A1

 Sometimes when I'm working or talking with someone more newly bereaved than me, I'm afraid I come off as callous or unfeeling when I don't cry or show emotion. I'm typically not that emotional anyway, but they may not know that. 

They don't know the silent ways I think about and remember Adam everyday. They don't know I had a bottle of  A1 sauce in my refrigerator for 8 years that was last used by Adam. It finally got tossed sometime this past year. I wear his McCoy jersey on game day. They don't know the watch on my left wrist was worn by Adam in our last family picture. It is on its second wristband and 3rd or so battery and still working great. He had good taste in the material things :) I give his headstone a pat each time I walk through the cemetery, at least weekly, and I walk 27 laps at the Y.  

I feel lucky that I was able to make all the decisions about his memorial service, every song and speaker, the time and place. I produced the slide show which kept me occupied the first few days. I have a few regrets, one being that we didn't invite his friends from Springfield back to our house after the service. I console myself with the belief they needed their own time to be together and grieve in their own way (gathering at Rocky's Bar and Grill, somewhere they had shared past good times and apparently shots of Crown). I'm blessed to spend time with them each fall at the Springfield Out of the Darkness Walk. 

We're all on our own journey and deep down I don't think I am being judged for my actions, reactions, and outward appearance in the wake of losing Adam. Everyone seems to have given me grace, and I am just glad that I am someone people feel they can talk to in their deepest sorrow. That alone is a great honor.