Some questions I was asked by a friend after she read "How many children do I have?: Do you think it is hard for you to say you have 2 kids instead of 3 because of the way he died? If it was an accident or something do you think it would be easier? I know I wanted to avoid talking about my dad because I hate telling people he killed himself. It almost made me feel less of a person because I wasn't enough to make him want to live. I know that's silly but that's how I felt for a long time. Suicide has such a stigma and some people have no understanding of it and are very judgmental.
Saying I have two kids feels disrespectful to Adam, but there are definitely times I don't want to get into it and that makes saying I have two kids easier. I think my fear is more of breaking down while talking about it and being vulnerable. That is just not something I want to do with everyone. My desire is to be open, but it's not always going to be the time and place.
My "less of a person" feeling comes more from fear of being judged as a bad mother that would have a child that felt he had to kill himself. Sometimes I imagine people are looking at me and thinking, "There goes the girl whose son killed himself" (maybe to torture myself). I know Adam did not want me to think I failed as a parent. In all his writing and conversations I have had with him and that others have shared with me, I believe he understood all his experiences made him the person he is and that he had perspective on his personal traumas (the divorce, moving to Illinois, being bullied). I tried to be careful about not talking about my mother guilt with Adam because I thought he would feel like I thought he was a failure as a person.
I still am not really feeling the stigma or judgment coming from people about suicide. So, no I don't think it would be easier to say he died in an accident or of natural causes. Saying he is dead is just something that sticks in my throat when I try to say it out loud.
1 comment:
No mother is free of the "guilt" of how their choices affect our children. If divorcing, moving, or school bullying caused all children to commit suicide as adults, well over half the population would be deceased! Regardless of his upbringing, Adam's choice--as an adult--to end is life was NOT your fault. Anyone who judges you based on that is simply not worth your time or energy. Further, anyone who judges or blames Adam for the choice he made has zero idea of the emotional/physical pain that precipitates such desperate action. Again, delete, delete, delete any who make these judgments. At best, they are ignorant; at worst, they are cruel. I love you, Susan, and am in awe of the grace and resiliency you're showing during such a difficult time. Surely, Adam wouldn't have wanted you to suffer. By working through your grief and honoring your memories of him, you are being exactly the kind of loving mother he was so fortunate to have. S.
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