I woke this morning at 4:30 a.m. with anxiety prevailing over depression for the first time in a long time. I asked myself, what does this part of me need? No answer came. I am left with my fallback, positive self talk: I have the tools and skills to deal with difficult situations.
Yesterday a nine year old child asked me how many kids I have? I hesitated, then replied, "Two." Luckily there was no follow-up, it is not for her to bear one bit of my sorrow. It seems there will now always be a hesitation with that question, the weighing of the relationship, how much depth I want to go into at that moment, how much of myself am I willing to share, what am I feeling in that moment? I have felt for awhile that I am existing on a whole other level than everyone else. I have no name for this.
I've been poking around the Internet and found this blog:
https://chasinghissunshine.com/
It's insane how many feelings are shared between a mother losing a child at two weeks and another at 27 years. I love her poem from the perspective of the lost child. It's funny-serendipitous that I find a poem right after writing my first poem. The prayer flags are beautiful and an idea I had never heard of. It looks like a project right up my alley.
http://kangaroospotting.blogspot.com/2015/09/how-to-support-someone-who-lost-child.html
My niece Dawn wrote this blog entry in September 2015. Re-reading it today, takes on a whole new meaning and depth. What a perceptive and eloquent woman she is.
I just saw two robins flitting around, mating (?) behind a board Pat had leaned up against the garage. Maybe that's what I needed, to think about new life beginning, always beginning again.
2 comments:
I'm glad you found Robyna's blog- chasing his sunshine. She is a truly beautiful person and I'm lucky to have met her through my blogging community. I hope it makes you feel less alone. <3
I was asked by one of the boys on my Pony league baseball team how many boys do you have? I proudly said 3 and went on to describe them and their interests. He said one of them coached me a few years ago. I really liked him but we lost a lot of games. Another player new of my recent unfortunate circumstances and quietly talked to others about it. The reaction of the others after this was very mature. They showed empathy and cared about what I expressed. It was very cool. I will always be a parent of 3 boys. That will never change. I am proud of how we raised them!
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