March Musings

Life is busy and life is good. I just re-read all the cards we have received last night. It was difficult, but it made me feel good, too. I have felt so many things but overriding it all is love. I’m not sure how much love Adam was feeling when he ended his life, but I do know we had good times and he was loved by many. I think he knew that somewhere inside. I found near his bed letters, real actual mail, that I had written him and it was a comfort to know he saved those words and maybe re-read them a few times.

I am on about #75 of thank you notes with at least 25 more to go. I have enjoyed doing this more than you would think. I much prefer it to watching TV, and I still have not been able to read a book. I started Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I found it in Adam's room and thought it would be nice to connect with him through reading this. I have been finding comfort in wearing some of Adam's old clothes and his watch (well, one of his watches). I stubbornly hold onto those last emails, to reassure myself that it wasn't my fault, that he wasn't mad at me. When I wake at 2 or 3 a.m., I usually drift over to Adam's room to finish the night. I know it sounds weird, but I haven't washed the sheets since he was home at Christmas and I have no plans to. It makes me feel closer to him, and I keep hoping I will see him in my dreams. Adam had a lot of sleep issues in that room, and I would even welcome a nightmare if I could see him again moving and talking and breathing.

As we March forth (wait that was yesterday), activities and people fill our days and evenings, but night time is still my time with Adam, good or bad. I say the prayer I taught him, and hope that he still remembered it and that it took him peacefully into his new dimension.

My bodyguards.

That Nuggets shirt is one I have been working out in. It's Andre Iguodala's. Adam had a connection to him through a cousin who went to UIS. He has since made a big name for himself with the Golden State Warriors.