Another Monday

I might not be the only one feeling off today. Deflated, achey, down. Thinking things like, he'll never read another book, he'll never go to work, he'll never watch Making a Murderer or assess James Franco's performance in 11.22.63. I'll never get to hug his skinny frame, see him walk in in new sneakers*, find his balled up socks by the couch, make him 2 grilled cheeses at odd hours. Sometimes I think I have been too blunt, too direct, not emotional enough. My emotions feel buried deep inside so that I am able to go on but it's getting tiring. I have to remind myself what I tell my clients. There are no wrong feelings. No wrong responses. Yeah, right.

I no longer wake up crying, more just thinking. Before work I washed up some of Adam's clothes. We have pretty much dispersed his things to family members and friends but there were a couple of shirts I thought the boys might want, plus I wanted to return his work uniforms to Little Saigon. Why?? I figure that's one less thing someone has to buy; they could just hang them up for people to wear if they forget or spill something if no one needs them. So I am taking them out of the dryer to put on hangers and out falls a $20 bill. Grab another shirt and out falls another $20 bill. I wonder how he knew I spent all my cash this weekend. Later on I pull out the rest of the clothes, a third $20 bill for Pat.

We gave some of Adam's coats** to his old boss/friend Mike, and he stopped by wearing one of his coats, and handed us a set of keys from the pocket.

Adam with an early grilled cheese smile

*Adam had no less than 10 pairs of new and like-new sneakers.

**Adam had multiple coats; apparently he was known to bet coats when out with friends (Fight Club?).

I am not ashamed or stigmatized by what has happened. I'm just getting tired.