As things and life adjust to the "new normal" I want to share my first thoughts after hearing of Adam's death. This was written in a hotel room in Bloomington-Normal the night of the day that everything changed. I went to work today and went all day without crying, and it almost feels disrespectful to his memory. So here goes:
How many did times did I play this scenario out or wonder how anyone could go through such a thing? Not what I thought would happen in the middle of a counseling session on a Tuesday at 2:30 p.m. on 2-2-2016.
Now here I sit on the floor of the bathroom in a hotel in Blo-No feeling less connected to my emotions than I did when a friend's child died of suicide or overdose. I truly thought the first bad thing to happen to me would be my dad dying. There's a weird feeling that I brought this on by imagining what it would be like to lose a child in the past.
I'm glad we came here to be with the boys who have never experienced a trauma either. We are a solid unit and my biggest fear is that he felt on the outside of that. He was my best boy (just a nickname I gave him as a baby). He was in my life longer than anyone outside of my mom, dad, brother and sister. His favorite movie as a two year old was "Bull Durham" (he loved the Clown Prince of Baseball), which Pat coined his nickname "Nuke" from. He loved the Ninja Turtles, Hey Arnold, Terminator 2, and the various Star Trek series as he got older. Well, technically Pat let him watch T2 when he was 3 and he was enamored of it. One of the first presents Pat got Adam was the "30 dollar gun" (water of course). This was the opposite of the way Bill and I had tried to raise Adam with regard to violence. Since we had a "no gun" policy up until we split up, Adam once resorted to chewing his toast into the shape of a gun. I disgress...
This has not sunk in. It comes and goes, the disbelief and numbness vs. emotion. I don't think I have let go yet. Bill actually put it well tonight when he said it was difficult for Adam to be Adam. He said he knew was troubled for a long time. I think Adam could have used writing to process his emotions and perhaps he did, but it wasn't enough.
We had a good year. More visits, better talks, shared books (he got me into Stephen King: 11-22-63, Dr. Sleep). Why this day? Why now? Why did he have to do this? Why couldn't he ask for help?
3 comments:
Truly raw emotions... I hope you can someday accept never knowing why...and don't dwell on the feeling that it was somehow your fault because it wasn't. I love you, my friend. Stay strong.
So many memories you brought up. I remember taking him to a Ninja Turtle movie when he was young. The line was long and most kids were impatient, whining, bugging their Moms for candy and popcorn. Adam stood quietly, patiently. I knelt beside him and thanked him for being so patient. He looked quizzically at me and said something to the effect that he will get to see the movie and it will make it better having waited in line. Wow--stunning for a kid of about four. He was always thoughtful and seemed to understand things so well, but I always wanted him to be more joyful. Although he was pretty joyful when I challenged him to a footrace when he was about 8 and he kicked my ass. Then I knew I was old.
My husband and I just watched the 11-22-63 series on Hulu. That's ironic.
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