Visit to a Psychic

 You know when you really get your hopes up and can’t wait to do something, and then it falls short? That’s the deal with Cal’s and my reading with Vicki on July 3^rd. I do want to say, though, I’m glad we went, it had some value, and we enjoyed our time together. So, if I sound negative, that was not my overall feeling.

Why were my hopes so high? Previous experience with psychics/mediums has been good or great. This woman was highly recommended by a friend of Adam’s where he came through crystal clear for her. And the setting was Gibson City, the town where Cal did his student teaching the fall after Adam’s death. His supervising teacher, Robbie, lost his brother, Adam, to suicide that Labor Day weekend. That’s too many coincidences to not have meaning. We were going to lunch with Robbie after our visit with Vicki so that was just a great topper to the day. I feel I went with a really open mind and heart.

Adam’s friend T. had told me about the gestures that Vicki channeled (she called it something else, mimicking maybe- she would say “he’s doing this” and then copy it). Vicki started our session with clutching her heart, the same thing she did for T. This was my dad who passed in 2020. Most of the session was spent there, I cynically believe because she thought that’s why we came. She asked if our maintenance lights were coming on (no), and said he had travelled with us to Gibson City that morning. She asked if we were discussing a big decision for Cal. We said no, but in retrospect it could have been that we talked about Cal getting his Master’s degree at some point in the future. She indicated my dad would weigh in on this, and he definitely would encourage that for Cal.

She described my dad as having “spunk,” not a word I would associate with him. She gestured him snapping his suspenders (a hard no, though he did wear red suspenders when dressing up). She said he was appearing about 45 years old in the prime of life and had a full head of hair, like he had lost it in his old age. Okay, this was the same scenario she told T. about her dad, minus the hair, but my dad never lost his hair. Cal and I just looked at each other like, “What??” She said he blew us a kiss (this came up for T., too) which my dad would never do. When we looked appalled she goes, “Yeah, it’s awkward for him, but he did it.” She said something about him eating a cheeseburger (not something he loved or ever really ate), and a dog. Absolutely not. My dad never had a dog, never ate a dog, and in fact hated dogs.

Next, she went on this whole thing about his mother, as if this was some special grandma to me. She said I had or would be getting something special from her.* I said probably not. She asked if I could smell her special cooking. This grandma was not a good cook, and I don’t remember anything special about her cooking except she made fudge out of mashed potatoes once.

Some things that rang true for my dad, although for most 88 year old grandfathers, yes? He was so proud of Cal and his sports (Cal was wearing sports gear), he was afraid of getting Alzheimer’s, Cal is better in sports than he was, Grandma shuffles her feet and he worries about her falling, and did I have something special in his writing? Yes, a visible tattoo. We talked about the cardinal being my dad’s sign from the other side. She said spirits don’t enter the animal but can control what they do. I told her about the cardinal in the road on Betsy’s and my way to the lake. She said he’s not very good at it yet, and he’s glad we didn’t hit it.

More spot off comments: he gestured with Popeye arms, that he would leave money in books, watch for a tree limb over the house. These were also things she told T. or pretty darn close. She said he dressed really nice and had lots of shoes. Not my dad at all.

Cal enjoyed a tangent Vicki went on about Cal and Gramps having a past life together, brothers perhaps. She felt like Cal was a Prince. She was seeing a Norse guide or something in Scandinavia. She said Dad would throw us coins. She did say Dad and Cal had a special relationship and that made him feel good. She said Gramps kept holding up two fingers together. I’ve never seen my dad do that.

Finally, after a long time she goes, “Is there anyone else you want to hear from?” after telling us in the beginning the room was full of people. We explained about our son/brother’s death by suicide. She kept seeing an Rx bottle, same as T. I endorsed that there were drugs in his system but he died by shooting himself. She said some things that I believe would be true for anyone who died by suicide, and things she thought would make us feel better. She said he called for help, but his friends blew it off. She called his friends “not stellar people” and that they gave him the “cocktail” that altered his mind and caused him to have crazy thoughts and kill himself. I have to say I was a little disturbed by this. I have come to know many of Adam’s college friends after his death and believe they are great, caring people. I don’t think any of them would try to hurt him, and I believe he made his own decisions about what to put into his body.

Vicki talked about Adam having a list of things to be accountable for. He never felt worthy. She said he was helping other spirits like him to redeem himself. This was mentioned by another psychic, and I couldn’t help but think of his friend Devin who died by overdose last year. She said he used to blame others and thought he was a disappointment. She said my dad was relieved Adam was there when he transitioned. She said Adam was a good kid who kept people at bay. He’s sorry about killing himself; it’s not what he wanted. It wasn’t planned but a chemical reaction caused by the drugs he took. She said he was soaring high, and if we see a shooting star, that’s him.

We probably shouldn’t have, but we tested her on a couple of things, and she had no clue. I’d have rather her say, “that’s not coming through” or “that’s not how this works” than to make a wrong guess, which she did. I guess that would have seemed more genuine.

Things she said to look for: something touching Cal’s hair, seeing something in Cal’s peripheral vision, Grandpa wanting Cal to get new shoes. She said he would touch my forehead while I’m sleeping (told T. a similar thing). The next day Cal reported a few happenings: he felt something in his hair (a bug), he did see movement in his peripheral vision that he never noticed before, and his friend David asked his shoe size and said he had a pair that size for Cal. I also found coins on the grass at our campsite as the family was all sitting around together talking about this. One other uncanny thing happened the week after our visit. I grabbed a clock from my mom’s house that I had been eyeing for my office. As I was driving home, I knew but suddenly realized, this was a clock that was bought in memory of dad’s mom after she died (it hung at the community theater until it recently closed and my mom brought it home), and it is inscribed with her name. I think this was the gift from my grandma Vicki was referring to. Well, that’s what I choose to believe, why else would I choose that day to take it rather than waiting until we moved back into our old office like I had originally planned.

Yeah, and why was her name Vicki, and my last name was “Vick.”

Sensory Walk

 One component of self-compassion can be savoring. Savoring is the sensual sister of gratitude. Today after creativity group, we took a Sense and Savor Walk. Lakeview is the perfect spot for such a walk, 10 or 15 minutes to walk around and be drawn into whatever ignites your senses. 

I began by ambling towards a decaying stump, a visually interesting starting point. Inside I found a whole world living and growing. Ruffled layers of off-white fungi curled inside the log, reminding me of rich layers of frosting. Spiderwebs were evident in spots, and then a daddy long legs crawled up from beneath the rotting fronds. Ants were busy making whatever it is ants make. 

I moved along towards a rather new bridge I had noticed on previous visits. Never once had I thought, what is underneath, that this bridge is bridging (3 billygoats gruff?)? Well, what do you know? an adorable bubbling creek. There was a gorgeous dragonfly and a sparkling insect shimmering like gold. Some seeded scat on the planks kept me from lying down and hanging my head close to the water. 

On I trailed along the creek noting an old honey locust tree, with dried pods hanging from it. That struck me as unusual.  My back was warmed by the sun and it felt like a gentle massage. Up ahead I spotted the bee keeping area, fenced off complete with warning sign. Leave those bees alone! As I got closer one bee buzzed loudly around my head and I heeded its warning, veering up the green, lush hill towards a stand of bushes and trees. Delicate white flowers were teaming with flying insects. One honey bee was frantically skittering around, while the smaller bugs were daintily dipping. Another honey locust tree was devoid of pods. 

Back to our starting point, we shared our experiences, and I took a few notes. Selectively attending to positive experiences did indeed feel good, relaxing. I don't normally linger in nature, soaking in the small details of the natural world. As A. said, there's a lot going on out here!  

I will enthusiastically agree with Emily Dickinson who wrote, "To live is so startling, it leaves little room for other occupations." I will try to carry this into a new week with me. 

A Sunday Fourth

 Who gets up at 1:45 a.m. and makes Barf Balls (aka No-Bake Cookies) at 3:30 a.m. Raises hand. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea??

The barf balls are a treat for Cal to take on the road today. My intention was to teach him how to make them yesterday, but I got too busy. Started the morning with a wonderful weigh in. Could be due to proper elimination. Paddle boarding at Spring Lake and a leisurely ride-about in a rented pontoon. Home to prepare some food for the evening's festivities at Camp Rock, Chris' RV spot at Argyle Lake. I've always taken for granted these two nice resources we have within 10 miles of home. But, they are to be appreciated when you need a staycation with a little spice. 

After dining, the second round of Bags commenced with Toni vowing to stay 100% sober to vie for the Title of Champion. Chuck replaced Eli as my partner, and though he has some skills, we were not competitive whatsoever. Cal and Emery were victorious in two matches against Chris and Toni, once again, much to Chris' chagrin. 

Bags and more

 What a crazy few days it's been. Last evening was the topper (so far). We had a bags tourney extraordinaire. Eli and me vs. Cal and Emery vs. Chris and Toni in a double elimination format. Don't ask me what that is; all I know is we lost the first match against Cal and Emery 21-1 and still had a chance to come back. Our second match vs. Chris and Toni, I notched a couple of "corn holes" and earned the nickname Suzi Buckets. We lost 20-7 or something like that. By the last match up (obviously, we didn't make it there), the entire Fam had formed a cheering section for their favorites and it was exciting beyond exciting. Cal became Baby Buckets and Emery was the surprise Ace, who kept up with the Wily Veteran Chris, eventually taking home the invisible trophy and bragging rights for next year- or 4th of July.

Sibs just wanna have fun

Good sportsmanship is always appreciated

We had so many laughs- one of the most raucous was Betsy's failed attempt at taking a panoramic picture of everyone, which contorted Eli's face in a most uproarious way. 

Solitude

 I have had a lousy sleeping (or non-sleeping) pattern lately. But this early morning, I took a break from my usual busyness that afflicts me at 1-2-3 a.m., and ate a cinnamon roll and had coffee on the front porch at 3:30 a.m. It was raining, and just the most peaceful, quiet feeling. I decided that I can eat sweets and decadent foods if they are really, really good, and Aly's cinnamon rolls are really, really good. So I savored the roll and the rain and my thoughts. Never mind, I had indulged in Aly's unbelievable lemon cake layers, filled with strawberry compote and lemon cream cheese buttercream, iced with vanilla swiss meringue buttercream just hours earlier (har har).

This peaceful early morning time is needed since I have been so surrounded by people non-stop since June 16. Six days in a car, sleeping in a room, and gathering with extended family members I have not seen in decades, or am just meeting. It takes a lot out of me. I had one walk by myself in those six days. When I got home, I went straight back to work, and some of my houseguests were here, and will be here until July 8th or 9th. That's 23 days out of my normally serene and slow lifestyle. I love and want them here dearly, but I crave and need my alone time, so here I am. 

Eli just came downstairs, fearing someone was breaking or wandering into the house. I told him this is a regular pattern for me, and I will probably go back to sleep in a bit and have some interesting caffeine induced dreams. 

My creative juices are flowing, and I think that wakes me up, too. I was inspired on my trip by some small local businesses that have the feel I am drawn to. If nobody took risks, nothing would ever get done. Creatives would not create, niches would not be found, positive energies would not flow out and spark new energy. 

Challenges and Opportunities

 I was able to start my creativity group and have had two meetings so far. My expectations have been exceeded. Six women attended the first group, 3 for the second. I have heard interest from others who were invited. People are busy, and summer is vacation time for many. That's why I am excited to have had as many come as did. I know I am starting to explore my creativity in a different way, mentally. 

I'm a little disappointed that my goal of 50% BIPOC was not met. I think I can grow my relationships in this area in other ways. I just have to set my intentions and take the risks. I have started this process. 

I am happy to be where I am in life. The obstacles I imagine do not have to hold me back. My artist's date to Springfield was satisfying and poignant. I thought of the many places and times I had with Adam in the city, and how that day was his birthday, and we should have been together. I broke down after picking up my food at Little Saigon. It was one of the best ways to honor him on the day he started his life on earth. 

Adam, friends and his dad, Bill, 6/5/14 Hot Pot

Hannah, Eli at church in Gainesville, Easter, 2019

Cal with Guatamalan toddler, January 2016

I don't know if there's been a Mother's Day like this, none of my children home, none in Illinois. I did hear from them and feel their love. It was a blessed day as I got to spend time with my mom, too. 

I'm continuing my heavy reading in the morning. Dr. Glaude talks about the Legacy Museum and National Memorial for Peace and Justice as part of the new way to "begin again." 

In the afternoons I'm blowing through books by Louise Erdrich and Alicia Keys. I'm mulling over my own creative processes, longing for more. Life is exciting and wondrous when you open your eyes and allow it. 

 

Stuck in Time

 

I hate that Adam is stuck in 2016, no pictures, no talk, only possible signs and feelings. Something in a book reminded me of standing on our porch, facing north in June, a spectacular electrical show in the sky. No thunder, only crackling strands of lightning dancing in the night. We shared this moment together and even at the time I knew it was special. 

Dorothy Counts

 

I'm reading a borrowed book, and continuing my education and understanding of where we stand in this moment in time in America. The author tells the story of Dorothy Counts at 15 years old, in 1957, a freshman in high school, who was one of four students to first desegregate Harding High School in Charlotte, NC. She was greeted with screaming, racist insults, spit, and items thrown at her for nearly two blocks. Inside the building was not safe either. Can you imagine sending your child into this nightmare so that change may begin? Not blaming the parents. Admiring Dorothy and her parents for the courage and strength in this unfathomable situation. 

A piece of history I was not taught. In 1957, two years before my brother was born, 5 years before I was born. How can this be? 

Day 21 Take Action in the Your Area

 I have been putting off this last reflection because perhaps it requires action and commitment, two things I'm again afraid of failing at. I have also been wrestling with anxiety over the Derek Chauvin murder trial and the fear that somehow this vile man is going to get away with murder. I'm not so much worried about the worldwide reaction if he is acquitted, but the message that would send, and the further schism in this country that may result; larger than the Grand Canyon, wider than the Mississippi, and greater than the Great Lakes. I don't think I'm being dramatic. 

My action points are to build a more diverse circle around me and speak up and out more when something is wrong or I don't agree. 

I completed the One Human Family survey (passive) feeling I didn't contribute much. 

Day 20 Final Reflections

 REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

1. What is my race and how has it impacted my life? How does my race allow me to have higher social capital or privilege in certain environments, or vice versa? 

2. What were some of my assumptions about race and racial inequity before I started this 21-day challenge? In what ways have these assumptions been challenged? In what ways have they been reinforced? 

3. Where have I seen evidence of inequities and systemic and structural racism in my community? 

4. What two to three shifts, changes or actions, can I take to create a more inclusive and equitable environment in my home, workplace, and community? 

1. I've always considered my race White or Caucasian, European American ethnicity. My place of privilege has meant I have not had to consider my race on a daily basis, have not been discriminated against because of it, and been privy to walking through any doors I have chosen to, without a thought.

However, I have never done a DNA test, but am curious to know if there are some other races mixed in. I would be delighted to find African, Asian or Indigenous bloodlines in my DNA.

2. I've had moments of awakening in the past: attending my first Juneteenth celebration in Denver, CO in 1986 and being in the minority for the first time in my life; taking a gay male colleague to a local diner, and suddenly wondering if he felt uncomfortable. The challenge definitely got me thinking about how ubiquitous racial inequality is. I realized that it's something some people don't have the luxury of ignoring.

3. Everywhere: I see people of color working mainly low wage jobs in food service. Mostly white county board, police force, fire department.

4. Bring up the conversation. Challenge what I disagree with. Call out wrongness.

Day 18 and 19

 You are an ally if you seek to understand what it feels like for another person or group to be oppressed, and despite knowing you will never fully understand how it feels, you are committed to valuing and supporting people who are marginalized. 

 2020 has been a very divisive year, one reason for the formation of the local One Human Family chapter, the sponsor of this 21 day racial equity challenge. 

A new term to me, "asset-framing" uses narratives to change the unconscious associations ingrained in our society. The opposite practice of deficit-framing, or defining people by their challenges, encourages continued stigmatization of groups of individuals. 

The above are some quotes from the material provided on the topics of allyship and the racial equity change process. Fancy ways of saying, I support my fellow humans who have been marginalized, and I will work for change out in the world.

I have already failed. An opportunity for me to speak up at a staff meeting when a weakness was identified as lack of diversity amongst us. The leader and others concluded aloud there is nothing we can do about this, I think implying we don't get diverse applicants to apply. Everything in me wanted to cry out, that's not the answer. I don't have the answer/s but that's not good enough. But my little mind didn't let me speak up. My fear held me back. Would they argue, demand I give the answers I'm not sure of? I had nothing to lose, and yet I was silent. How many times has a person who has been marginalized been silent or silenced, when I of privilege am afraid to speak up?

I don't like confronting this reality, but this is where I am at.

DAY 17: Building a Race Equity Culture

 One Human Family, who has sponsored and organized this racial equity challenge, sure has pulled together a lot of resources. Today's challenge is about making the workplace more inclusive. I didn't think I had much influence on hiring practices, but I can make sure all feel welcomed- parents who need time off for their kids, people with disabilities, black and brown co-workers and clients. 

DAY 16: Equity & The LGBTQI+ Community

 Another topic I know something about. Intersectionality is a term used when a person has more than one identity that is subject to discrimination. For example, Black trans female, or a person who is disabled and also happens to be Latinx. 

One interesting question I got from the following video about how to be an ally was to examine what your intention is in being an ally.

I really have to put on my thinking cap for this one. I have been drawn to the LGBTQ community for a long time. I have been eager to attend trainings, educate myself, work, and befriend persons from this particular minority group. Maybe it's my love of the underdog. Maybe it's because of my own internal struggles that I can relate. 

This video explains why pronouns are important. 

This has come into focus in my personal life as a close family member has come out as non-binary. I get frustrated with arguments against using the pronouns "they, them, theirs." Just do it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If we are uncomfortable, imagine what it's like to be the person who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold of society. 

DAY 15: Adverse Childhood Experiences

 Finally, I know something about: ACES. And I am caught up on my challenges. 

Adverse Childhood Experiences are measured by how many of 10 factors you experienced as a child. The more you have, the worse physical and mental health outcomes you will experience over your lifetime. The interesting thing is, the original study was done on college educated persons who had health insurance. You can find your ACES score here: https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores. Things like parent separation or divorce, parent in prison, parent alcoholic or mentally ill, physical abuse, and witness to domestic violence are some of the questions. 

I have read Nadine Burke Harris' book The Deepest Well and watched her Ted Talks. I highly recommend them if you want to understand how impactful trauma is on humans. 

I also love the idea of resilience:

Building Resilience

 
The habits, practices, and cognitive strategies featured above are key to building resilience.
[View a larger version of the Resilience Pyramid]
 

Everyone faces challenges and hardship at times.

Resilience is your ability to cope with and bounce back from stress and adversity, and hopefully even grow through the experience. It is sometimes referred to as “thriving” … and not just surviving.

Resilient people are more likely to ...

• meet the demands of their academic/work and personal lives successfully
• take action to deal with challenges, problems, and setbacks
• seek support and assistance when they need it
• know when to stop, rest, and replenish inner resources
• have a sense of independence, self-efficacy, and self-worth
• form and maintain positive, mutually-respectful relationships with others
• have a sense of purpose and goals for the future

Resilience is not a fixed state. You may be more resilient at different times in your life than others. Most importantly, resilience can be learned, practiced, developed, and strengthened.

DAY 14: Education & School-Aged Children

 Did you have teachers who looked like you? Did you have toys and books that looked like you? What messages were you taught about race? How did those messages compare to what you saw around you?

I'm not really into reading a bunch of statistics, so for today's challenge I will just journal on the prompts above that were given.

Scratch that. I looked at the stats for my local school district and the surrounding schools, and see that only my area had enough (more than 10) Black students to report on. That was kind of shocking in 2021. Only one district (not mine) had enough Hispanic students to report on. Both groups performed less well on state testing. No percent of the Black or Hispanic students exceeded standards on English or math. There's obviously a lot of work to do here.

Anecdotally, my son reports that his primarily Black students perform better in math than English.

DAY 13: Behind the Starting Line — Racialized Outcomes in Early Childhood

 Have you heard the brew-ha about Illinois' new culturally responsive teaching standards? OMG, another example of backlash against the BLM movement, in my humble opinion. Why are all these White people getting their pants in a bunch over teacher education programs opening eyes to differences they are going to encounter in their teaching career? If a White student was in a predominantly Black school with all Black teachers, wouldn't you want them to have an understanding of your child's background? 

Quality early childhood education is known to increase future school success, and you're probably not surprised to hear that more Black pre-schoolers are suspended from school than their White counterparts. And over-identified for special education. 

DAY 12: The Racial Wealth Gap

Doing this racial equity work is exhausting. It makes me wonder how BIPOC (Black and Indigenous People of Color) feel and how they become successful with the odds stacked against them. There are many who do, so why do we stereotype them as people who are not successful. 

There are both gaps in income and wealth. Some explanations have been previously mentioned such as home ownership. Whites own more stocks, other real estate and businesses, which are riskier but have higher average returns over time. Whites have better jobs that offer pensions and long term saving and investing opportunities. 

Here's another factor I had not thought about:

The magnitudes of differences in inheritances have been found to be large. Avery and Rendall (2002) use the 1989 SCF to document that far fewer black households reported receiving an inheritance than whites and that, of those who did, the average value was about five times smaller than that of their white counterparts.

DAY 11: What is Environmental Racism?

 People of color disproportionately live in neighborhoods with environmental hazards. And no one cares enough to fix them, the people with the resources, that is. Think Flint, Michigan and the lead problem. I also read that in poor neighborhoods in New York City, there are less trash bins on the street because the city doesn't want to pick them up. So there is more garbage on the streets. 

Day 10 How Your Race Affects Your Health

 I have heard the disparities in health between White and Black folk. I am aware of the stereotypes that lower income people eat a less healthy diet. Maybe this is because in urban areas, there aren't good grocery stores where fresh foods can be purchased. I know the food pantry I volunteered at passed out canned and processed food, because it kept on the shelf. There was talk of improving the nutritional value at one point and pancakes and syrup were removed as staples. I think this is changing in my community because bountiful Victory Gardens were started around town last year, and the food delivery program is able to deliver more fresh and frozen foods, thus improving the quality. 

Maybe there are less doctors working with POC or in communities where they live. This brings me to COVID and data is pretty clear that Blacks are dying at higher rates than their White counterparts. In spite of this, there is some understandable fear among certain groups about taking a new vaccine. This dates back the known studies Blacks were unknowingly involved in including the  Tuskegee study and the case Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cells were used in perpetuity without her knowledge or consent. I wasn't able to finish the book that was written on this, but I find it curious how Johns Hopkins University spins her legacy:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/henriettalacks/

If that isn't systemic racism (lack of acknowledgement or remorse for a wrongdoing towards a Black woman) I don't know what is. The first paragraph contains the following: At the time, The Johns Hopkins Hospital was one of only a few hospitals to treat poor African-Americans. This was the best medical treatment available. Way to legitimize what you did! 

Postscript: If I had actually listened to the suggested Ted Talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/david_r_williams_how_racism_makes_us_sick) I would have had a better understanding on this topic. Racism itself causes health problems. Dr. Williams found a way to measure discrimination and found that the more acts of racism the person was exposed to, the more health problems and earlier death.  Racism causes stress and mental health issues which lead to poor health. Discrimination in health care exists as well, so that POC get lesser quality health care

Day 9 Racial Disparities in Homelessness and Housing

Consider the data — in McDonough County:

• 23.3% of the population lives in poverty.  

• African Americans make up about 4.7% of the general population but represent 53.77% of Macomb citizens living in poverty. 

One factor in homelessness is called network impoverishment. Network impoverishment is when you live in predominantly poor neighborhoods or when you don't have people with resources who can help you when you have a financial emergency. POC have less accumulated wealth. Traditionally this has been rooted in home ownership. So if you don't have your own emergency fund, and don't have family or friends who can help you out, chances are higher you will end up homeless if a medical emergency, layoff, pandemic, etc. happens.

I was technically homeless with a young child once in 1991. I moved in with somebody temporarily and stayed for 30 years. I wasn't overly worried, well maybe I was, about staying homeless, because I knew my parents would always help me out, and often did. I just hated asking. Economic security is something I probably take for granted, but try not to. I have spent most of my career working with people at or below the poverty line, so I have seen firsthand what homelessness and housing insecurity looks like.

Day 7 and 8

  ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed) is a new term to me, and I am shocked (?) to know the county I live in has a higher ALICE rate than surrounding counties, which seem poorer on the surface (don't have a large university, appear to have less business, more people walking around that look down and out). Maybe the key word here is Employed. This group is identified as earning over the Federal Poverty Level, but not enough to cover the basic cost of living. And remember, the cost of living in central Illinois is pretty low, despite the way people complain about taxes.

Perhaps our county has a disproportionate number of underemployed and underpaid workers. Not surprising this hits POC harder.

Segregation is still a thing. I don't see it as much as it probably exists. In housing for sure, as the lower your income the fewer options you have with regard to housing. Our public schools are combined attendance centers so everyone attends the same schools according to grade level. This presumably evens the playing field in education. However, I have anecdotal information that some children are treated differently and they happen to be Black.

Day 6 Levels of Racism

 Since I have been aware but  not really thought about my role in the levels of racism, I will briefly summarize my understanding. 

Individual forms of racism include internalized racism which is what we feel inside about race, including POC who may begin to believe they are inferior because of experiences and attitudes that put down their race. Interpersonal racism is what we encounter between individuals. Most media and discussion focuses on these more easily understood and seen forms of racism. 

Focusing on the individuals negates the presence of institutional and structural racism. These are the systemic forms of racism that keep certain groups out of housing, educational, and occupational settings. Just because we had a Black president or some POC are successful doesn't mean everyone has the same opportunities or doesn't encounter barriers White people never think about. Even though anti-discrimination laws are in effect it doesn't eliminate subtle forms of voter suppression, hiring practices, educational and economic disparities, health outcomes, the list goes on. 

Just in my work world, there are no people of color in my department and few throughout the organization. None in senior leadership, heck that is heavily male dominated, too. 

DAY 5 The Impact of Racial Trauma on Black, Indigenous and other People of Color

 My vacation derailed my work on the racial equity challenge. Again, I have the privilege of putting race issues on hold while I frolic about having fun. 

The Day 5 challenge deals with oppression, internalized racism, mental health, and imposter syndrome to name a few. A few personal thoughts as I read through the materials provided:

I've never worried about walking down the street, in the street, or riding my bike and being stopped and asked for ID. I have been aware for decades that this happens to POC. Our own police chief made a public comment not that long ago about people who live in "this" community need to follow the norms, like using sidewalks. I've lived in "this" community most of my life, and I walk in the street and "jaywalk" whenever I please.  There was a study done about what happens when a White man walks down the street carrying a legal weapon, and what happens to a Black man doing the same thing. I'm sure you know the results. When I have been stopped by police while driving, I usually get a warning. I've never been searched, made to lie on the ground, had a gun pulled on me, or God forbid shot. 

While reading the article, "The Link Between Racism and PTSD" I thought of my son's new friend, Brandon, whom I met in Florida. Cal had been telling us about his friend who lives next door, and I saw him leaving his apartment one day, and I cheerfully asked if he was Brandon and introduced myself. He looked startled when I knew his name. He later joked to Cal that he thought I was the FBI. Cal told us he is into guns and likes having an apartment that faces the parking lot so he can monitor who is coming and going. Brandon happens to be Black. The article helped me understand that being a Black male he has undoubtedly experienced a multitude of racist acts on the high end, and microaggressions, on the lower end, which can result in PTSD symptoms and even paranoia. 

Day 4 White Fragility

I took the White Fragility quiz by Beacon Press. No, I have not read the book below. 

 Your score is 10 or below. You exhibit some white fragility traits.

Don't worry, we all do to some degree. This quiz has helped you identify underlying assumptions that you hold about race that engender these feelings, behaviors, and claims you make when confronted. What can you do now? You should read Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism to learn what you can do to engage more constructively.

Today's readings on Common Racist Attitudes and Behaviors made me aware that throwing up my hands or giving up is not an option for people of color. It shouldn't be an option for me. I'm also prone to silence, as I value acceptance and not speaking my mind is complicit agreement. 

Day 3 What is Privilege

 I took the privilege self-assessment and shared with my siblings and spouse. I scored 61 out of 100 privilege points. Many of the non-privileges I have come from being female, however being a cisgender, straight female has many privileges. I didn't necessarily have an economically or financially privileged upbringing, though it wasn't poverty. My parents say we were close to the poverty line, but they always prioritized saving and investing. They lived well below their means and still do. Some of the items on the assessment reminded me of difficult times I went through, that I have minimized as a coping mechanism, but have ultimately made me stronger. 

I've had the feeling most of my life that I have slid under the radar. Of course, my Whiteness in a Midwestern town allows this to happen. The last few years I have been speaking out more on something I unfortunately learned about first hand: being a suicide loss survivor. I just don't feel the confidence to speak out about racism and sexism in the same way. I am grateful to those who do, and am happy to support them. One thing this racial equity challenge suggested is simply saying, "That's wrong" when I encounter offensive behavior or words. I'll let you know how that goes. 

Day 2 Understanding and Reflecting on Our Bias

 I took the Implicit Association Test (IAT) for trans/cisgender and Biden/Reagan. While I like to think my attitudes are on the "right" (or left) side, the quizzes show my bias is ingrained heavily in me. I scored in the range of moderately favoring Cisgender people and moderately favoring Biden over Reagan. I honestly thought my disdain for Reagan would play out as more pronounced. Just goes to show you we can't shed our skin as easily as we thought. 

I know a White person who tries to be open and non-judgmental, but always brings up the same examples from their experience that they think goes against stereotypes but in fact reinforces the blinders of White Privilege. Not that I do any better. 

It's honestly uncomfortable to face this idea that I am hurting people unintentionally. But this just proves the fact that our culture is so systemically biased that we Whites can't begin to know how to dismantle it. That's why it bothers me when White people are leading anti-racist movements and purporting to speak for Black Americans. 

It almost makes me want to throw up my hands and not even try. When I saw the list of other IAT quizzes I was terrified to take the ones dealing with race. I vaguely remember taking one years (?) ago and the results were not flattering. 

Maybe I can just continue to learn and grow. I know I want to advocate and support but it's pretty clear I am bound to fail. 

21-Day Racial Equity Challenge

 Day 1: Personal Racial Identity

• When did you first become aware of your racial identity?
• What messages did you learn about race from your school and family? Did they align with what you’ve seen in your life?
• When has how others perceived your racial identity affected how they treat you?

 

I probably never thought about my racial identity until college. Until then, I considered myself “normative,” “American,” “Mid-Western” etc.

 

It was always understood in my family to never use the N-word. My parents enjoyed entertaining college students from different backgrounds and rented a room to a female student who was Black. I never thought anything of it. My brother had Black friends, but I did not. Looking back, I have tried to “justify” this by confirming that there were no Black girls in my grade in elementary school, even though my school was the most diverse with the possible exception of the University lab school. I checked my senior class, and there were no Black girls among a class of 220. Obviously, the majority were White. There were boys my age who were Black, and I considered them cool, nice, athletic and normal. I don’t remember witnessing any overt racism, though I likely would not have recognized it (?).

 

My parents have recounted the racism they encountered when they moved to our small town, including a real estate agent who tried to steer them away from certain neighborhoods, and when they did pick a house, told them they would want to move “up” at some point (they never did). They wanted us to stay in the school with the lowest socio-economic students even when we could have gone to another elementary because they liked the teachers.

 

I don’t  think anyone ever treated me differently because of my race, but I wondered on the inside if anyone resented me for being White. I remember seeing a book called “Black Like Me” around my house, and I’ve wondered what it would be like to be Black. I remember movies like “Lillies of the Valley” and “To Sir With Love” and thought Sidney Portier was very handsome, but I didn’t know what the big deal was about.

 

Feb. 2, 2021

 

This struck me at just the right time. It hits the right note of how I am feeling these days. Funny how true when they say the lead up to the anniversary of a death is heavier than the actual day. 

Self Help

I have been on this self-help journey a long, long time. I've had professional help, too. And I've had teachers who were friends, historical figures, authors, family members, community leaders, and just plain ordinary people going about their lives. I get inspiration all around me. My journals, pictures, scrapbooks, and blogs are my records of this journey. 

To live my best life, as we say nowadays, I've decided is internal. It's not where I go or what I do. It's how I feel inside and almost 58 years into this, I'm starting to get it. I don't try to push away the rough spots (well, yes I do but I'm working on this). Honestly, it's harder to stay in the moment when I should be "happy." 

I saw this cool sticker that goes with the photo above. 

When I took the Covid vaccine, I thought, if something happens to me, I've had a good life. I can truly say I gave it my all. 

Marian Anderson

I saw the story below on the public radio newsletter page and remembered how my dad fondly recalled seeing Marian Anderson live in person in Japan when he was serving in the Korean conflict. I think it was one of the biggest thrills of his life.  

Hey everyone, enjoy your day!

From “Ten Great Classical Music Moments in America” by Kyle MacMillan

(This seems rather timely, and is reprinted with kind permission from Listen magazine, published by Steinway & Sons)

Marian Anderson performed before seventy-five thousand people at the Lincoln Memorial in what has been called the first-ever public protest concert in America. Such a singular venue and mammoth crowd would have made this an important concert no matter what, but the circumstances surrounding it added to its gravity. Howard University in Washington, D.C., wanted to present the singer in concert, but did not have a venue large enough. So, it tried to rent Constitution Hall but was rebuffed by the Daughters of the American Revolution because only whites were allowed to perform there. Outraged, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt resigned from the DAR and organized this outdoor concert with the memorial’s statue of Abraham Lincoln as the singer’s backdrop. Anderson began her concert with “My Country, ’Tis of Thee” and continued with Donizetti’s “La favorite” and Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria,” ending with three spirituals. “Miss Anderson had never considered herself to be an activist, but in fact, on that Sunday morning, she was,” wrote soprano Jessye Norman, who devoted a chapter to Anderson in her recent memoir, Stand Up Straight and Sing! (Houghton Mifflin). “When I think about how, despite the pervasive prejudice she experienced, she did not allow hatred to dampen the song within, I can only be grateful.”

Dad

 Tonight I was reading an article in The Atlantic about the poet Adrienne Rich. I so wanted to ask my dad what he thought of her and her poetry. You see, my dad could converse on practically any topic, but of course his specialty was English literature and the history of language. He always feared losing his mind, but he never did. We all tired of his diatribes about certain topics, and his penchant for Minneapolis (repeating the same stories over and over), but damn, I know if I brought up Ms. Rich, he would have something to say. She seemed to intersect poetry and social issues, and would have been roughly contemporary to my dad, so I really am curious what he knew and thought of her. It would be nice to have just one more conversation with him. 

Barring that, my husband made a point today about our son Eli inheriting the mind of my dad. That's a true compliment, because at his best, my dad was sharp and witty and indubitably brilliant. Eli has a gift of sacrosanct memory, that ease of synthesizing information, and a quest for knowledge my dad was famous for. And also, just as important, a humility that is absolutely genuine.  

Olympus Camera

 I was getting my old digital camera ready to give away and thought I would check to see if there were any pictures I might need on it. This one nearly sucked the wind out of me:

Here we have all the Vick grandchildren sitting on the couch on Christmas Day 2015. Adam looks so unwell. He must be less than 120 pounds on a 5'7" frame. How did I not notice? Why did I not do something different? 

Ethan is tickling Adam's head with one of those pronged scalp massagers. He looks thrilled, doesn't he? They are just sitting there unaware of the hell he was probably going through. We all were. Five weeks later he was gone. 

This has me in a funk, but that's okay. I need to remember the nights I cried myself to sleep every night. I had a dream this week where I was arguing with Adam. I didn't like it.  

                                       

Here we have Hannah tickling Ethan with Christmas presents and junk spread out on the coffee table. Adam is snarling, which he was doing in several other pictures over that holiday break.

I just finished a mother's memoir of suicide loss, I'll Write His Name on Every Beach. I will, too, Adam, I will, too. 

Whine About 2020

 I know this sounds like whining, and it is. I am grateful for the blessings of 2020 like being employed, and having a place to go outside my house. And not having to juggle kids and work and online learning. I truly don't know how I would have managed. 

But I did miss three biggies this year. The first was a workshop in April that would have made me a better therapist. That the location was somewhere I have long wanted to go (Sedona, AZ) was the icing on the cake. Well, COVID took that cake and shoved it down my throat. That conference will never be funded again for me to attend. I used some of my out of pocket flight credit, but still have $400 hanging out there to be used or refunded. Neither seem very likely. 

Next up Australia. Yes, I had tickets for Australia with my son to visit my niece in Melbourne and see whatever I could see there. Australia has stricter travel restrictions than many countries so of course a trip in June was off the table. My son got a refund, but I am still waiting to see what happened to my $1700, which I could kind of use...

The final disappointment came in July. I was invited to attend a national conference for survivors of suicide as a thank you for the volunteer work I have done for the AFSP. The exciting and exotic locale for this cancelled event was, wait for it, CLEVELAND. Yes, I missed out on a trip to Cleveland. Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which I have already been to. However, I believe I would have enjoyed and learned a great deal from meeting other SOS from across the country. 

So there you have it. I am a big complainer. Now that I have cleared that off my chest, I feel lighter and more grateful than ever. 2020 has had some sweet moments and here are a few:

THANKSgiving weekend 2020 at the labyrinth

Springfield Out of the Darkness October17, 2020

Ashleigh, Michael, Brent, Kelsey

Kallie, me, Jon, Zach,Sam

Wakullah Springs, FL outside Tallahassee, January 2020

Can you believe I've been to Florida three times in 2020?

Crazy!!

Ave Atque Vale

 

I think this poem is so beautiful, and even more so when I learned after my father's death, that this was what he thought of when Adam died. So he spelled "atque" wrong. His mind was truly sharp for remembering so many details especially about literature, etymology, and poems, poems, poems.

My Baby Boy

 

Here is #3. I love him with all my heart, too. So proud of him for making a big move on his own to pursue a new life in sunny Florida. He is teaching middle school math in a low income urban school, something that has been his dream for a long time. There are no sports to coach at this time, so he can put his all into teaching and his new students. 

My Special Boy

 Lest you think I play favorites, here is my #2, my special boy, Eli. He has been so many things, but most of all, our easy going, horn playing, kind Eli. This is him playing a doctoral recital at Florida State University. So proud of his accomplishments and the person he is. 

Ya Boi!!

My Best Boy

 This picture just does something to me. Here is Adam with that look on his face I haven't seen for almost five years. It's that vulnerable, lovable, I don't want to have my picture taken look. He had plenty of cocky moments, but this just tells me who he really was. Go ahead, click and see if you don't get a lump in your throat, or eye stinging tears or a pit in your stomach. 

The food displayed is something on the adventurous side, I'm sure. Surprising for the little boy who would eat barely anything. I think he took pride as he got older in trying new things. I remember when he ordered the snake/turtle/god knows what plate at that restaurant downtown. 

All those letters I typed up. It's time to thin out my belongings, but I couldn't throw them away without archiving them here, for when I need them, taking up no physical space. 

I just wanted to take a minute to say Hi, and yes, I'm still thinking about ya. 

Last of the Letters for Now. Stayed tuned for my Novel, har har

 11-26-89

Adam's appetite did pick up last night temporarily. He ate soup and lots of graham crackers. Today all he ate was oatmeal and Kix. It is really frustrating and emotionally draining as it is so worrisome. He was really fussy-cranky. 

Hopefully we will have a picture of Adam for Christmas cards. They took his photo at daycare a couple of weeks ago. No idea how they turned out.

I'm exhausted from sleeping so much this weekend. The night Chris arrived we stayed up until about 2:30. The next 3 nights we went to bed at 9 pm. The restaurant where we had Thanksgiving at was real nice-Ramada Inn. I specially enjoyed whipped badadas. There were some people there who got to know Adam cuz he was running all over. They go, "Here comes Adam." Chris says I have a Buffalo accent. 

Dear Family

 From Buffalo

7-24-89

Adam likes our next door neighbor, Fred, a big black Bow-Wow. I had Bill bring the TV down last night. Adam watched Jim Henson hour and kept saying "Coo-Coo" or Cookie Monster when Oscar came on. 

8-something-89

We went to a party at the house of Bill's department chair. They had an in-ground pool that Adam put his feet in. I'm pretty convinced that his beastliness at Artpark was caused by his toes being curled under in the Reeboks, cause at this party he became beastly for no apparent reason, so I tried taking his shoes off and there were lots of wrinkles and redness around his toes. 

I sort of got hooked on those Orange Milano cookies, Lou. They're really good once they're in your mouth. Adam really likes them, too. He was smearing chocolate on both our faces earlier this evening. Then he led me out of the cookie room into another, then he snuck back and went straight for the cookies. He calls  Mickey Mouse, dinosaurs and Big Bird all "Coo-Coo." 

A grad student from DU got a teaching job at University of North Dakota. I told Bill that would be a good place for us to settle, so we could spend summers at the Farm. But we decided Adam would be too radical/cool for the kids there. 

9-16-89

Adam is getting quite grown up. He is now going to daycare two days a week, and seems to be doing okay. He cries when we leave and cries when we pick him up, but have been told by the teachers, he does stop in between. His vocabulary is growing, to include dada, mama, gaga (grandpa), baba (baby), bowbow (bow wow), biggee (miss piggy), coocoo (cookie monster), baba (bottle). As parents we know the subtle differences between bottle, baby, and bow wow, but I doubt others would distinguish so easily. He is really an amazing little challenge. We got him some adorable red canvas sneakers, which remind me of myself with Grandma Topp at the Farm wearing the same red sneakers, at about Adam's age.

9-17-89

We had a really nice time last night. Adam was a very good boy for the babysitter* and she seemed to really enjoy him. 

*I wonder if this was my friend Gretchen, before we really became friends? I do remember her babysitting a time or two.

9-24-89

Adam helped me design some stationary for this week's letter. Pretty nifty, huh?* Hey, he's got 1 1/2 new teeth, maybe the cause of all the night waking and lingering cold symptoms. Also, he has a new thing called the "Zyzzy shuffle." After Icky Woods got injured, he took over with a shuffling dance step that is very funny to watch. Sometimes he does it to music, sometimes not. 

*paper covered with crayon scribbles

I bought a mock red turtleneck today on a shopping fiasco with Adam. We went to that bookstore with all the cards and gifts, Lou, and he totally took command, with two jingly pencils in his hands, he was off on a rampage, and I could not control him. 

Lou, I've been using that pretty framed picture of you to teach him "Ru Ru" but haven't had much success yet. He says "truck" spontaneously and barks instead of saying "bowbow" sometimes. 

10-8-89

We went to a birthday party for 3 year old Isaac, whose dad is a 5th year English grad student. Adam played by himself and with Rosalie, daughter of two English grad students, and in Adam's daycare, but on opposite days. She's 1 1/2 months older, same size but very dark hair and white skin. She's cute in a deprived, pixie-ish way. She and Adam were shoveling popcorn into their mouths; Adam feeding Rose, too. 

Then some of the older kids were opening Isaac's gifts for him and back in a corner was Rose opening the gift Adam brought. It was chaos. Barbara Bono, professor of English and mother of two year old John who goes to daycare also, says to Rose's dad, "That daughter of yours is a bold piece!" in an English accent. 

Betsy, Adam called you "Ga ga" today. I'm sorry. 

10-20-89

Here are a few Adam anecdotes. We took him to McDonalds and he really enjoyed dipping his fries into ketchup and sucking it off. Actually, he mostly used one fry and it got really soggy. Then we played in the indoors playground and Adam was able to do a big slide (curvy) all by himself (we spotted him of course). But he loved it so much saying, "Wheee."

We say "one" Adam says "two three" really clearly. This is a very good trick. 

Lately Adam is very attached to the cotton blanket I crocheted for him. He's fussy about 7:30-8pm until we go get or he leads us into the room to get blankie. Then he sometimes falls asleep beside me on the couch, so precious. 

He seems to know the difference between a bus and a truck. He even said "Bu" when he saw a picture of the Metro Rail downtown. When we come home and pick him up or get him at daycare, he immediately waves Bye Bye to the babysitters. 

Letters to my Family

 I have been going through volumes of old letters, pictures and memorabilia of my own, my parents, my kids. I am sharing the following entries taken from letters I wrote to family in the year or two after Adam's birth. I am sharing it because he is not here to give this to; he won't be able to read of the funny things he did and the way he was loved from the beginning. It might be painful, but for me necessary, and carthartic.

Adam Nicholas born June 11, 1988, the first grandchild on both sides 

9-11-88

Hi-

Zyzzy (nickname for Adam from a character on Pee Wee's Playhouse) and I are listening to Brahms and Junk. He is making sounds along with it, especially yelps where he sucks in air and makes a sound. He is beary cute, as you know. Today is Adam's 3 month birthday. Bill and I argue about whether he's supposed to be doing 3 or 4 month old things. I say this will be his third month, and Bill says he's in his fourth month. 

10-5-88

No pictures of Adam lately. Zyzzy is doing well. He misses you. He is fussy now so I must go. Love, Susie

10-26-88

The Tuttles were quite taken with Zyzzy, though he did his share of wailing.

11-5-88

Did I tell you we gave Adam rice cereal twice this week? He's had some trouble waking up in the middle of the night, so we tried that. It didn't work the first time, so maybe tonight. He did seem to enjoy eating, though very messy and time consuming. I'm not sure I'm ready for this step.

Betsy, did I tell you how much I think Adam looks like you, from my feeding view of him, especially the nose and mouth? It is so cute. I remember you being much younger, with that wonderful creamy pink skin. 

11-6-88

I had a bunch of pictures to send to a bunch of different people of our beautiful son that I wanted to show off, but decided I wasn't in the mood to write 10 different letters. So this will be a GENERIC letter. I guess that means I have to talk about all the exciting news.

Well, obviously Adam is the most exciting element in our lives. He is growing fast ie. for all you who are not parents, outgrowing his clothes. He is really a happy little child, especially when we have the time to hold him every moment. We are subtly working on getting him to play independently for longer periods of time, although I'm not sure the neighbors think it's so subtle when they hear him wailing for attention. He is long past the days of sleeping all the time.

The other night I was holding Adam on my lap while we were eating dinner, when Bill sneezed. Little Adam threw back his head and laughed out loud. As we continued to fake sneeze, he just thought it was hilarious, laughing louder and longer. Of course, we were in hysterics laughing at him, and it went on and on. Bill went and got his new tape recorder and began taping, which will be a treasured moment forever. I said at the time, he probably won't do this again for awhile and sure enough, he no longer thinks fake sneezing is quite so funny. He is really testing out his vocal chords with different kinds of yelping, babbling, gurgling, cooing and all those other wonderful sounds a baby makes. 

Another milestone occurred last night as Bill and I left Adam with a friend of mine to have dinner and a movie. As we were putting on our jackets and saying bye-bye, he looked over and recognized that we were leaving and began crying. That was the first time he seemed aware that he was being left with a stranger. 

Everyone seems to comment on Adam's big blue eyes. If you haven't seen him yet in person, and rely on our pictures, you are probably thinking, "Blue eyes? I thought he had red eyes." 

If this sappy letter doesn't gag you, please write back and let us know how you all are. We miss getting regular weekly mail as we did when the Vicks were in China. And believe it or not, I kind of miss having to write at least one letter every Sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. I will end with this original quote by me:

CHILDBIRTH----IT IS WORTH IT!!

Love, Susan                                                                  Bill                                        Adam

90 A-

(Bill thought this was a student assignment

and accidentally graded it. I gave his letter

an F (for failing to complete assignment).

Hoarding

 I think I've written several blogs on the topic of hoarding, but here's a different take. This morning at 3 a.m., sleepless again, I was going through my basket of cards on the mantle, trying to get rid of some clutter. Some date back to last fall. In among them, I found this gem (among many other touching, thoughtful cards and notes):

February 2020

I'll always be here for you,

Pinky Promise.

Missing Adam, wanting him to walk through the door, loving Adam, will always be a part of my life. And for as long as I live, I promise, he will be in my heart.

You are dearly loved, Susan, by so many, and though the expression may not always be clear, it is there, just as Adam is with us still. Believe in the unseen, try to trust even if you don't feel, you are loved. When you need to hear that message and know it in your heart, call me, and I will remind you that I love you and I truly am here for you-just for you-in your glory and your heartbreak-when you need me. I will always share our umbrella, to shade us from the sun and protect us from the rain.

I love you, 

Your lil sis

This past weekend my lil sis and I spent the weekend in Springfield at the Out of the Darkness Experience. A little different this year because of the pandemic, Adam's closest friends from college showed up and helped us celebrate and honor his life. It's hard not to imagine him being there, just one of the gang talking, playing pool, and sharing a meal. Simple things he's not here to enjoy. 

Autumn Falls

 Fall is not my favorite, but that moon last night...

I have a hard time when losing sunlight and can feel the blahs coming on. But I can't deny there are some really cool things happening-one being the weather. No need for A/C or heat. Just perfection around here. Crunchy leaves, hedge apples and acorns, even when I slip occasionally while walking. And what about those caramel apples? Must have nuts. 

Bonfires and S'mores.  A lot of traditions are cancelled because of the pandemic. Even Trick or Treating?!

School

 This morning I walked my old route to Lincoln School where I attended for 7 years. My kids went there, too, after it became an "attendance center" for K-3rd grade. Adam walked there for one year, and Eli and Cal for 4 years. 

It got me thinking about how things change and some things stay the same. Along my walk I saw school buses coming down our street after dropping off the kids. I was glad to see that because last week school was closed for one day due to a shooting in Macomb. So, I felt at peace that nothing horrible happened today. I'm sorry I have these thoughts in today's world. 

Nearer the school, I saw parents walking there kids up to school with masks on. Yes, this is the new normal. Other than masks, it was sweet to see the little ones holding hands with their moms and dads, and entering school, albeit, they only attend in person two days per week.

Back in my day, Kindergarten was the first time most kids had a social group experience. Now many kids go to daycare and pre-school. School teaches us society's norms and how to get along with others, even bullies and Eddie Haskells. I guess that dates me, too. 

I wasn't a target in school, I kept pretty quiet and obedient, so when I did get corrected or chastised by a teacher, I was crushed. Mean kids left me alone, too. I was lucky. Today there are so many ways to be cruel, and you can do it behind a computer screen. 

I hope the kids are safe, learning and becoming good citizens. They have a different experience than I did, but it's their experience. Bless them and everyone muddling through this pandemic. 

Pretty

 

This spoke to me this morning. And then Blogger is being really annoying and changed everything up. I can't even stop the underlining. I'm going to go to a piece of paper and pencil.