Falling Apart

If you asked me earlier today I would tell you I am falling apart. Tears over many things. Frantic need to find certain baby pictures. I don't want to talk about it or for anyone to 'intervene.' It feels more rightfully mine than the serenity and strength I have been walking around with.

Unlocking Adam's picture gallery brought a new round of emotions. Much of it was videos of a professional football game he had attended (?), pictures of big, ugly fish in the kitchens of Asian restaurants. A day at the zoo. Nature shots. A few pictures with Bella, a few of Pearl. He didn't actually use the camera that much. A couple disturbing images popped up of Adam with the gun. I don't know if these were taken around the time of his death, as I can't see dates on them. I found myself compulsively going back and making myself look at them and try to discern the place and the context, but it just ended up upsetting me more.

We have found a couple of references to health problems on his email and texts. At this point it is a mystery if something was going on with his health that frightened him and somehow contributed to his decision.

I think if we are honest, most of us have had some at least fleeting thoughts of suicide at one time or another. What would happen if I ran my car off the road? Don't panic here, because I am really fine, but I did think, maybe I should go find him. I don't want him to be alone. Then I thought maybe he is with Grandpa Charlie and Pearl (as of Friday), and you know what? I will die one day, we all will, and if it is meant to be, I will see him again.

So, yeah. It's getting real. Now cleaned up, in my PJ's and tucked into bed with Wild, I feel okay. Just okay.