March 2, 2016

I am going to stay up to write this, because it has to be done. I will never have this day again to record how I feel, what I did, how I coped. It is exactly one month since we found out Adam was gone. Ironically (?), oddly enough, the death certificates showed up in the mail today, and verified what we already knew about the manner of death, suicide.

Before I had even seen this, I was driving home for lunch crying because the thought was real; Adam is never coming home again. He's not just in Springfield living his life, he is never, ever coming home. As life would have it, I went on Facebook and had this inspiring message from Tara: Just remember that he didn't do this to make your life sad or miserable..:he did it simply because his pain was too much to bear. I know Adam absolutely would not want any of us to be sad...and he will never be forgotten!!

It felt like Adam was talking through Tara to me. It blows my mind when young people are so smart and intuitive and mature. I am learning from my 'youngers' every day.

It feels like a milestone has been reached, all the hoopla has died down, and we are left not knowing what to feel or do or say sometimes. I'm sure I would not have taken that trip to Albuquerque if it had not been booked. Now coming back, I was only gone from work five days, but it felt like an eternity. I was really reaching for that trip and change of scenery and now that I'm back, a melancholia has set in (or so it seems).

A couple of kind friends sent me personal care packages, a nice reminder to take care of myself. I drew a bath tonight and dropped a bath bomb in watching it fizz and foam, lifting it up to see what air would do to it, rolling it down my legs. It smelled great and was a nice sensory stimulant. I used the Harry's razor and it glided perfectly around the lumpy knee area where I usually nick myself.

Thank you Tara, Claudia and Melissa for comforting me on a significant yet ordinary day.