Dorothy Counts

 

I'm reading a borrowed book, and continuing my education and understanding of where we stand in this moment in time in America. The author tells the story of Dorothy Counts at 15 years old, in 1957, a freshman in high school, who was one of four students to first desegregate Harding High School in Charlotte, NC. She was greeted with screaming, racist insults, spit, and items thrown at her for nearly two blocks. Inside the building was not safe either. Can you imagine sending your child into this nightmare so that change may begin? Not blaming the parents. Admiring Dorothy and her parents for the courage and strength in this unfathomable situation. 

A piece of history I was not taught. In 1957, two years before my brother was born, 5 years before I was born. How can this be? 

Day 21 Take Action in the Your Area

 I have been putting off this last reflection because perhaps it requires action and commitment, two things I'm again afraid of failing at. I have also been wrestling with anxiety over the Derek Chauvin murder trial and the fear that somehow this vile man is going to get away with murder. I'm not so much worried about the worldwide reaction if he is acquitted, but the message that would send, and the further schism in this country that may result; larger than the Grand Canyon, wider than the Mississippi, and greater than the Great Lakes. I don't think I'm being dramatic. 

My action points are to build a more diverse circle around me and speak up and out more when something is wrong or I don't agree. 

I completed the One Human Family survey (passive) feeling I didn't contribute much. 

Day 20 Final Reflections

 REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

1. What is my race and how has it impacted my life? How does my race allow me to have higher social capital or privilege in certain environments, or vice versa? 

2. What were some of my assumptions about race and racial inequity before I started this 21-day challenge? In what ways have these assumptions been challenged? In what ways have they been reinforced? 

3. Where have I seen evidence of inequities and systemic and structural racism in my community? 

4. What two to three shifts, changes or actions, can I take to create a more inclusive and equitable environment in my home, workplace, and community? 

1. I've always considered my race White or Caucasian, European American ethnicity. My place of privilege has meant I have not had to consider my race on a daily basis, have not been discriminated against because of it, and been privy to walking through any doors I have chosen to, without a thought.

However, I have never done a DNA test, but am curious to know if there are some other races mixed in. I would be delighted to find African, Asian or Indigenous bloodlines in my DNA.

2. I've had moments of awakening in the past: attending my first Juneteenth celebration in Denver, CO in 1986 and being in the minority for the first time in my life; taking a gay male colleague to a local diner, and suddenly wondering if he felt uncomfortable. The challenge definitely got me thinking about how ubiquitous racial inequality is. I realized that it's something some people don't have the luxury of ignoring.

3. Everywhere: I see people of color working mainly low wage jobs in food service. Mostly white county board, police force, fire department.

4. Bring up the conversation. Challenge what I disagree with. Call out wrongness.

Day 18 and 19

 You are an ally if you seek to understand what it feels like for another person or group to be oppressed, and despite knowing you will never fully understand how it feels, you are committed to valuing and supporting people who are marginalized. 

 2020 has been a very divisive year, one reason for the formation of the local One Human Family chapter, the sponsor of this 21 day racial equity challenge. 

A new term to me, "asset-framing" uses narratives to change the unconscious associations ingrained in our society. The opposite practice of deficit-framing, or defining people by their challenges, encourages continued stigmatization of groups of individuals. 

The above are some quotes from the material provided on the topics of allyship and the racial equity change process. Fancy ways of saying, I support my fellow humans who have been marginalized, and I will work for change out in the world.

I have already failed. An opportunity for me to speak up at a staff meeting when a weakness was identified as lack of diversity amongst us. The leader and others concluded aloud there is nothing we can do about this, I think implying we don't get diverse applicants to apply. Everything in me wanted to cry out, that's not the answer. I don't have the answer/s but that's not good enough. But my little mind didn't let me speak up. My fear held me back. Would they argue, demand I give the answers I'm not sure of? I had nothing to lose, and yet I was silent. How many times has a person who has been marginalized been silent or silenced, when I of privilege am afraid to speak up?

I don't like confronting this reality, but this is where I am at.

DAY 17: Building a Race Equity Culture

 One Human Family, who has sponsored and organized this racial equity challenge, sure has pulled together a lot of resources. Today's challenge is about making the workplace more inclusive. I didn't think I had much influence on hiring practices, but I can make sure all feel welcomed- parents who need time off for their kids, people with disabilities, black and brown co-workers and clients. 

DAY 16: Equity & The LGBTQI+ Community

 Another topic I know something about. Intersectionality is a term used when a person has more than one identity that is subject to discrimination. For example, Black trans female, or a person who is disabled and also happens to be Latinx. 

One interesting question I got from the following video about how to be an ally was to examine what your intention is in being an ally.

I really have to put on my thinking cap for this one. I have been drawn to the LGBTQ community for a long time. I have been eager to attend trainings, educate myself, work, and befriend persons from this particular minority group. Maybe it's my love of the underdog. Maybe it's because of my own internal struggles that I can relate. 

This video explains why pronouns are important. 

This has come into focus in my personal life as a close family member has come out as non-binary. I get frustrated with arguments against using the pronouns "they, them, theirs." Just do it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If we are uncomfortable, imagine what it's like to be the person who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold of society. 

DAY 15: Adverse Childhood Experiences

 Finally, I know something about: ACES. And I am caught up on my challenges. 

Adverse Childhood Experiences are measured by how many of 10 factors you experienced as a child. The more you have, the worse physical and mental health outcomes you will experience over your lifetime. The interesting thing is, the original study was done on college educated persons who had health insurance. You can find your ACES score here: https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores. Things like parent separation or divorce, parent in prison, parent alcoholic or mentally ill, physical abuse, and witness to domestic violence are some of the questions. 

I have read Nadine Burke Harris' book The Deepest Well and watched her Ted Talks. I highly recommend them if you want to understand how impactful trauma is on humans. 

I also love the idea of resilience:

Building Resilience

 
The habits, practices, and cognitive strategies featured above are key to building resilience.
[View a larger version of the Resilience Pyramid]
 

Everyone faces challenges and hardship at times.

Resilience is your ability to cope with and bounce back from stress and adversity, and hopefully even grow through the experience. It is sometimes referred to as “thriving” … and not just surviving.

Resilient people are more likely to ...

• meet the demands of their academic/work and personal lives successfully
• take action to deal with challenges, problems, and setbacks
• seek support and assistance when they need it
• know when to stop, rest, and replenish inner resources
• have a sense of independence, self-efficacy, and self-worth
• form and maintain positive, mutually-respectful relationships with others
• have a sense of purpose and goals for the future

Resilience is not a fixed state. You may be more resilient at different times in your life than others. Most importantly, resilience can be learned, practiced, developed, and strengthened.

DAY 14: Education & School-Aged Children

 Did you have teachers who looked like you? Did you have toys and books that looked like you? What messages were you taught about race? How did those messages compare to what you saw around you?

I'm not really into reading a bunch of statistics, so for today's challenge I will just journal on the prompts above that were given.

Scratch that. I looked at the stats for my local school district and the surrounding schools, and see that only my area had enough (more than 10) Black students to report on. That was kind of shocking in 2021. Only one district (not mine) had enough Hispanic students to report on. Both groups performed less well on state testing. No percent of the Black or Hispanic students exceeded standards on English or math. There's obviously a lot of work to do here.

Anecdotally, my son reports that his primarily Black students perform better in math than English.

DAY 13: Behind the Starting Line — Racialized Outcomes in Early Childhood

 Have you heard the brew-ha about Illinois' new culturally responsive teaching standards? OMG, another example of backlash against the BLM movement, in my humble opinion. Why are all these White people getting their pants in a bunch over teacher education programs opening eyes to differences they are going to encounter in their teaching career? If a White student was in a predominantly Black school with all Black teachers, wouldn't you want them to have an understanding of your child's background? 

Quality early childhood education is known to increase future school success, and you're probably not surprised to hear that more Black pre-schoolers are suspended from school than their White counterparts. And over-identified for special education. 

DAY 12: The Racial Wealth Gap

Doing this racial equity work is exhausting. It makes me wonder how BIPOC (Black and Indigenous People of Color) feel and how they become successful with the odds stacked against them. There are many who do, so why do we stereotype them as people who are not successful. 

There are both gaps in income and wealth. Some explanations have been previously mentioned such as home ownership. Whites own more stocks, other real estate and businesses, which are riskier but have higher average returns over time. Whites have better jobs that offer pensions and long term saving and investing opportunities. 

Here's another factor I had not thought about:

The magnitudes of differences in inheritances have been found to be large. Avery and Rendall (2002) use the 1989 SCF to document that far fewer black households reported receiving an inheritance than whites and that, of those who did, the average value was about five times smaller than that of their white counterparts.

DAY 11: What is Environmental Racism?

 People of color disproportionately live in neighborhoods with environmental hazards. And no one cares enough to fix them, the people with the resources, that is. Think Flint, Michigan and the lead problem. I also read that in poor neighborhoods in New York City, there are less trash bins on the street because the city doesn't want to pick them up. So there is more garbage on the streets. 

Day 10 How Your Race Affects Your Health

 I have heard the disparities in health between White and Black folk. I am aware of the stereotypes that lower income people eat a less healthy diet. Maybe this is because in urban areas, there aren't good grocery stores where fresh foods can be purchased. I know the food pantry I volunteered at passed out canned and processed food, because it kept on the shelf. There was talk of improving the nutritional value at one point and pancakes and syrup were removed as staples. I think this is changing in my community because bountiful Victory Gardens were started around town last year, and the food delivery program is able to deliver more fresh and frozen foods, thus improving the quality. 

Maybe there are less doctors working with POC or in communities where they live. This brings me to COVID and data is pretty clear that Blacks are dying at higher rates than their White counterparts. In spite of this, there is some understandable fear among certain groups about taking a new vaccine. This dates back the known studies Blacks were unknowingly involved in including the  Tuskegee study and the case Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cells were used in perpetuity without her knowledge or consent. I wasn't able to finish the book that was written on this, but I find it curious how Johns Hopkins University spins her legacy:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/henriettalacks/

If that isn't systemic racism (lack of acknowledgement or remorse for a wrongdoing towards a Black woman) I don't know what is. The first paragraph contains the following: At the time, The Johns Hopkins Hospital was one of only a few hospitals to treat poor African-Americans. This was the best medical treatment available. Way to legitimize what you did! 

Postscript: If I had actually listened to the suggested Ted Talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/david_r_williams_how_racism_makes_us_sick) I would have had a better understanding on this topic. Racism itself causes health problems. Dr. Williams found a way to measure discrimination and found that the more acts of racism the person was exposed to, the more health problems and earlier death.  Racism causes stress and mental health issues which lead to poor health. Discrimination in health care exists as well, so that POC get lesser quality health care

Day 9 Racial Disparities in Homelessness and Housing

Consider the data — in McDonough County:

• 23.3% of the population lives in poverty.  

• African Americans make up about 4.7% of the general population but represent 53.77% of Macomb citizens living in poverty. 

One factor in homelessness is called network impoverishment. Network impoverishment is when you live in predominantly poor neighborhoods or when you don't have people with resources who can help you when you have a financial emergency. POC have less accumulated wealth. Traditionally this has been rooted in home ownership. So if you don't have your own emergency fund, and don't have family or friends who can help you out, chances are higher you will end up homeless if a medical emergency, layoff, pandemic, etc. happens.

I was technically homeless with a young child once in 1991. I moved in with somebody temporarily and stayed for 30 years. I wasn't overly worried, well maybe I was, about staying homeless, because I knew my parents would always help me out, and often did. I just hated asking. Economic security is something I probably take for granted, but try not to. I have spent most of my career working with people at or below the poverty line, so I have seen firsthand what homelessness and housing insecurity looks like.

Day 7 and 8

  ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed) is a new term to me, and I am shocked (?) to know the county I live in has a higher ALICE rate than surrounding counties, which seem poorer on the surface (don't have a large university, appear to have less business, more people walking around that look down and out). Maybe the key word here is Employed. This group is identified as earning over the Federal Poverty Level, but not enough to cover the basic cost of living. And remember, the cost of living in central Illinois is pretty low, despite the way people complain about taxes.

Perhaps our county has a disproportionate number of underemployed and underpaid workers. Not surprising this hits POC harder.

Segregation is still a thing. I don't see it as much as it probably exists. In housing for sure, as the lower your income the fewer options you have with regard to housing. Our public schools are combined attendance centers so everyone attends the same schools according to grade level. This presumably evens the playing field in education. However, I have anecdotal information that some children are treated differently and they happen to be Black.

Day 6 Levels of Racism

 Since I have been aware but  not really thought about my role in the levels of racism, I will briefly summarize my understanding. 

Individual forms of racism include internalized racism which is what we feel inside about race, including POC who may begin to believe they are inferior because of experiences and attitudes that put down their race. Interpersonal racism is what we encounter between individuals. Most media and discussion focuses on these more easily understood and seen forms of racism. 

Focusing on the individuals negates the presence of institutional and structural racism. These are the systemic forms of racism that keep certain groups out of housing, educational, and occupational settings. Just because we had a Black president or some POC are successful doesn't mean everyone has the same opportunities or doesn't encounter barriers White people never think about. Even though anti-discrimination laws are in effect it doesn't eliminate subtle forms of voter suppression, hiring practices, educational and economic disparities, health outcomes, the list goes on. 

Just in my work world, there are no people of color in my department and few throughout the organization. None in senior leadership, heck that is heavily male dominated, too. 

DAY 5 The Impact of Racial Trauma on Black, Indigenous and other People of Color

 My vacation derailed my work on the racial equity challenge. Again, I have the privilege of putting race issues on hold while I frolic about having fun. 

The Day 5 challenge deals with oppression, internalized racism, mental health, and imposter syndrome to name a few. A few personal thoughts as I read through the materials provided:

I've never worried about walking down the street, in the street, or riding my bike and being stopped and asked for ID. I have been aware for decades that this happens to POC. Our own police chief made a public comment not that long ago about people who live in "this" community need to follow the norms, like using sidewalks. I've lived in "this" community most of my life, and I walk in the street and "jaywalk" whenever I please.  There was a study done about what happens when a White man walks down the street carrying a legal weapon, and what happens to a Black man doing the same thing. I'm sure you know the results. When I have been stopped by police while driving, I usually get a warning. I've never been searched, made to lie on the ground, had a gun pulled on me, or God forbid shot. 

While reading the article, "The Link Between Racism and PTSD" I thought of my son's new friend, Brandon, whom I met in Florida. Cal had been telling us about his friend who lives next door, and I saw him leaving his apartment one day, and I cheerfully asked if he was Brandon and introduced myself. He looked startled when I knew his name. He later joked to Cal that he thought I was the FBI. Cal told us he is into guns and likes having an apartment that faces the parking lot so he can monitor who is coming and going. Brandon happens to be Black. The article helped me understand that being a Black male he has undoubtedly experienced a multitude of racist acts on the high end, and microaggressions, on the lower end, which can result in PTSD symptoms and even paranoia. 

Day 4 White Fragility

I took the White Fragility quiz by Beacon Press. No, I have not read the book below. 

 Your score is 10 or below. You exhibit some white fragility traits.

Don't worry, we all do to some degree. This quiz has helped you identify underlying assumptions that you hold about race that engender these feelings, behaviors, and claims you make when confronted. What can you do now? You should read Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism to learn what you can do to engage more constructively.

Today's readings on Common Racist Attitudes and Behaviors made me aware that throwing up my hands or giving up is not an option for people of color. It shouldn't be an option for me. I'm also prone to silence, as I value acceptance and not speaking my mind is complicit agreement. 

Day 3 What is Privilege

 I took the privilege self-assessment and shared with my siblings and spouse. I scored 61 out of 100 privilege points. Many of the non-privileges I have come from being female, however being a cisgender, straight female has many privileges. I didn't necessarily have an economically or financially privileged upbringing, though it wasn't poverty. My parents say we were close to the poverty line, but they always prioritized saving and investing. They lived well below their means and still do. Some of the items on the assessment reminded me of difficult times I went through, that I have minimized as a coping mechanism, but have ultimately made me stronger. 

I've had the feeling most of my life that I have slid under the radar. Of course, my Whiteness in a Midwestern town allows this to happen. The last few years I have been speaking out more on something I unfortunately learned about first hand: being a suicide loss survivor. I just don't feel the confidence to speak out about racism and sexism in the same way. I am grateful to those who do, and am happy to support them. One thing this racial equity challenge suggested is simply saying, "That's wrong" when I encounter offensive behavior or words. I'll let you know how that goes. 

Day 2 Understanding and Reflecting on Our Bias

 I took the Implicit Association Test (IAT) for trans/cisgender and Biden/Reagan. While I like to think my attitudes are on the "right" (or left) side, the quizzes show my bias is ingrained heavily in me. I scored in the range of moderately favoring Cisgender people and moderately favoring Biden over Reagan. I honestly thought my disdain for Reagan would play out as more pronounced. Just goes to show you we can't shed our skin as easily as we thought. 

I know a White person who tries to be open and non-judgmental, but always brings up the same examples from their experience that they think goes against stereotypes but in fact reinforces the blinders of White Privilege. Not that I do any better. 

It's honestly uncomfortable to face this idea that I am hurting people unintentionally. But this just proves the fact that our culture is so systemically biased that we Whites can't begin to know how to dismantle it. That's why it bothers me when White people are leading anti-racist movements and purporting to speak for Black Americans. 

It almost makes me want to throw up my hands and not even try. When I saw the list of other IAT quizzes I was terrified to take the ones dealing with race. I vaguely remember taking one years (?) ago and the results were not flattering. 

Maybe I can just continue to learn and grow. I know I want to advocate and support but it's pretty clear I am bound to fail. 

21-Day Racial Equity Challenge

 Day 1: Personal Racial Identity

• When did you first become aware of your racial identity?
• What messages did you learn about race from your school and family? Did they align with what you’ve seen in your life?
• When has how others perceived your racial identity affected how they treat you?

 

I probably never thought about my racial identity until college. Until then, I considered myself “normative,” “American,” “Mid-Western” etc.

 

It was always understood in my family to never use the N-word. My parents enjoyed entertaining college students from different backgrounds and rented a room to a female student who was Black. I never thought anything of it. My brother had Black friends, but I did not. Looking back, I have tried to “justify” this by confirming that there were no Black girls in my grade in elementary school, even though my school was the most diverse with the possible exception of the University lab school. I checked my senior class, and there were no Black girls among a class of 220. Obviously, the majority were White. There were boys my age who were Black, and I considered them cool, nice, athletic and normal. I don’t remember witnessing any overt racism, though I likely would not have recognized it (?).

 

My parents have recounted the racism they encountered when they moved to our small town, including a real estate agent who tried to steer them away from certain neighborhoods, and when they did pick a house, told them they would want to move “up” at some point (they never did). They wanted us to stay in the school with the lowest socio-economic students even when we could have gone to another elementary because they liked the teachers.

 

I don’t  think anyone ever treated me differently because of my race, but I wondered on the inside if anyone resented me for being White. I remember seeing a book called “Black Like Me” around my house, and I’ve wondered what it would be like to be Black. I remember movies like “Lillies of the Valley” and “To Sir With Love” and thought Sidney Portier was very handsome, but I didn’t know what the big deal was about.

 

Feb. 2, 2021

 

This struck me at just the right time. It hits the right note of how I am feeling these days. Funny how true when they say the lead up to the anniversary of a death is heavier than the actual day. 

Self Help

I have been on this self-help journey a long, long time. I've had professional help, too. And I've had teachers who were friends, historical figures, authors, family members, community leaders, and just plain ordinary people going about their lives. I get inspiration all around me. My journals, pictures, scrapbooks, and blogs are my records of this journey. 

To live my best life, as we say nowadays, I've decided is internal. It's not where I go or what I do. It's how I feel inside and almost 58 years into this, I'm starting to get it. I don't try to push away the rough spots (well, yes I do but I'm working on this). Honestly, it's harder to stay in the moment when I should be "happy." 

I saw this cool sticker that goes with the photo above. 

When I took the Covid vaccine, I thought, if something happens to me, I've had a good life. I can truly say I gave it my all. 

Marian Anderson

I saw the story below on the public radio newsletter page and remembered how my dad fondly recalled seeing Marian Anderson live in person in Japan when he was serving in the Korean conflict. I think it was one of the biggest thrills of his life.  

Hey everyone, enjoy your day!

From “Ten Great Classical Music Moments in America” by Kyle MacMillan

(This seems rather timely, and is reprinted with kind permission from Listen magazine, published by Steinway & Sons)

Marian Anderson performed before seventy-five thousand people at the Lincoln Memorial in what has been called the first-ever public protest concert in America. Such a singular venue and mammoth crowd would have made this an important concert no matter what, but the circumstances surrounding it added to its gravity. Howard University in Washington, D.C., wanted to present the singer in concert, but did not have a venue large enough. So, it tried to rent Constitution Hall but was rebuffed by the Daughters of the American Revolution because only whites were allowed to perform there. Outraged, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt resigned from the DAR and organized this outdoor concert with the memorial’s statue of Abraham Lincoln as the singer’s backdrop. Anderson began her concert with “My Country, ’Tis of Thee” and continued with Donizetti’s “La favorite” and Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria,” ending with three spirituals. “Miss Anderson had never considered herself to be an activist, but in fact, on that Sunday morning, she was,” wrote soprano Jessye Norman, who devoted a chapter to Anderson in her recent memoir, Stand Up Straight and Sing! (Houghton Mifflin). “When I think about how, despite the pervasive prejudice she experienced, she did not allow hatred to dampen the song within, I can only be grateful.”

Dad

 Tonight I was reading an article in The Atlantic about the poet Adrienne Rich. I so wanted to ask my dad what he thought of her and her poetry. You see, my dad could converse on practically any topic, but of course his specialty was English literature and the history of language. He always feared losing his mind, but he never did. We all tired of his diatribes about certain topics, and his penchant for Minneapolis (repeating the same stories over and over), but damn, I know if I brought up Ms. Rich, he would have something to say. She seemed to intersect poetry and social issues, and would have been roughly contemporary to my dad, so I really am curious what he knew and thought of her. It would be nice to have just one more conversation with him. 

Barring that, my husband made a point today about our son Eli inheriting the mind of my dad. That's a true compliment, because at his best, my dad was sharp and witty and indubitably brilliant. Eli has a gift of sacrosanct memory, that ease of synthesizing information, and a quest for knowledge my dad was famous for. And also, just as important, a humility that is absolutely genuine.  

Olympus Camera

 I was getting my old digital camera ready to give away and thought I would check to see if there were any pictures I might need on it. This one nearly sucked the wind out of me:

Here we have all the Vick grandchildren sitting on the couch on Christmas Day 2015. Adam looks so unwell. He must be less than 120 pounds on a 5'7" frame. How did I not notice? Why did I not do something different? 

Ethan is tickling Adam's head with one of those pronged scalp massagers. He looks thrilled, doesn't he? They are just sitting there unaware of the hell he was probably going through. We all were. Five weeks later he was gone. 

This has me in a funk, but that's okay. I need to remember the nights I cried myself to sleep every night. I had a dream this week where I was arguing with Adam. I didn't like it.  

                                       

Here we have Hannah tickling Ethan with Christmas presents and junk spread out on the coffee table. Adam is snarling, which he was doing in several other pictures over that holiday break.

I just finished a mother's memoir of suicide loss, I'll Write His Name on Every Beach. I will, too, Adam, I will, too. 

Whine About 2020

 I know this sounds like whining, and it is. I am grateful for the blessings of 2020 like being employed, and having a place to go outside my house. And not having to juggle kids and work and online learning. I truly don't know how I would have managed. 

But I did miss three biggies this year. The first was a workshop in April that would have made me a better therapist. That the location was somewhere I have long wanted to go (Sedona, AZ) was the icing on the cake. Well, COVID took that cake and shoved it down my throat. That conference will never be funded again for me to attend. I used some of my out of pocket flight credit, but still have $400 hanging out there to be used or refunded. Neither seem very likely. 

Next up Australia. Yes, I had tickets for Australia with my son to visit my niece in Melbourne and see whatever I could see there. Australia has stricter travel restrictions than many countries so of course a trip in June was off the table. My son got a refund, but I am still waiting to see what happened to my $1700, which I could kind of use...

The final disappointment came in July. I was invited to attend a national conference for survivors of suicide as a thank you for the volunteer work I have done for the AFSP. The exciting and exotic locale for this cancelled event was, wait for it, CLEVELAND. Yes, I missed out on a trip to Cleveland. Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which I have already been to. However, I believe I would have enjoyed and learned a great deal from meeting other SOS from across the country. 

So there you have it. I am a big complainer. Now that I have cleared that off my chest, I feel lighter and more grateful than ever. 2020 has had some sweet moments and here are a few:

THANKSgiving weekend 2020 at the labyrinth

Springfield Out of the Darkness October17, 2020

Ashleigh, Michael, Brent, Kelsey

Kallie, me, Jon, Zach,Sam

Wakullah Springs, FL outside Tallahassee, January 2020

Can you believe I've been to Florida three times in 2020?

Crazy!!

Ave Atque Vale

 

I think this poem is so beautiful, and even more so when I learned after my father's death, that this was what he thought of when Adam died. So he spelled "atque" wrong. His mind was truly sharp for remembering so many details especially about literature, etymology, and poems, poems, poems.

My Baby Boy

 

Here is #3. I love him with all my heart, too. So proud of him for making a big move on his own to pursue a new life in sunny Florida. He is teaching middle school math in a low income urban school, something that has been his dream for a long time. There are no sports to coach at this time, so he can put his all into teaching and his new students. 

My Special Boy

 Lest you think I play favorites, here is my #2, my special boy, Eli. He has been so many things, but most of all, our easy going, horn playing, kind Eli. This is him playing a doctoral recital at Florida State University. So proud of his accomplishments and the person he is. 

Ya Boi!!

My Best Boy

 This picture just does something to me. Here is Adam with that look on his face I haven't seen for almost five years. It's that vulnerable, lovable, I don't want to have my picture taken look. He had plenty of cocky moments, but this just tells me who he really was. Go ahead, click and see if you don't get a lump in your throat, or eye stinging tears or a pit in your stomach. 

The food displayed is something on the adventurous side, I'm sure. Surprising for the little boy who would eat barely anything. I think he took pride as he got older in trying new things. I remember when he ordered the snake/turtle/god knows what plate at that restaurant downtown. 

All those letters I typed up. It's time to thin out my belongings, but I couldn't throw them away without archiving them here, for when I need them, taking up no physical space. 

I just wanted to take a minute to say Hi, and yes, I'm still thinking about ya. 

Last of the Letters for Now. Stayed tuned for my Novel, har har

 11-26-89

Adam's appetite did pick up last night temporarily. He ate soup and lots of graham crackers. Today all he ate was oatmeal and Kix. It is really frustrating and emotionally draining as it is so worrisome. He was really fussy-cranky. 

Hopefully we will have a picture of Adam for Christmas cards. They took his photo at daycare a couple of weeks ago. No idea how they turned out.

I'm exhausted from sleeping so much this weekend. The night Chris arrived we stayed up until about 2:30. The next 3 nights we went to bed at 9 pm. The restaurant where we had Thanksgiving at was real nice-Ramada Inn. I specially enjoyed whipped badadas. There were some people there who got to know Adam cuz he was running all over. They go, "Here comes Adam." Chris says I have a Buffalo accent. 

Dear Family

 From Buffalo

7-24-89

Adam likes our next door neighbor, Fred, a big black Bow-Wow. I had Bill bring the TV down last night. Adam watched Jim Henson hour and kept saying "Coo-Coo" or Cookie Monster when Oscar came on. 

8-something-89

We went to a party at the house of Bill's department chair. They had an in-ground pool that Adam put his feet in. I'm pretty convinced that his beastliness at Artpark was caused by his toes being curled under in the Reeboks, cause at this party he became beastly for no apparent reason, so I tried taking his shoes off and there were lots of wrinkles and redness around his toes. 

I sort of got hooked on those Orange Milano cookies, Lou. They're really good once they're in your mouth. Adam really likes them, too. He was smearing chocolate on both our faces earlier this evening. Then he led me out of the cookie room into another, then he snuck back and went straight for the cookies. He calls  Mickey Mouse, dinosaurs and Big Bird all "Coo-Coo." 

A grad student from DU got a teaching job at University of North Dakota. I told Bill that would be a good place for us to settle, so we could spend summers at the Farm. But we decided Adam would be too radical/cool for the kids there. 

9-16-89

Adam is getting quite grown up. He is now going to daycare two days a week, and seems to be doing okay. He cries when we leave and cries when we pick him up, but have been told by the teachers, he does stop in between. His vocabulary is growing, to include dada, mama, gaga (grandpa), baba (baby), bowbow (bow wow), biggee (miss piggy), coocoo (cookie monster), baba (bottle). As parents we know the subtle differences between bottle, baby, and bow wow, but I doubt others would distinguish so easily. He is really an amazing little challenge. We got him some adorable red canvas sneakers, which remind me of myself with Grandma Topp at the Farm wearing the same red sneakers, at about Adam's age.

9-17-89

We had a really nice time last night. Adam was a very good boy for the babysitter* and she seemed to really enjoy him. 

*I wonder if this was my friend Gretchen, before we really became friends? I do remember her babysitting a time or two.

9-24-89

Adam helped me design some stationary for this week's letter. Pretty nifty, huh?* Hey, he's got 1 1/2 new teeth, maybe the cause of all the night waking and lingering cold symptoms. Also, he has a new thing called the "Zyzzy shuffle." After Icky Woods got injured, he took over with a shuffling dance step that is very funny to watch. Sometimes he does it to music, sometimes not. 

*paper covered with crayon scribbles

I bought a mock red turtleneck today on a shopping fiasco with Adam. We went to that bookstore with all the cards and gifts, Lou, and he totally took command, with two jingly pencils in his hands, he was off on a rampage, and I could not control him. 

Lou, I've been using that pretty framed picture of you to teach him "Ru Ru" but haven't had much success yet. He says "truck" spontaneously and barks instead of saying "bowbow" sometimes. 

10-8-89

We went to a birthday party for 3 year old Isaac, whose dad is a 5th year English grad student. Adam played by himself and with Rosalie, daughter of two English grad students, and in Adam's daycare, but on opposite days. She's 1 1/2 months older, same size but very dark hair and white skin. She's cute in a deprived, pixie-ish way. She and Adam were shoveling popcorn into their mouths; Adam feeding Rose, too. 

Then some of the older kids were opening Isaac's gifts for him and back in a corner was Rose opening the gift Adam brought. It was chaos. Barbara Bono, professor of English and mother of two year old John who goes to daycare also, says to Rose's dad, "That daughter of yours is a bold piece!" in an English accent. 

Betsy, Adam called you "Ga ga" today. I'm sorry. 

10-20-89

Here are a few Adam anecdotes. We took him to McDonalds and he really enjoyed dipping his fries into ketchup and sucking it off. Actually, he mostly used one fry and it got really soggy. Then we played in the indoors playground and Adam was able to do a big slide (curvy) all by himself (we spotted him of course). But he loved it so much saying, "Wheee."

We say "one" Adam says "two three" really clearly. This is a very good trick. 

Lately Adam is very attached to the cotton blanket I crocheted for him. He's fussy about 7:30-8pm until we go get or he leads us into the room to get blankie. Then he sometimes falls asleep beside me on the couch, so precious. 

He seems to know the difference between a bus and a truck. He even said "Bu" when he saw a picture of the Metro Rail downtown. When we come home and pick him up or get him at daycare, he immediately waves Bye Bye to the babysitters. 

Letters to my Family

 I have been going through volumes of old letters, pictures and memorabilia of my own, my parents, my kids. I am sharing the following entries taken from letters I wrote to family in the year or two after Adam's birth. I am sharing it because he is not here to give this to; he won't be able to read of the funny things he did and the way he was loved from the beginning. It might be painful, but for me necessary, and carthartic.

Adam Nicholas born June 11, 1988, the first grandchild on both sides 

9-11-88

Hi-

Zyzzy (nickname for Adam from a character on Pee Wee's Playhouse) and I are listening to Brahms and Junk. He is making sounds along with it, especially yelps where he sucks in air and makes a sound. He is beary cute, as you know. Today is Adam's 3 month birthday. Bill and I argue about whether he's supposed to be doing 3 or 4 month old things. I say this will be his third month, and Bill says he's in his fourth month. 

10-5-88

No pictures of Adam lately. Zyzzy is doing well. He misses you. He is fussy now so I must go. Love, Susie

10-26-88

The Tuttles were quite taken with Zyzzy, though he did his share of wailing.

11-5-88

Did I tell you we gave Adam rice cereal twice this week? He's had some trouble waking up in the middle of the night, so we tried that. It didn't work the first time, so maybe tonight. He did seem to enjoy eating, though very messy and time consuming. I'm not sure I'm ready for this step.

Betsy, did I tell you how much I think Adam looks like you, from my feeding view of him, especially the nose and mouth? It is so cute. I remember you being much younger, with that wonderful creamy pink skin. 

11-6-88

I had a bunch of pictures to send to a bunch of different people of our beautiful son that I wanted to show off, but decided I wasn't in the mood to write 10 different letters. So this will be a GENERIC letter. I guess that means I have to talk about all the exciting news.

Well, obviously Adam is the most exciting element in our lives. He is growing fast ie. for all you who are not parents, outgrowing his clothes. He is really a happy little child, especially when we have the time to hold him every moment. We are subtly working on getting him to play independently for longer periods of time, although I'm not sure the neighbors think it's so subtle when they hear him wailing for attention. He is long past the days of sleeping all the time.

The other night I was holding Adam on my lap while we were eating dinner, when Bill sneezed. Little Adam threw back his head and laughed out loud. As we continued to fake sneeze, he just thought it was hilarious, laughing louder and longer. Of course, we were in hysterics laughing at him, and it went on and on. Bill went and got his new tape recorder and began taping, which will be a treasured moment forever. I said at the time, he probably won't do this again for awhile and sure enough, he no longer thinks fake sneezing is quite so funny. He is really testing out his vocal chords with different kinds of yelping, babbling, gurgling, cooing and all those other wonderful sounds a baby makes. 

Another milestone occurred last night as Bill and I left Adam with a friend of mine to have dinner and a movie. As we were putting on our jackets and saying bye-bye, he looked over and recognized that we were leaving and began crying. That was the first time he seemed aware that he was being left with a stranger. 

Everyone seems to comment on Adam's big blue eyes. If you haven't seen him yet in person, and rely on our pictures, you are probably thinking, "Blue eyes? I thought he had red eyes." 

If this sappy letter doesn't gag you, please write back and let us know how you all are. We miss getting regular weekly mail as we did when the Vicks were in China. And believe it or not, I kind of miss having to write at least one letter every Sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. I will end with this original quote by me:

CHILDBIRTH----IT IS WORTH IT!!

Love, Susan                                                                  Bill                                        Adam

90 A-

(Bill thought this was a student assignment

and accidentally graded it. I gave his letter

an F (for failing to complete assignment).

Hoarding

 I think I've written several blogs on the topic of hoarding, but here's a different take. This morning at 3 a.m., sleepless again, I was going through my basket of cards on the mantle, trying to get rid of some clutter. Some date back to last fall. In among them, I found this gem (among many other touching, thoughtful cards and notes):

February 2020

I'll always be here for you,

Pinky Promise.

Missing Adam, wanting him to walk through the door, loving Adam, will always be a part of my life. And for as long as I live, I promise, he will be in my heart.

You are dearly loved, Susan, by so many, and though the expression may not always be clear, it is there, just as Adam is with us still. Believe in the unseen, try to trust even if you don't feel, you are loved. When you need to hear that message and know it in your heart, call me, and I will remind you that I love you and I truly am here for you-just for you-in your glory and your heartbreak-when you need me. I will always share our umbrella, to shade us from the sun and protect us from the rain.

I love you, 

Your lil sis

This past weekend my lil sis and I spent the weekend in Springfield at the Out of the Darkness Experience. A little different this year because of the pandemic, Adam's closest friends from college showed up and helped us celebrate and honor his life. It's hard not to imagine him being there, just one of the gang talking, playing pool, and sharing a meal. Simple things he's not here to enjoy. 

Autumn Falls

 Fall is not my favorite, but that moon last night...

I have a hard time when losing sunlight and can feel the blahs coming on. But I can't deny there are some really cool things happening-one being the weather. No need for A/C or heat. Just perfection around here. Crunchy leaves, hedge apples and acorns, even when I slip occasionally while walking. And what about those caramel apples? Must have nuts. 

Bonfires and S'mores.  A lot of traditions are cancelled because of the pandemic. Even Trick or Treating?!

School

 This morning I walked my old route to Lincoln School where I attended for 7 years. My kids went there, too, after it became an "attendance center" for K-3rd grade. Adam walked there for one year, and Eli and Cal for 4 years. 

It got me thinking about how things change and some things stay the same. Along my walk I saw school buses coming down our street after dropping off the kids. I was glad to see that because last week school was closed for one day due to a shooting in Macomb. So, I felt at peace that nothing horrible happened today. I'm sorry I have these thoughts in today's world. 

Nearer the school, I saw parents walking there kids up to school with masks on. Yes, this is the new normal. Other than masks, it was sweet to see the little ones holding hands with their moms and dads, and entering school, albeit, they only attend in person two days per week.

Back in my day, Kindergarten was the first time most kids had a social group experience. Now many kids go to daycare and pre-school. School teaches us society's norms and how to get along with others, even bullies and Eddie Haskells. I guess that dates me, too. 

I wasn't a target in school, I kept pretty quiet and obedient, so when I did get corrected or chastised by a teacher, I was crushed. Mean kids left me alone, too. I was lucky. Today there are so many ways to be cruel, and you can do it behind a computer screen. 

I hope the kids are safe, learning and becoming good citizens. They have a different experience than I did, but it's their experience. Bless them and everyone muddling through this pandemic. 

Pretty

 

This spoke to me this morning. And then Blogger is being really annoying and changed everything up. I can't even stop the underlining. I'm going to go to a piece of paper and pencil. 

Short Memory

My son gave me some good advice over this last little time together. I was stewing and rehashing an event that happened. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, yadda, yadda. He said the best advice he ever got from, I believe it was Robbie, his supervising teacher during student teaching, was to have a short memory. He gave the example of having a short memory about losing our trip to Australia; money spent or wasted is not going to get him down.

At first I balked, and argued, I must remember this, I must learn from this. I don't want to forget this and make the same mistake again. I must figure this out. I must do better.

Then I stopped and realized, there's nothing I can do right now, and I do need to stop overthinking this. The little phrase "short memory" has since come back to me several times and is just the quick reminder I need to move on and not let things eat me up.

Thanks Cal, you're a wise young man. And I'm glad I found your headphones, as I know you were struggling to have a short memory on that one.

Words of Affirmation

My love language is Words of Affirmation, so that is the one I tend to give to others first. During my meditation today, I thought I would like to affirm the special people in my life.

Shout out to my kids, whom I couldn't be more proud of. Cal is inquisitive, deep, connected, and thoughtful. Eli is silly, creative, bright, and accepting. Hannah is loving, intelligent, soulful, and social. Adam is a straight shooter, brilliant, lively, and haunting.

Pat, who has been by my side 29 years and counting, no matter what, is reliable, funny-goofy, hard-working, and wholesome.

What the heck, I'm going to just do up the whole family.

Ethan is talented, heart-driven, sensitive, and gentle. Betsy is kind, hilarious, tenacious, and emotional. Chuck is family-oriented, helpful, knowledgeable, and charitable.

Michael is smart, athletic, funny, and adroit. Megan is adventurous, special, persistent, and joyful. Laura is artistic, committed, lovely, and caring. Chris is jocular, devoted, ethical, and steadfast.
Donna is nurturing, busy, spiritual, and adaptable.

Mom is clever, giving, assertive, and authentic. Dad is sharp-witted, tender-hearted, poetic, and brave.

It's just like the empty nest all over again. Cal is headed back to Florida to prepare for his new teaching job and soak up the last bits of summer. Hannah and Eli are continuing on their journey to visit her side of the family.

We had a bustling two weeks of camp fires, homemade ice cream, birthday celebrations, games, getting the pontoon stuck on a mud bank, musical performances, swimming in a borrowed pool, visiting, and food, lots of food.

I didn't think I was going to feel this let down this time, but I do. So many fun and exciting things happened over the past two weeks, I should be filled with gratitude and contentment. I'll get there. I'm going to honor this moment, this time of feeling blue and empty. It could also be the beans, which emptied me of my entire digestive tract in a most inconvenient manner.

On another note, I started reading my dad's journals, the seven or so assigned to me. Equal amounts assigned to my siblings. I have to say, they are pretty boring. If I am boring you like this, please stop reading or tell me. Maybe I am the only person who thinks I am interesting...

Corona+

I remember in March when I heard the first murmurings of "quarantine." Some local students returned early from Denmark and had to self-quarantine at home for two weeks. That sounded absolutely impossible. By March 21, the entire state of Illinois was ordered to stay at home for two weeks and schools were closed, a biggie.

It was confusing at first, but I showed up for work Monday unclear what Stay At Home really meant. Deemed an 'essential worker' in mental health, we continued to work, and I was grateful I wouldn't find out what it meant to really stay home for any amount of weeks. I like my structure and routine. We got set up to meet most of our customers at home through tele-health. 

Then we had a nice surprise, our kids came home since public school teachers and grad students were sent home. It was nice to hang out an extra time since we had just seen each other in February for Dad's memorial service. 

Two weeks of quarantine turned into all of April, then unbelievably all of May. Watching the virus numbers climb, and the death toll rise. 

Now it is July, and where the H did time go? I feel like this was the quickest 6 months of my life. Now we are together again (my family of origin plus my kids). Florida folks are here but they have tested negative for Covid. They are writing and playing music and hanging out. Aside from masks in public, everything feels pretty normal. Let's hope we all stay healthy. 

BLM

I haven't blogged in F-O-R-E-V-E-R, but don't think I haven't been thinking, feeling and doing. Since my last post, the world has erupted over the murder of George Floyd. That police officer's face, knowing he was being filmed and killing that man, and those sworn to protect not stopping him. This has really set off my brain and emotions. I have noticed one thing, I am about stories. I think stories are the most powerful way to teach and understand. George Floyd's story has changed the course of history.

I've been educating myself through podcasts, listening and reading about Black experience, forcing myself to watch the news. At times I fear a civil war is brewing, and other times I'm filled with hope because I see more people speaking up for what is right. It's not enough to say, "I treat everyone the same." Even if you mean it, which is clearly debatable.

Systems are stacked against minorities, and opportunities are not equal. I have NEVER been stopped for walking in the street and asked for ID. I would never dream I need an ID to walk down the street. My car has never been searched during a routine traffic stop. I usually get a warning when I do something wrong, not a pat down. I have never been harmed by a Black man the way I have been by White men.

In answer to why we don't say "All Lives Matter" I like this analogy: when we talk about breast cancer awareness, people don't get upset and say, "But ALL cancer matters." Black lives matter, too, and as much as other lives, which has not been shown to be the case in this country.

And one more thing, we need to teach real history in this country, and acknowledge the harm symbols of slavery do to those who were enslaved and had their history erased when they were brought here from Africa. We are still "whitewashing" the history of this country. I was shocked to learn Abraham Lincoln was morally against slavery, but did not think the races should 'mix' or that they were equal. I have however, known what Juneteenth was since 1986 (DT, you SOB).

My place of White privilege and person with some social currency is to be a visible ally to my Black brothers and sisters, and bring my perspective for consideration to my White counterparts in a way that dialogue can happen. I admittedly have a lot of work to do and quite honestly, I feel Adam is pushing me along this path. I can't help but think he would have rejoiced in this change coming. I pray that he is watching.

I have broken down in tears several times over the overt racism that still exists today, and even talking about some of the things that have happened recently. My heart hurts.

https://cssp.org/2020/03/recognizing-race-in-language-why-we-capitalize-black-and-white/

https://www.history.com/news/5-things-you-may-not-know-about-lincoln-slavery-and-emancipation

May 2020

May is Mental Health Month

We are living in challenging times as the world we knew has turned upside down. I want you to know you are not alone. Mental Health has been a national focus in May since 1949, and it’s more important now than ever. We need to practice inner and outer self-care during this time of uncertainty. Now is not the time to compare yourself to others who are using extra down time to improve their home or physique if you are struggling to get through what feels like an endless day. We are experiencing grief on a personal level and a societal level simultaneously. Whether you are experiencing job loss, cancelled vacation plans, postponed medical or dental procedures, or the losing someone you love, this level of change requires respect and compassion with ourselves. The internal work of deep grief takes a lot of energy, and this is probably why you feel so fatigued.

Unfortunately, more suicides occur in the late spring than other times of year. It is helpful to be mindful of our feelings and confide in someone you trust. You can also speak kindly to yourself as you would a friend. Rather than bash yourself, you can tell yourself something like, “I see your pain. This is difficult and confusing.” Self-compassion is a tool that takes practice.

This is a good time to check in with friends and family who may be having a hard time or isolating. If you don’t like talking on the phone, send a text, direct message, Snapchat or drop a note in the mail.

I wanted to share a couple of resources from organizations that have been advocating for mental health for decades below.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

Afsp.org/mental-health-and-covid-19

National Alliance on Mental Illness:

Nami.org/covid-19-guide

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline (Substance Abuse):

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

If you find yourself unable to shake your feelings of discomfort, depression, or fear, Behavioral Health Services is providing TeleHealth services during the stay-at-home orders by phone and video chat using HIPAA compliant technology. Please call 309-836-1582 if you would like to speak to a counselor or make an appointment for services.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255 (Veterans press 1)

Crisis Text Line:

Text 741-741 and type TALK

Veterans Crisis Line:

Text 838-255 and type TALK

88 is Pretty Great

Hi everyone,

Yeah, I miss my dad. I've seen people fight and wrestle (I'm trying not to use that word) with the death of a parent. Do I? Nah, not when the man had 88 "pretty good" years on earth, his words. Not when his body failed and his mind wasn't quick enough to keep up with the large group conversation anymore and he repeated himself on a circuit of rants. Not when he was frustrated more than he was content.

Did his greatest fear happen? That he would mindlessly repeat the phrase, "Have you ever been to Minneapolis?" over and over, as one of his elderly relatives did? No, not at all. He was the best introverted conversationalist I knew, able to pull a joke or a story or lecture on linguistics out of the spaghetti strands of his brain at just the right moment.

Richard would not have lasted long under the Cornavirus conditions of the nursing home he was confined to. Thank Goodness, thank Bob, thank Free Booklet he didn't have to. I have no regrets. I don't think he did either.

His last acting role at Western Illinois Museum as Abe Lincoln's photographer, 2018.

These Times

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I wanted to drop some sunshine here today, as my region is under cloud cover. I've been working on staying positive. Here are some thoughts I've been focusing on:

• we can do hard things
• I see your joy and light
• no one can take my joy and light away from me
• we will get through this
• what have I learned during this time of reflection?
• nature is at its finest, green, purple, pink, yellow, red
• birds carry on nesting and hatching, humans are doing the same

It's worth getting up for

I have not been up this early in awhile. The melatonin seems to be working but I didn't take it last night.

At 3:37 I woke up from a beautiful dream of coming home to find Adam on the stairs. I thought my eyes might be tricking me at first, and it was Eli or Cal in a different light. But he came down the stairs and we embraced and it was really him. He said, "I really like it here...out there."

My first awake conscious thought is, this must be how it is when you die. You can have these experiences in your brain (dreams) and basically they can be anything you want. Second thought: he's telling me he's okay, he likes where he is.

*as an added bonus the first thing I see on Messenger this morning is that Adam's friend Tara had a dream about him the previous night and found a picture of them in a box yesterday. I, too, had been going through stuff of Adam's yesterday, getting rid of things we hadn't found a use for, donating or tossing them. It is hard to let go anything that is his. Even an old, but expensive (he had to have the best) sleeping bag he hadn't used in a over a decade, let alone had we.