The Day I Became a Mama

June 11, 1988. I was having light contractions all morning, awaiting the okay to go into the hospital. I think it was one day past my due date. I had worked the day before (Friday) and planned to go back Monday if I didn't have a baby by then. I was 40 pounds heavier than my former weight, trying not to eat as instructed, rocking in my chair and waddling around trying to picture the rest of the day. I believe it was early afternoon when we were told to go to the hospital, St. Joseph's in Denver. My nurse mid-wife met us there, and decided to start inducing me as she didn't like how long I was taking to dilate. Since she came in wearing running clothes, I had the feeling there were things she'd rather be doing than delivering my baby. If you've ever been induced you know you are plunged into hard labor very quickly, and I didn't wait long before asking for an epidural. That was a godsend. Finally the pushing could start at the same time the epidural wore off. She wouldn't let me have any more...I felt the mid-wife was being kind of mean and yelling at me and finally with pure exhaustion I pushed him out. He came out kind of blue, and looking back, I sort of figured out things weren't going very well, and for some reason the doctor wasn't available. I don't know if she was doing something wrong (delivering babies without appropriate medical backup?), but I felt there was some panic on her part, but luckily he was a healthy 8 lb. 1/2 oz. bouncing baby boy.

Today is starting off nice. I opened the precious gifts from my boys, a "Cup of Sunshine" mug, colored pencils and whimsical sea creature coloring book, along with heartfelt messages of love. It's hard not to think about the call I won't get today, but these boys I have are filling my empty spaces with everything they've got. Luckily the heart expands to unbound places but I weep for the parents who have lost their only children. I pray their hearts find peace in knowing they loved most deeply and it was worth it.