Depression

All through this, I have resisted applying the label of depression to Adam. It's not because of stigma or shame; I have worked in mental health for 20 years and almost consider it normal. It's not because I don't think it could happen in my family, I have taken medication for depression most of those 20 years. You would think I could spot it a mile away.

Anxiety, yes. That runs in the family, and he would talk about his own anxiety at times. I encouraged him to see a doctor or a counselor. Addiction, I didn't realize, but makes perfect sense. Again, family history. Adam didn't have the telltale signs of depression or changes in behavior (fatigue, trouble concentrating, crying spells, loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt) that weren't part of what I thought was his personality. He told me within the last year that he hadn't cried since he was 14 or 15. He would literally get mad at me if he saw me crying. Depression never really entered my mind with Adam even with our family history and knowing that depression and anxiety often go together.

Well, there's one thing Pat has mentioned a couple of times. Adam said he wasn't really into the NBA this year. Should that have set off an alarm?

He was good at hiding feelings and things he perceived as weaknesses. Most of us with depression are good at functioning and getting along around other people. It's the inner turmoil or angst we tend to keep to ourselves. Adam didn't talk about suicide ever, and though I didn't suspect it, I wasn't completely surprised either. My hunch from the beginning was it may have been an ever present or repeating thought for a long time, but he would never let his guard down and admit something like that. If he was going to do something, it would be his decision, and it would be final.

Funny thing is, Adam was more communicative than ever, introduced a girl to us, came home more often, and seemed more comfortable being vulnerable. He went to Mens Wearhouse in January, got fitted for his tux for Eli's wedding, and put down a $100 deposit (something I thought he would have procrastinated on).

In the past, I have thought, anyone who takes their own life has to have a mental illness. It's not something a rationally thinking, mentally healthy person would do. I suspect mixing alcohol and pain medication as Adam did may have allowed him to carry out a plan he kept carefully secreted. I didn't know he had a gun. If I had he would have told me it was just a fascination, and I would have believed him. What flipped the switch on that day, we will not ever know. Did he quietly carry a deep depression that ultimately killed him?

Just because I didn't see it, doesn't mean it wasn't there. There are so many things I don't know.