Thursday, December 30, 2021

New Year New Me

 We've heard this one before. Reflections of 2021, Resolutions 2022. It's that time of year, between Christmas and New Year's when we get our collective shit together. 

This morning I am pleased to report I swam laps for the first time in nearly two years. The water was surprisingly warm, could not have been happier about that. I realized I had nearly forgotten the 12 Steps. This is the mantra I use to swim 25 laps, one step per lap, forwards and backwards, with the ending of How it Works during the 13th lap. I couldn't remember the 1st step. I got the second step and regained my old rhythm. After the 4th lap, the flow is on, it's not a struggle. My breath is like a fish. As easy as walking...though my arm strength is a bit low. The 11th step is my favorite. I like the number 11, and Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out is a beautiful sentiment to rise to. I use the last bit in prayer quite often. 

On the way down from 12, I did recall the 1st step: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. I came to this conclusion in 1999 and have not looked back. While others drink around me much of the time, I remind myself that alcohol wouldn't add anything to my life that I truly desire and may destroy some things I treasure, namely my mental health. 

My hope is to swim a couple of times a week. It felt good and right and I've missed it. I probably need to touch in with my program, too, as my swim today pointed out. 

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Mouse Stirring

 Yes, this  mouse is stirring again. Christmas morning, way morning. 2021. The year that followed the Covid year, that became another Covid year. 

My thoughts go to and have been going to, finishing our 6th year without Adam. As the material things that connected me to Adam break down, give out, or are consumed (believe it or not, I still have tea from Adam; if you know me, you will surely believe it), I feel myself moving into an inevitable new phase. That distant one of the mother who has lost her child and doesn't break down when talking about their person for the first time with someone.  The one where people look at her and barely remember she is a suicide loss survivor, as she has so visibly moved on. The one where I creep closer to the point where I will find out if there is an afterlife where we are reunited (in a natural way, of course).

I don't know, it's weird to think I will possibly be one of those moms who lives long enough to be without Adam as long as I lived with Adam. If you do the math, this assumes a realistic estimate (both my parents lived past 79 years of age). 

This insomnia reminds me of Adam. If he were here for Christmas, he would be prowling around, socks on the living room floor, remnants of a snack in the kitchen. We could meet for a chat, rather than meeting in a blog filled with all my feelings and musings. 

I appreciate every reminder of my best boy: the watch on my wrist, the memory shared that includes Adam, a picture trapped in time, friend or family speaking his name, and every question about how I am doing now. Honestly, I don't get that last one much, and that's okay. I'm not sure how to answer it anyway. 

Sunday, November 28, 2021

God's Paintbrush

 Driving home from Rock Island after dropping off Cal and A, there was before me what I can only describe as one of the most gorgeous yet desolate, 180 degree sunsets that central Illinois has to offer. There were many jet trails across the sky, reportedly being the busiest travel day of the year. To say I was sad, just touches the tip of it. I had driven close to the Bed and Breakfast Pat and I stayed at on December 26, 2015, the last day we saw Adam. The last good-bye we didn't know would be forever. Just that sombered my heart. It wasn't a hard cry or even a soft cry, just a heaviness. And I know I just made up a new verb. 

I felt sad retracing the road I had just traveled with Cal and A. It seemed like a month had gone by since I picked up Cal at the airport and we had lunch at the Maple City Diner. It was only a week. 

We had a nice Thanksgiving week, with plenty of company. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't like having my house back. I'm happy to see 'em come and happy to see 'em go, well, sort of. Today not so much. 

How can there be a new Covid variant, racial injustice, mental health crises, war, ugliness and hate in a world that is simultaneously so beautiful? We are back to the ruthless furnace of this BRUT-iful world. See blog of 8/22/21.


I did stop to snap this pic, of course it doesn't do the scene justice

Monday, November 01, 2021

Labyrinth Walk

 


This is not what the labyrinth looked like on Halloween. I was mentioning how cool it was last spring when recently burned. This picture was taken March 1, 2021 (my birthday). Yesterday, Halloween, the grasses were well over my head, and only a little falling over the path. The labyrinth is sturdy, isn't it? When the wind knocked them down in September, they stood back up. Ahh, nature, it never disappoints, does it?

This walk was special. This walk was led by M, an 18 year survivor mom, me, a 5+ year survivor mom, and T, a 1.1 year survivor mom. This is my support group, this is where it's okay to be the me nobody sees, not even my family. We can say or ask anything. Two hours passed in the blink of any eye. T led the way out, followed by me, then M. Another two hours in a coffee shop. 

What we shared was private, cleansing, validating, and needed. I didn't know I needed it, but heading into winter, holidays, and the inevitable approach of February 2, I did. There's someone I want to reach out to. I don't know how it will go, but I need to try. My old and new friend reminded that there is nothing like sharing this heavy burden with someone who knows. 

Sunday, October 24, 2021

On Phones, Social Media, etc.

 At 4:30 a.m. I shut off my phone for 24 hours. I realized yesterday (not for the first time) what a time and energy sucker phones are. My FOMO (fear of missing out) gets worse the more I scroll. I pick up my phone for no reason, or some reason I can't remember. It seems we don't think any more. We just look everything up- a recipe, a name, a location, a definition. 

We are never bored, although my phone is exceedingly boring. What I mean is, waiting time is no longer used to think, create, dream. It's scroll, scroll, scroll. I remember the days when waiting in line was an opportunity to talk, to make up games (who can hold their arm up the longest?), or look up and see a stranger or old acquaintance one could have small talk with. Once when we were waiting hours for the Boston Pops to play, we sat on a blanket and played a made up game of Password. When we were bored in church we passed notes back and forth. 

So, it is time for a break. I will talk to my sister on my mother's landline, I have access to a laptop, and anyone who needs me can stop by or call Pat if there is anything urgent. Today is my day to live like the good old 90's, even though I didn't get a smart phone until 2019. I will read, write, create, and watch the rain pour down. It will be lovely. 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

The Kids

 These kids...they are friends of my kid, so I will always think of them as kids. Their average age is probably 32. This is our 6th Out of the Darkness Walk in Springfield together, and it means so much to me. The only one I met briefly before Adam died is Tara, from Macomb. 

The others met Adam at the same time and place, University of Illinois at Springfield anywhere from 2008-2011. I should say this year, technically, three of the guys are friends of Ashleigh and didn't know Adam, but support the cause of suicide prevention. I am watching them grow into full-fledged adults. It's pretty awesome, except for the fact that Adam isn't here to be growing and maturing with them. I am here, hanging onto the fragments of my son they can share with me. Sometimes it feels like they are saying things to make me feel better, and sometimes they are brutally honest about his issues. Most of the time, they are just remembering the good and funny times they had in college and the few years after. The dive bars and the dive dwellings, the tattoos and the tacos, the jobs and jams they got in. I want to know it all, but it's best not to push. 

These "kids," friends of Adam's and now mine; they are partnering up, buying houses, getting married, making career moves, having babies, extolling the virtues of Insta-Pots and Air Fryers. I can't help but wonder where he would be in life some five and a half years later. I am happy for them, of course, and  it's not a fake sense of wonder listening to them talk about the past, present, and future. That's what they are supposed to do. 

This year more than ever I wonder how long this reunion will continue. I love that they take time out of their lives to walk for Adam and others who succumbed to the darkness. And so we shared a walk, some darts, and a meal, and the fellowship was good for my soul. Thank you friends, for being there for Adam and this old lady.


Back row: Zach, Sam, Ludwig (Nick), Eli

Front row: Jon, Tara, me, Ashleigh, Michael

Friday, October 15, 2021

Old Dog, Old Tricks

 I am sitting here at now 2:00 a.m. trying to figure out how to add new blogs to My Favorite Blogs gadget. Wow, probably 45 minutes later, I got them added. Welcome new blogs and let me tell you a little about them.

Woods Writes is a new survivor Mom I met through the Out of the Darkness Walk. One of the best parts of doing these walks is finding others to connect with who have been through this experience of suicide loss, especially other moms. She just so happens to be a fantastic writer (I'm secretly-not so secretly now-Jealous). Her essay on the Labyrinth is so powerful and represents all we hoped the labyrinth at Lakeview would become. Please have a look and you will learn what strength looks like. Stepping into the world each day after your world has fallen apart. 

My Cyborg Life is written by my husband's nephew Kevin. I'm not sure I've ever met him. He lives somewhere out West but is originally from the Western New York area where my husband grew up. Kevin was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2014, at a young age. I'm not sure how young, but way too young to be given a diagnosis of this magnitude. Kevin is also a great writer, and obviously a fighter, too! 

I have to posit that writing helps heal and process devastating situations. I know it is true for me, and for them. Putting it out in public is cathartic in a way I can't explain. Even if no one reads it, they could. It's a running dialogue with yourself you can look back on and see your growth. It's a document stored in the Cloud forever for whoever wants to find it. Maybe a great great grandchild or a future president or a random stranger who needs to hear it. 

I guess you know who the Old Dog is, and the Old Tricks refers to knowing I have edited my blog list before but it might as well have been changed to Sanskrit, with how much trouble I had figuring it out. 

Sunday, October 10, 2021

LLKT

 I've noticed over time, I talk (write, post) less about my personal story and more about mental health and ending suicide stigma. I think that's a good, natural thing. But I don't want you to think I don't think about my son every single day and many times a day. For some reason, I was focusing on a gap in his teeth when we had a tooth pulled in Lockport, NY and never got it fixed. A tiny scar below his eye where a cyst was removed. My husband recently found a picture of Adam and me I don't remember seeing before. It was apparently taken on his old Kindle and popped up when he got his new Kindle. What a wonderful surprise technology has given us. Used to be you would find an old picture in a shoebox or something...



Cal sent me a sand castle picture he made today honoring Adam. He never ceases to amaze me with carrying on the legacy of King Tut (LLKT=Long Live King Tut).



I had a couple of notions about my dad the last couple of days. Oh, how he worried about the national debt. When we went to see the new James Bond movie, I thought about how he loved explosions, and judged a movie by how many and how big the explosions were. Not car chases, intellectual intercourse, or good music: explosions. 

Life is good. 

Tuesday, October 05, 2021

Poor Blog

 I have been so busy coordinating the Out of the Darkness Walk, amazing event, perfect weather, beautiful souls all around, I have neglected this here blog. After figuring out how to sign back in on this laptop, o woe is me, I only have 10 minutes to write this. That should be easy, since I don't have any ideas for a blog.

Know that you are loved, you are so worth it, you are making a difference in what you do without even thinking about it. It's time to plan my next visit with my dear friend, Michele. I met Michele when I was first grieving. She was and is an inspiration. She lost Cayne, her only child, in the early 2000's, but we have so many commonalities. We really connected. She is a talented artist, who used art to express her grief, and now continues to make art an essential part of her life. She inspires me to pursue my dreams and live a full life. I can't wait to see her again. 

I have been working on my book, Letters to my Family, and have about 40 pages so far. It's slow but I will get there. That has distracted me from this blog as well. 

My minutes are running out. It is a tight schedule on work days, but that's how I like it. I have made time for an extended morning routine and it gets my day started well. With that I will leave you with a wish for peace and tranquility today and always.

Namaste. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Call of Duty

 A blog was rattling around in my head with this title. Now I can't for the life of me remember what it was supposed to be about. It was not about a video game, I know that. Seems like my brain is a sieve anymore. Something my dad started saying when he was probably in his forties. 

What the heck? My stock trading career is over. I started an online account in 2015, and just cashed it out this weekend. My big winner was my first buy: Nvidia. They do gaming chips and technology including that used in self-driving cars. I made a big investment (for me) of $2000 when it was selling for $22 a share. I sold half at $62 and half at $108 per share and paid the boys college tuition, also a good investment. Nvidia is now trading at $221 a share. If you do the math, and I had held out that $2000 would be nearly 20 grand now. Everything else I bought was a loss or small gain. My foray into the cannabis market didn't do much. I'm sure someone is making money there, though. 

Well this is going nowhere, and it's now 2:07 a.m. 

Saturday, September 04, 2021

Italian Ristorante

 Not too often I'm inspired to write a restaurant review, but I gotta tell you about Rizzi's in Peoria.

It's a small, hole in the wall, in a generic plaza on North Sheridan. Next door to Jeffrey Allen's, not a bad hobby store, I might add. My mom and I had some Chinese art framed there and the clerk recommended it a few weeks ago. It was closed for lunch, and we had Indian cuisine on our minds then anyway. 

Back to pick up the art last evening, Pat secured us a table and lucky he did. The place was packed, and clearly a favorite of Italian patrons. Our clerk at Jeffrey Allen's had told us it was started by a gentleman from Italy, whose sons now run the joint. 

I was hoping for fresh gnocchi. But alas, it was not on the menu. It took about two seconds to decide on Butternut Squash Ravioli with sun dried tomatoes, leeks and yada yada. Pat had the Lobster Ravioli (great choice, but extremely rich), and Mom had the Tortellini with Steak. 

First, let me say, the hostess was the sweetest and Pat and I both wanted to offer our youngest son her hand in marriage. Second, the bread was fresh but "meh" but the olive oil was to die for. Garlic infused, must have been the most tender Virgin on the planet. Yums. 

Pat had ordered Mom merlot, but she wanted Chiante (wow, I did not know how to spell that, thanks Google). She deemed it "not authentic, too sweet." She knows, based on some experience in the 70's. 

Salads were fresh, green and with a choice of three homemade dressings and optional blue cheese crumbles. The vinaigrette with crumbles was the perfect choice for me. Each bite better than the last. Sweet French Sesame was also tasty, by report. 

All the pasta dishes had different distinct sauces. Mom's was meaty and hearty, the steak tender. Pat's was creamy and rich, and mine was broth based but delicious. I started thinking about dessert immediately since my meal was so abstemious. Had most of my entrée boxed, leaving plenty of room for any of the choices. 

How to choose between Crème Brule, Tiramisu, cheesecake, and get this-----Spumoni!! I have not seen Spumoni on a menu for 30, make that 40 years. I couldn't believe it. I had to have it, even at $8! Pretty sure the last time I had it was in Des Moines in the 80's. I thought it was so elegant and the perfect cap to a classy Italian meal. Now, it sounds so dated, old school.   

Now here comes my Spumoni. Wait, it's a dark chocolate ball scored in quarters with a very large scoop inside- cherry, pistachio, and chocolate ice cream. Pat called it "Fake chocolate"  and "Sherbet" and chortled as he ate his whole piece of cheesecake, which he previously offered me half of. Back to Wikipedia, because this Spumoni did not taste like I remembered. I knew it wasn't anything like sherbet, and it was probably a very expensive dark chocolate. I just don't like cold waxy chocolate. Spumoni is molded gelato, a lower fat version of ice cream (win win). I seem to remember bits or chunks in the mix, possibly peppermint? This reminded me of Neapolitan ice cream, and rather blah at that. Indeed, it is supposed to have bits of fruit or nuts, and this did not. 

A note on the service: swift, professional, attentive but in no way annoying. 4.5 stars from me, for the  absence of gnocchi and the so-so Spumoni. 


Sunday, August 22, 2021

A Brutiful World

 As my fabulous and brilliant niece Dawn reminded me this week, quoting Glennon Doyle, life is Brute-iful, brutal and beautiful. I can attest to this. One minute something horrible happens, the next we are laughing or gaping at the beauty in the world. 

Liz Gilbert talks about a quote by Jack Gilbert (I'm assuming her father): We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. She says (I'm just going to quote her, since she says it best), "it doesn't deny the existence of suffering: it doesn't deny that the world is a ruthless furnace. But there is a fierce insistence on staying awake and staying afloat in the midst of that, that I go back to again and again." 

I found this passage just before starting my 8 week creativity workshop "Gifts From the Soul." It was accompanied by a picture of a nature Mandala, which I was planning to have the group make on Week 1. It was the first instance of synchronicity, a concept we explored in class as not an accidental occurrence but a divinely placed reminder of the order of the world. Yes, I just made that up. 

My most recent synchronous moment was Saturday morning yoga accompanied by Tony Bennett after Pat and I had just talked about Tony Bennett the night before. I was moved to tears at the end of yoga (possibly due to all the hip and heart openers we focused on) by a duet of Blue Velvet by Tony and k.d. lang. Yes, it was that beautiful. 

We must remain hopeful and open if we are to do any good in this world, and there is room for plenty of that. So keep your hips and hearts open, and you will find the most wonderful treasures right in front of your eyes, ears, noses, fingers, and tongues. Trust me on that. 

Friday, August 13, 2021

Visit to a Psychic

 You know when you really get your hopes up and can’t wait to do something, and then it falls short? That’s the deal with Cal’s and my reading with Vicki on July 3rd. I do want to say, though, I’m glad we went, it had some value, and we enjoyed our time together. So, if I sound negative, that was not my overall feeling.

Why were my hopes so high? Previous experience with psychics/mediums has been good or great. This woman was highly recommended by a friend of Adam’s where he came through crystal clear for her. And the setting was Gibson City, the town where Cal did his student teaching the fall after Adam’s death. His supervising teacher, Robbie, lost his brother, Adam, to suicide that Labor Day weekend. That’s too many coincidences to not have meaning. We were going to lunch with Robbie after our visit with Vicki so that was just a great topper to the day. I feel I went with a really open mind and heart.

Adam’s friend T. had told me about the gestures that Vicki channeled (she called it something else, mimicking maybe- she would say “he’s doing this” and then copy it). Vicki started our session with clutching her heart, the same thing she did for T. This was my dad who passed in 2020. Most of the session was spent there, I cynically believe because she thought that’s why we came. She asked if our maintenance lights were coming on (no), and said he had travelled with us to Gibson City that morning. She asked if we were discussing a big decision for Cal. We said no, but in retrospect it could have been that we talked about Cal getting his Master’s degree at some point in the future. She indicated my dad would weigh in on this, and he definitely would encourage that for Cal.

She described my dad as having “spunk,” not a word I would associate with him. She gestured him snapping his suspenders (a hard no, though he did wear red suspenders when dressing up). She said he was appearing about 45 years old in the prime of life and had a full head of hair, like he had lost it in his old age. Okay, this was the same scenario she told T. about her dad, minus the hair, but my dad never lost his hair. Cal and I just looked at each other like, “What??” She said he blew us a kiss (this came up for T., too) which my dad would never do. When we looked appalled she goes, “Yeah, it’s awkward for him, but he did it.” She said something about him eating a cheeseburger (not something he loved or ever really ate), and a dog. Absolutely not. My dad never had a dog, never ate a dog, and in fact hated dogs.

Next, she went on this whole thing about his mother, as if this was some special grandma to me. She said I had or would be getting something special from her.* I said probably not. She asked if I could smell her special cooking. This grandma was not a good cook, and I don’t remember anything special about her cooking except she made fudge out of mashed potatoes once.

Some things that rang true for my dad, although for most 88 year old grandfathers, yes? He was so proud of Cal and his sports (Cal was wearing sports gear), he was afraid of getting Alzheimer’s, Cal is better in sports than he was, Grandma shuffles her feet and he worries about her falling, and did I have something special in his writing? Yes, a visible tattoo. We talked about the cardinal being my dad’s sign from the other side. She said spirits don’t enter the animal but can control what they do. I told her about the cardinal in the road on Betsy’s and my way to the lake. She said he’s not very good at it yet, and he’s glad we didn’t hit it.

More spot off comments: he gestured with Popeye arms, that he would leave money in books, watch for a tree limb over the house. These were also things she told T. or pretty darn close. She said he dressed really nice and had lots of shoes. Not my dad at all.

Cal enjoyed a tangent Vicki went on about Cal and Gramps having a past life together, brothers perhaps. She felt like Cal was a Prince. She was seeing a Norse guide or something in Scandinavia. She said Dad would throw us coins. She did say Dad and Cal had a special relationship and that made him feel good. She said Gramps kept holding up two fingers together. I’ve never seen my dad do that.

Finally, after a long time she goes, “Is there anyone else you want to hear from?” after telling us in the beginning the room was full of people. We explained about our son/brother’s death by suicide. She kept seeing an Rx bottle, same as T. I endorsed that there were drugs in his system but he died by shooting himself. She said some things that I believe would be true for anyone who died by suicide, and things she thought would make us feel better. She said he called for help, but his friends blew it off. She called his friends “not stellar people” and that they gave him the “cocktail” that altered his mind and caused him to have crazy thoughts and kill himself. I have to say I was a little disturbed by this. I have come to know many of Adam’s college friends after his death and believe they are great, caring people. I don’t think any of them would try to hurt him, and I believe he made his own decisions about what to put into his body.

Vicki talked about Adam having a list of things to be accountable for. He never felt worthy. She said he was helping other spirits like him to redeem himself. This was mentioned by another psychic, and I couldn’t help but think of his friend Devin who died by overdose last year. She said he used to blame others and thought he was a disappointment. She said my dad was relieved Adam was there when he transitioned. She said Adam was a good kid who kept people at bay. He’s sorry about killing himself; it’s not what he wanted. It wasn’t planned but a chemical reaction caused by the drugs he took. She said he was soaring high, and if we see a shooting star, that’s him.

We probably shouldn’t have, but we tested her on a couple of things, and she had no clue. I’d have rather her say, “that’s not coming through” or “that’s not how this works” than to make a wrong guess, which she did. I guess that would have seemed more genuine.

Things she said to look for: something touching Cal’s hair, seeing something in Cal’s peripheral vision, Grandpa wanting Cal to get new shoes. She said he would touch my forehead while I’m sleeping (told T. a similar thing). The next day Cal reported a few happenings: he felt something in his hair (a bug), he did see movement in his peripheral vision that he never noticed before, and his friend David asked his shoe size and said he had a pair that size for Cal. I also found coins on the grass at our campsite as the family was all sitting around together talking about this. One other uncanny thing happened the week after our visit. I grabbed a clock from my mom’s house that I had been eyeing for my office. As I was driving home, I knew but suddenly realized, this was a clock that was bought in memory of dad’s mom after she died (it hung at the community theater until it recently closed and my mom brought it home), and it is inscribed with her name. I think this was the gift from my grandma Vicki was referring to. Well, that’s what I choose to believe, why else would I choose that day to take it rather than waiting until we moved back into our old office like I had originally planned.

Yeah, and why was her name Vicki, and my last name was “Vick.”

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Sensory Walk

 One component of self-compassion can be savoring. Savoring is the sensual sister of gratitude. Today after creativity group, we took a Sense and Savor Walk. Lakeview is the perfect spot for such a walk, 10 or 15 minutes to walk around and be drawn into whatever ignites your senses. 

I began by ambling towards a decaying stump, a visually interesting starting point. Inside I found a whole world living and growing. Ruffled layers of off-white fungi curled inside the log, reminding me of rich layers of frosting. Spiderwebs were evident in spots, and then a daddy long legs crawled up from beneath the rotting fronds. Ants were busy making whatever it is ants make. 

I moved along towards a rather new bridge I had noticed on previous visits. Never once had I thought, what is underneath, that this bridge is bridging (3 billygoats gruff?)Well, what do you know? an adorable bubbling creek. There was a gorgeous dragonfly and a sparkling insect shimmering like gold. Some seeded scat on the planks kept me from lying down and hanging my head close to the water. 

On I trailed along the creek noting an old honey locust tree, with dried pods hanging from it. That struck me as unusual.  My back was warmed by the sun and it felt like a gentle massage. Up ahead I spotted the bee keeping area, fenced off complete with warning sign. Leave those bees alone! As I got closer one bee buzzed loudly around my head and I heeded its warning, veering up the green, lush hill towards a stand of bushes and trees. Delicate white flowers were teaming with flying insects. One honey bee was frantically skittering around, while the smaller bugs were daintily dipping. Another honey locust tree was devoid of pods. 

Back to our starting point, we shared our experiences, and I took a few notes. Selectively attending to positive experiences did indeed feel good, relaxing. I don't normally linger in nature, soaking in the small details of the natural world. As A. said, there's a lot going on out here!  

I will enthusiastically agree with Emily Dickinson who wrote, "To live is so startling, it leaves little room for other occupations." I will try to carry this into a new week with me. 

Monday, July 05, 2021

A Sunday Fourth

 Who gets up at 1:45 a.m. and makes Barf Balls (aka No-Bake Cookies) at 3:30 a.m. Raises hand. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea??

The barf balls are a treat for Cal to take on the road today. My intention was to teach him how to make them yesterday, but I got too busy. Started the morning with a wonderful weigh in. Could be due to proper elimination. Paddle boarding at Spring Lake and a leisurely ride-about in a rented pontoon. Home to prepare some food for the evening's festivities at Camp Rock, Chris' RV spot at Argyle Lake. I've always taken for granted these two nice resources we have within 10 miles of home. But, they are to be appreciated when you need a staycation with a little spice. 

After dining, the second round of Bags commenced with Toni vowing to stay 100% sober to vie for the Title of Champion. Chuck replaced Eli as my partner, and though he has some skills, we were not competitive whatsoever. Cal and Emery were victorious in two matches against Chris and Toni, once again, much to Chris' chagrin. 


Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Bags and more

 What a crazy few days it's been. Last evening was the topper (so far). We had a bags tourney extraordinaire. Eli and me vs. Cal and Emery vs. Chris and Toni in a double elimination format. Don't ask me what that is; all I know is we lost the first match against Cal and Emery 21-1 and still had a chance to come back. Our second match vs. Chris and Toni, I notched a couple of "corn holes" and earned the nickname Suzi Buckets. We lost 20-7 or something like that. By the last match up (obviously, we didn't make it there), the entire Fam had formed a cheering section for their favorites and it was exciting beyond exciting. Cal became Baby Buckets and Emery was the surprise Ace, who kept up with the Wily Veteran Chris, eventually taking home the invisible trophy and bragging rights for next year- or 4th of July.


Sibs just wanna have fun



Good sportsmanship is always appreciated


We had so many laughs- one of the most raucous was Betsy's failed attempt at taking a panoramic picture of everyone, which contorted Eli's face in a most uproarious way. 

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Solitude

 I have had a lousy sleeping (or non-sleeping) pattern lately. But this early morning, I took a break from my usual busyness that afflicts me at 1-2-3 a.m., and ate a cinnamon roll and had coffee on the front porch at 3:30 a.m. It was raining, and just the most peaceful, quiet feeling. I decided that I can eat sweets and decadent foods if they are really, really good, and Aly's cinnamon rolls are really, really good. So I savored the roll and the rain and my thoughts. Never mind, I had indulged in Aly's unbelievable lemon cake layers, filled with strawberry compote and lemon cream cheese buttercream, iced with vanilla swiss meringue buttercream just hours earlier (har har).

This peaceful early morning time is needed since I have been so surrounded by people non-stop since June 16. Six days in a car, sleeping in a room, and gathering with extended family members I have not seen in decades, or am just meeting. It takes a lot out of me. I had one walk by myself in those six days. When I got home, I went straight back to work, and some of my houseguests were here, and will be here until July 8th or 9th. That's 23 days out of my normally serene and slow lifestyle. I love and want them here dearly, but I crave and need my alone time, so here I am. 

Eli just came downstairs, fearing someone was breaking or wandering into the house. I told him this is a regular pattern for me, and I will probably go back to sleep in a bit and have some interesting caffeine induced dreams. 

My creative juices are flowing, and I think that wakes me up, too. I was inspired on my trip by some small local businesses that have the feel I am drawn to. If nobody took risks, nothing would ever get done. Creatives would not create, niches would not be found, positive energies would not flow out and spark new energy. 

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Challenges and Opportunities

 I was able to start my creativity group and have had two meetings so far. My expectations have been exceeded. Six women attended the first group, 3 for the second. I have heard interest from others who were invited. People are busy, and summer is vacation time for many. That's why I am excited to have had as many come as did. I know I am starting to explore my creativity in a different way, mentally. 

I'm a little disappointed that my goal of 50% BIPOC was not met. I think I can grow my relationships in this area in other ways. I just have to set my intentions and take the risks. I have started this process. 

I am happy to be where I am in life. The obstacles I imagine do not have to hold me back. My artist's date to Springfield was satisfying and poignant. I thought of the many places and times I had with Adam in the city, and how that day was his birthday, and we should have been together. I broke down after picking up my food at Little Saigon. It was one of the best ways to honor him on the day he started his life on earth. 

Monday, May 10, 2021






Adam, friends and his dad, Bill, 6/5/14 Hot Pot


Hannah, Eli at church in Gainesville, Easter, 2019


Cal with Guatamalan toddler, January 2016

I don't know if there's been a Mother's Day like this, none of my children home, none in Illinois. I did hear from them and feel their love. It was a blessed day as I got to spend time with my mom, too. 


I'm continuing my heavy reading in the morning. Dr. Glaude talks about the Legacy Museum and National Memorial for Peace and Justice as part of the new way to "begin again." 



In the afternoons I'm blowing through books by Louise Erdrich and Alicia Keys. I'm mulling over my own creative processes, longing for more. Life is exciting and wondrous when you open your eyes and allow it. 




 

Friday, April 23, 2021

Stuck in Time


 

I hate that Adam is stuck in 2016, no pictures, no talk, only possible signs and feelings. Something in a book reminded me of standing on our porch, facing north in June, a spectacular electrical show in the sky. No thunder, only crackling strands of lightning dancing in the night. We shared this moment together and even at the time I knew it was special. 

Friday, April 16, 2021

Dorothy Counts


 

I'm reading a borrowed book, and continuing my education and understanding of where we stand in this moment in time in America. The author tells the story of Dorothy Counts at 15 years old, in 1957, a freshman in high school, who was one of four students to first desegregate Harding High School in Charlotte, NC. She was greeted with screaming, racist insults, spit, and items thrown at her for nearly two blocks. Inside the building was not safe either. Can you imagine sending your child into this nightmare so that change may begin? Not blaming the parents. Admiring Dorothy and her parents for the courage and strength in this unfathomable situation. 

A piece of history I was not taught. In 1957, two years before my brother was born, 5 years before I was born. How can this be? 



Tuesday, April 06, 2021

Day 21 Take Action in the Your Area

 I have been putting off this last reflection because perhaps it requires action and commitment, two things I'm again afraid of failing at. I have also been wrestling with anxiety over the Derek Chauvin murder trial and the fear that somehow this vile man is going to get away with murder. I'm not so much worried about the worldwide reaction if he is acquitted, but the message that would send, and the further schism in this country that may result; larger than the Grand Canyon, wider than the Mississippi, and greater than the Great Lakes. I don't think I'm being dramatic. 

My action points are to build a more diverse circle around me and speak up and out more when something is wrong or I don't agree. 

I completed the One Human Family survey (passive) feeling I didn't contribute much. 

Monday, March 29, 2021

Day 20 Final Reflections

 REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

  1. What is my race and how has it impacted my life? How does my race allow me to have higher social capital or privilege in certain environments, or vice versa? 

  2. What were some of my assumptions about race and racial inequity before I started this 21-day challenge? In what ways have these assumptions been challenged? In what ways have they been reinforced? 

  3. Where have I seen evidence of inequities and systemic and structural racism in my community? 

  4. What two to three shifts, changes or actions, can I take to create a more inclusive and equitable environment in my home, workplace, and community? 


1. I've always considered my race White or Caucasian, European American ethnicity. My place of privilege has meant I have not had to consider my race on a daily basis, have not been discriminated against because of it, and been privy to walking through any doors I have chosen to, without a thought.
However, I have never done a DNA test, but am curious to know if there are some other races mixed in. I would be delighted to find African, Asian or Indigenous bloodlines in my DNA.

2. I've had moments of awakening in the past: attending my first Juneteenth celebration in Denver, CO in 1986 and being in the minority for the first time in my life; taking a gay male colleague to a local diner, and suddenly wondering if he felt uncomfortable. The challenge definitely got me thinking about how ubiquitous racial inequality is. I realized that it's something some people don't have the luxury of ignoring.

3. Everywhere: I see people of color working mainly low wage jobs in food service. Mostly white county board, police force, fire department.

4. Bring up the conversation. Challenge what I disagree with. Call out wrongness.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Day 18 and 19

 You are an ally if you seek to understand what it feels like for another person or group to be oppressed, and despite knowing you will never fully understand how it feels, you are committed to valuing and supporting people who are marginalized. 

 2020 has been a very divisive year, one reason for the formation of the local One Human Family chapter, the sponsor of this 21 day racial equity challenge. 

A new term to me, "asset-framing" uses narratives to change the unconscious associations ingrained in our society. The opposite practice of deficit-framing, or defining people by their challenges, encourages continued stigmatization of groups of individuals. 

The above are some quotes from the material provided on the topics of allyship and the racial equity change process. Fancy ways of saying, I support my fellow humans who have been marginalized, and I will work for change out in the world.

I have already failed. An opportunity for me to speak up at a staff meeting when a weakness was identified as lack of diversity amongst us. The leader and others concluded aloud there is nothing we can do about this, I think implying we don't get diverse applicants to apply. Everything in me wanted to cry out, that's not the answer. I don't have the answer/s but that's not good enough. But my little mind didn't let me speak up. My fear held me back. Would they argue, demand I give the answers I'm not sure of? I had nothing to lose, and yet I was silent. How many times has a person who has been marginalized been silent or silenced, when I of privilege am afraid to speak up?

I don't like confronting this reality, but this is where I am at.

Monday, March 08, 2021

DAY 17: Building a Race Equity Culture

 One Human Family, who has sponsored and organized this racial equity challenge, sure has pulled together a lot of resources. Today's challenge is about making the workplace more inclusive. I didn't think I had much influence on hiring practices, but I can make sure all feel welcomed- parents who need time off for their kids, people with disabilities, black and brown co-workers and clients. 

Sunday, March 07, 2021

DAY 16: Equity & The LGBTQI+ Community

 Another topic I know something about. Intersectionality is a term used when a person has more than one identity that is subject to discrimination. For example, Black trans female, or a person who is disabled and also happens to be Latinx. 

One interesting question I got from the following video about how to be an ally was to examine what your intention is in being an ally.



I really have to put on my thinking cap for this one. I have been drawn to the LGBTQ community for a long time. I have been eager to attend trainings, educate myself, work, and befriend persons from this particular minority group. Maybe it's my love of the underdog. Maybe it's because of my own internal struggles that I can relate. 

This video explains why pronouns are important. 



This has come into focus in my personal life as a close family member has come out as non-binary. I get frustrated with arguments against using the pronouns "they, them, theirs." Just do it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If we are uncomfortable, imagine what it's like to be the person who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold of society. 

Thursday, March 04, 2021

DAY 15: Adverse Childhood Experiences

 Finally, I know something about: ACES. And I am caught up on my challenges. 

Adverse Childhood Experiences are measured by how many of 10 factors you experienced as a child. The more you have, the worse physical and mental health outcomes you will experience over your lifetime. The interesting thing is, the original study was done on college educated persons who had health insurance. You can find your ACES score here: https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores. Things like parent separation or divorce, parent in prison, parent alcoholic or mentally ill, physical abuse, and witness to domestic violence are some of the questions. 

I have read Nadine Burke Harris' book The Deepest Well and watched her Ted Talks. I highly recommend them if you want to understand how impactful trauma is on humans. 

I also love the idea of resilience:

Building Resilience

 
The habits, practices, and cognitive strategies featured above are key to building resilience.
[View a larger version of the Resilience Pyramid]
 

Everyone faces challenges and hardship at times.

Resilience is your ability to cope with and bounce back from stress and adversity, and hopefully even grow through the experience. It is sometimes referred to as “thriving” … and not just surviving.

Resilient people are more likely to ...

  • meet the demands of their academic/work and personal lives successfully
  • take action to deal with challenges, problems, and setbacks
  • seek support and assistance when they need it
  • know when to stop, rest, and replenish inner resources
  • have a sense of independence, self-efficacy, and self-worth
  • form and maintain positive, mutually-respectful relationships with others
  • have a sense of purpose and goals for the future

Resilience is not a fixed state. You may be more resilient at different times in your life than others. Most importantly, resilience can be learned, practiced, developed, and strengthened.

DAY 14: Education & School-Aged Children

 Did you have teachers who looked like you? Did you have toys and books that looked like you? What messages were you taught about race? How did those messages compare to what you saw around you?


I'm not really into reading a bunch of statistics, so for today's challenge I will just journal on the prompts above that were given.

Scratch that. I looked at the stats for my local school district and the surrounding schools, and see that only my area had enough (more than 10) Black students to report on. That was kind of shocking in 2021. Only one district (not mine) had enough Hispanic students to report on. Both groups performed less well on state testing. No percent of the Black or Hispanic students exceeded standards on English or math. There's obviously a lot of work to do here.

Anecdotally, my son reports that his primarily Black students perform better in math than English.


Tuesday, March 02, 2021

DAY 13: Behind the Starting Line — Racialized Outcomes in Early Childhood

 Have you heard the brew-ha about Illinois' new culturally responsive teaching standards? OMG, another example of backlash against the BLM movement, in my humble opinion. Why are all these White people getting their pants in a bunch over teacher education programs opening eyes to differences they are going to encounter in their teaching career? If a White student was in a predominantly Black school with all Black teachers, wouldn't you want them to have an understanding of your child's background? 

Quality early childhood education is known to increase future school success, and you're probably not surprised to hear that more Black pre-schoolers are suspended from school than their White counterparts. And over-identified for special education. 

DAY 12: The Racial Wealth Gap

Doing this racial equity work is exhausting. It makes me wonder how BIPOC (Black and Indigenous People of Color) feel and how they become successful with the odds stacked against them. There are many who do, so why do we stereotype them as people who are not successful. 

There are both gaps in income and wealth. Some explanations have been previously mentioned such as home ownership. Whites own more stocks, other real estate and businesses, which are riskier but have higher average returns over time. Whites have better jobs that offer pensions and long term saving and investing opportunities. 

Here's another factor I had not thought about:

The magnitudes of differences in inheritances have been found to be large. Avery and Rendall (2002) use the 1989 SCF to document that far fewer black households reported receiving an inheritance than whites and that, of those who did, the average value was about five times smaller than that of their white counterparts.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

DAY 11: What is Environmental Racism?

 People of color disproportionately live in neighborhoods with environmental hazards. And no one cares enough to fix them, the people with the resources, that is. Think Flint, Michigan and the lead problem. I also read that in poor neighborhoods in New York City, there are less trash bins on the street because the city doesn't want to pick them up. So there is more garbage on the streets. 

Saturday, February 27, 2021

Day 10 How Your Race Affects Your Health

 I have heard the disparities in health between White and Black folk. I am aware of the stereotypes that lower income people eat a less healthy diet. Maybe this is because in urban areas, there aren't good grocery stores where fresh foods can be purchased. I know the food pantry I volunteered at passed out canned and processed food, because it kept on the shelf. There was talk of improving the nutritional value at one point and pancakes and syrup were removed as staples. I think this is changing in my community because bountiful Victory Gardens were started around town last year, and the food delivery program is able to deliver more fresh and frozen foods, thus improving the quality. 

Maybe there are less doctors working with POC or in communities where they live. This brings me to COVID and data is pretty clear that Blacks are dying at higher rates than their White counterparts. In spite of this, there is some understandable fear among certain groups about taking a new vaccine. This dates back the known studies Blacks were unknowingly involved in including the  Tuskegee study and the case Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cells were used in perpetuity without her knowledge or consent. I wasn't able to finish the book that was written on this, but I find it curious how Johns Hopkins University spins her legacy:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/henriettalacks/

If that isn't systemic racism (lack of acknowledgement or remorse for a wrongdoing towards a Black woman) I don't know what is. The first paragraph contains the following: At the time, The Johns Hopkins Hospital was one of only a few hospitals to treat poor African-Americans. This was the best medical treatment available. Way to legitimize what you did! 

Postscript: If I had actually listened to the suggested Ted Talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/david_r_williams_how_racism_makes_us_sick) I would have had a better understanding on this topic. Racism itself causes health problems. Dr. Williams found a way to measure discrimination and found that the more acts of racism the person was exposed to, the more health problems and earlier death.  Racism causes stress and mental health issues which lead to poor health. Discrimination in health care exists as well, so that POC get lesser quality health care


Friday, February 26, 2021

Day 9 Racial Disparities in Homelessness and Housing

Consider the data — in McDonough County:

  • 23.3% of the population lives in poverty.  

  • African Americans make up about 4.7% of the general population but represent 53.77% of Macomb citizens living in poverty. 


One factor in homelessness is called network impoverishment. Network impoverishment is when you live in predominantly poor neighborhoods or when you don't have people with resources who can help you when you have a financial emergency. POC have less accumulated wealth. Traditionally this has been rooted in home ownership. So if you don't have your own emergency fund, and don't have family or friends who can help you out, chances are higher you will end up homeless if a medical emergency, layoff, pandemic, etc. happens.

I was technically homeless with a young child once in 1991. I moved in with somebody temporarily and stayed for 30 years. I wasn't overly worried, well maybe I was, about staying homeless, because I knew my parents would always help me out, and often did. I just hated asking. Economic security is something I probably take for granted, but try not to. I have spent most of my career working with people at or below the poverty line, so I have seen firsthand what homelessness and housing insecurity looks like.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Day 7 and 8

  ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed) is a new term to me, and I am shocked (?) to know the county I live in has a higher ALICE rate than surrounding counties, which seem poorer on the surface (don't have a large university, appear to have less business, more people walking around that look down and out). Maybe the key word here is Employed. This group is identified as earning over the Federal Poverty Level, but not enough to cover the basic cost of living. And remember, the cost of living in central Illinois is pretty low, despite the way people complain about taxes.

Perhaps our county has a disproportionate number of underemployed and underpaid workers. Not surprising this hits POC harder.

Segregation is still a thing. I don't see it as much as it probably exists. In housing for sure, as the lower your income the fewer options you have with regard to housing. Our public schools are combined attendance centers so everyone attends the same schools according to grade level. This presumably evens the playing field in education. However, I have anecdotal information that some children are treated differently and they happen to be Black.

Monday, February 22, 2021

Day 6 Levels of Racism

 Since I have been aware but  not really thought about my role in the levels of racism, I will briefly summarize my understanding. 

Individual forms of racism include internalized racism which is what we feel inside about race, including POC who may begin to believe they are inferior because of experiences and attitudes that put down their race. Interpersonal racism is what we encounter between individuals. Most media and discussion focuses on these more easily understood and seen forms of racism. 

Focusing on the individuals negates the presence of institutional and structural racism. These are the systemic forms of racism that keep certain groups out of housing, educational, and occupational settings. Just because we had a Black president or some POC are successful doesn't mean everyone has the same opportunities or doesn't encounter barriers White people never think about. Even though anti-discrimination laws are in effect it doesn't eliminate subtle forms of voter suppression, hiring practices, educational and economic disparities, health outcomes, the list goes on. 

Just in my work world, there are no people of color in my department and few throughout the organization. None in senior leadership, heck that is heavily male dominated, too. 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

DAY 5 The Impact of Racial Trauma on Black, Indigenous and other People of Color

 My vacation derailed my work on the racial equity challenge. Again, I have the privilege of putting race issues on hold while I frolic about having fun. 

The Day 5 challenge deals with oppression, internalized racism, mental health, and imposter syndrome to name a few. A few personal thoughts as I read through the materials provided:

I've never worried about walking down the street, in the street, or riding my bike and being stopped and asked for ID. I have been aware for decades that this happens to POC. Our own police chief made a public comment not that long ago about people who live in "this" community need to follow the norms, like using sidewalks. I've lived in "this" community most of my life, and I walk in the street and "jaywalk" whenever I please.  There was a study done about what happens when a White man walks down the street carrying a legal weapon, and what happens to a Black man doing the same thing. I'm sure you know the results. When I have been stopped by police while driving, I usually get a warning. I've never been searched, made to lie on the ground, had a gun pulled on me, or God forbid shot. 

While reading the article, "The Link Between Racism and PTSD" I thought of my son's new friend, Brandon, whom I met in Florida. Cal had been telling us about his friend who lives next door, and I saw him leaving his apartment one day, and I cheerfully asked if he was Brandon and introduced myself. He looked startled when I knew his name. He later joked to Cal that he thought I was the FBI. Cal told us he is into guns and likes having an apartment that faces the parking lot so he can monitor who is coming and going. Brandon happens to be Black. The article helped me understand that being a Black male he has undoubtedly experienced a multitude of racist acts on the high end, and microaggressions, on the lower end, which can result in PTSD symptoms and even paranoia. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Day 4 White Fragility

I took the White Fragility quiz by Beacon Press. No, I have not read the book below. 


 Your score is 10 or below. You exhibit some white fragility traits.

Don't worry, we all do to some degree. This quiz has helped you identify underlying assumptions that you hold about race that engender these feelings, behaviors, and claims you make when confronted. What can you do now? You should read Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism to learn what you can do to engage more constructively.
Today's readings on Common Racist Attitudes and Behaviors made me aware that throwing up my hands or giving up is not an option for people of color. It shouldn't be an option for me. I'm also prone to silence, as I value acceptance and not speaking my mind is complicit agreement. 

Tuesday, February 09, 2021

Day 3 What is Privilege

 I took the privilege self-assessment and shared with my siblings and spouse. I scored 61 out of 100 privilege points. Many of the non-privileges I have come from being female, however being a cisgender, straight female has many privileges. I didn't necessarily have an economically or financially privileged upbringing, though it wasn't poverty. My parents say we were close to the poverty line, but they always prioritized saving and investing. They lived well below their means and still do. Some of the items on the assessment reminded me of difficult times I went through, that I have minimized as a coping mechanism, but have ultimately made me stronger. 

I've had the feeling most of my life that I have slid under the radar. Of course, my Whiteness in a Midwestern town allows this to happen. The last few years I have been speaking out more on something I unfortunately learned about first hand: being a suicide loss survivor. I just don't feel the confidence to speak out about racism and sexism in the same way. I am grateful to those who do, and am happy to support them. One thing this racial equity challenge suggested is simply saying, "That's wrong" when I encounter offensive behavior or words. I'll let you know how that goes. 

Friday, February 05, 2021

Day 2 Understanding and Reflecting on Our Bias

 I took the Implicit Association Test (IAT) for trans/cisgender and Biden/Reagan. While I like to think my attitudes are on the "right" (or left) side, the quizzes show my bias is ingrained heavily in me. I scored in the range of moderately favoring Cisgender people and moderately favoring Biden over Reagan. I honestly thought my disdain for Reagan would play out as more pronounced. Just goes to show you we can't shed our skin as easily as we thought. 

I know a White person who tries to be open and non-judgmental, but always brings up the same examples from their experience that they think goes against stereotypes but in fact reinforces the blinders of White Privilege. Not that I do any better. 

It's honestly uncomfortable to face this idea that I am hurting people unintentionally. But this just proves the fact that our culture is so systemically biased that we Whites can't begin to know how to dismantle it. That's why it bothers me when White people are leading anti-racist movements and purporting to speak for Black Americans. 

It almost makes me want to throw up my hands and not even try. When I saw the list of other IAT quizzes I was terrified to take the ones dealing with race. I vaguely remember taking one years (?) ago and the results were not flattering. 

Maybe I can just continue to learn and grow. I know I want to advocate and support but it's pretty clear I am bound to fail. 


21-Day Racial Equity Challenge

 Day 1: Personal Racial Identity

  • When did you first become aware of your racial identity?
  • What messages did you learn about race from your school and family? Did they align with what you’ve seen in your life?
  • When has how others perceived your racial identity affected how they treat you?

 

I probably never thought about my racial identity until college. Until then, I considered myself “normative,” “American,” “Mid-Western” etc.

 

It was always understood in my family to never use the N-word. My parents enjoyed entertaining college students from different backgrounds and rented a room to a female student who was Black. I never thought anything of it. My brother had Black friends, but I did not. Looking back, I have tried to “justify” this by confirming that there were no Black girls in my grade in elementary school, even though my school was the most diverse with the possible exception of the University lab school. I checked my senior class, and there were no Black girls among a class of 220. Obviously, the majority were White. There were boys my age who were Black, and I considered them cool, nice, athletic and normal. I don’t remember witnessing any overt racism, though I likely would not have recognized it (?).

 

My parents have recounted the racism they encountered when they moved to our small town, including a real estate agent who tried to steer them away from certain neighborhoods, and when they did pick a house, told them they would want to move “up” at some point (they never did). They wanted us to stay in the school with the lowest socio-economic students even when we could have gone to another elementary because they liked the teachers.

 

I don’t  think anyone ever treated me differently because of my race, but I wondered on the inside if anyone resented me for being White. I remember seeing a book called “Black Like Me” around my house, and I’ve wondered what it would be like to be Black. I remember movies like “Lillies of the Valley” and “To Sir With Love” and thought Sidney Portier was very handsome, but I didn’t know what the big deal was about.

 

Tuesday, February 02, 2021

Feb. 2, 2021




 

This struck me at just the right time. It hits the right note of how I am feeling these days. Funny how true when they say the lead up to the anniversary of a death is heavier than the actual day. 

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Self Help


I have been on this self-help journey a long, long time. I've had professional help, too. And I've had teachers who were friends, historical figures, authors, family members, community leaders, and just plain ordinary people going about their lives. I get inspiration all around me. My journals, pictures, scrapbooks, and blogs are my records of this journey. 

To live my best life, as we say nowadays, I've decided is internal. It's not where I go or what I do. It's how I feel inside and almost 58 years into this, I'm starting to get it. I don't try to push away the rough spots (well, yes I do but I'm working on this). Honestly, it's harder to stay in the moment when I should be "happy." 


I saw this cool sticker that goes with the photo above. 


When I took the Covid vaccine, I thought, if something happens to me, I've had a good life. I can truly say I gave it my all. 



Friday, January 15, 2021

Marian Anderson

I saw the story below on the public radio newsletter page and remembered how my dad fondly recalled seeing Marian Anderson live in person in Japan when he was serving in the Korean conflict. I think it was one of the biggest thrills of his life.  


Hey everyone, enjoy your day!



From “Ten Great Classical Music Moments in America” by Kyle MacMillan



(This seems rather timely, and is reprinted with kind permission from Listen magazine, published by Steinway & Sons)

Marian Anderson performed before seventy-five thousand people at the Lincoln Memorial in what has been called the first-ever public protest concert in America. Such a singular venue and mammoth crowd would have made this an important concert no matter what, but the circumstances surrounding it added to its gravity. Howard University in Washington, D.C., wanted to present the singer in concert, but did not have a venue large enough. So, it tried to rent Constitution Hall but was rebuffed by the Daughters of the American Revolution because only whites were allowed to perform there. Outraged, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt resigned from the DAR and organized this outdoor concert with the memorials statue of Abraham Lincoln as the singers backdrop. Anderson began her concert with My Country, Tis of Thee” and continued with DonizettiLa favorite” and Franz SchubertAve Maria,” ending with three spirituals. Miss Anderson had never considered herself to be an activist, but in fact, on that Sunday morning, she was,” wrote soprano Jessye Norman, who devoted a chapter to Anderson in her recent memoir, Stand Up Straight and Sing! (Houghton Mifflin). When I think about how, despite the pervasive prejudice she experienced, she did not allow hatred to dampen the song within, I can only be grateful.”