there was a lot of built in unstructured time where we would need to socialize. I wasn't sure how much we would have to talk about, but turns out we had a wonderful time. There were around 50 people there and that gave us an opportunity to talk to everyone in a leisurely way. 

If I said I didn't know any of these friends before Adam's death it wouldn't be an understatement. We have gotten to know each other over the course of eight years of Out of the Darkness Walks in Springfield where we have fellowshipped over a meal following the afternoon Walk. In the picture above, front row, we have Jon, me, Matt's aunt Jayne, Sarah, Zach, and Sam. The back row is Tae, Brent and groom Matt.

Everyone was so open and friendly and willing to talk about Adam. We also caught up on their personal lives, and it was just easy and comfortable. Perhaps most impressive was Matt's family, who all personally talked to me about their connection to Adam and suicide. His parents are just the warmest, most genuine people. Matt privately told me that had Adam been here, he would have been his best man. 

To know Adam's impact on their lives, and the depth they have brought to my life, gives me incredible peace. The photo above is one of the University of Illinois Springfield gang, who have maintained strong bonds for many, many years. They insisted, and I mean insisted that I be in the UIS pictures to represent Adam. Of course, I would give anything for him to have had this moment, but sometimes life doesn't work that way. 

I am grateful and filled with love clear past the twinkle stars today. I hope my best boy would be proud of me as I am of him.