Sunday, August 22, 2021

A Brutiful World

 As my fabulous and brilliant niece Dawn reminded me this week, quoting Glennon Doyle, life is Brute-iful, brutal and beautiful. I can attest to this. One minute something horrible happens, the next we are laughing or gaping at the beauty in the world. 

Liz Gilbert talks about a quote by Jack Gilbert (I'm assuming her father): We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. She says (I'm just going to quote her, since she says it best), "it doesn't deny the existence of suffering: it doesn't deny that the world is a ruthless furnace. But there is a fierce insistence on staying awake and staying afloat in the midst of that, that I go back to again and again." 

I found this passage just before starting my 8 week creativity workshop "Gifts From the Soul." It was accompanied by a picture of a nature Mandala, which I was planning to have the group make on Week 1. It was the first instance of synchronicity, a concept we explored in class as not an accidental occurrence but a divinely placed reminder of the order of the world. Yes, I just made that up. 

My most recent synchronous moment was Saturday morning yoga accompanied by Tony Bennett after Pat and I had just talked about Tony Bennett the night before. I was moved to tears at the end of yoga (possibly due to all the hip and heart openers we focused on) by a duet of Blue Velvet by Tony and k.d. lang. Yes, it was that beautiful. 

We must remain hopeful and open if we are to do any good in this world, and there is room for plenty of that. So keep your hips and hearts open, and you will find the most wonderful treasures right in front of your eyes, ears, noses, fingers, and tongues. Trust me on that. 

Friday, August 13, 2021

Visit to a Psychic

 You know when you really get your hopes up and can’t wait to do something, and then it falls short? That’s the deal with Cal’s and my reading with Vicki on July 3rd. I do want to say, though, I’m glad we went, it had some value, and we enjoyed our time together. So, if I sound negative, that was not my overall feeling.

Why were my hopes so high? Previous experience with psychics/mediums has been good or great. This woman was highly recommended by a friend of Adam’s where he came through crystal clear for her. And the setting was Gibson City, the town where Cal did his student teaching the fall after Adam’s death. His supervising teacher, Robbie, lost his brother, Adam, to suicide that Labor Day weekend. That’s too many coincidences to not have meaning. We were going to lunch with Robbie after our visit with Vicki so that was just a great topper to the day. I feel I went with a really open mind and heart.

Adam’s friend T. had told me about the gestures that Vicki channeled (she called it something else, mimicking maybe- she would say “he’s doing this” and then copy it). Vicki started our session with clutching her heart, the same thing she did for T. This was my dad who passed in 2020. Most of the session was spent there, I cynically believe because she thought that’s why we came. She asked if our maintenance lights were coming on (no), and said he had travelled with us to Gibson City that morning. She asked if we were discussing a big decision for Cal. We said no, but in retrospect it could have been that we talked about Cal getting his Master’s degree at some point in the future. She indicated my dad would weigh in on this, and he definitely would encourage that for Cal.

She described my dad as having “spunk,” not a word I would associate with him. She gestured him snapping his suspenders (a hard no, though he did wear red suspenders when dressing up). She said he was appearing about 45 years old in the prime of life and had a full head of hair, like he had lost it in his old age. Okay, this was the same scenario she told T. about her dad, minus the hair, but my dad never lost his hair. Cal and I just looked at each other like, “What??” She said he blew us a kiss (this came up for T., too) which my dad would never do. When we looked appalled she goes, “Yeah, it’s awkward for him, but he did it.” She said something about him eating a cheeseburger (not something he loved or ever really ate), and a dog. Absolutely not. My dad never had a dog, never ate a dog, and in fact hated dogs.

Next, she went on this whole thing about his mother, as if this was some special grandma to me. She said I had or would be getting something special from her.* I said probably not. She asked if I could smell her special cooking. This grandma was not a good cook, and I don’t remember anything special about her cooking except she made fudge out of mashed potatoes once.

Some things that rang true for my dad, although for most 88 year old grandfathers, yes? He was so proud of Cal and his sports (Cal was wearing sports gear), he was afraid of getting Alzheimer’s, Cal is better in sports than he was, Grandma shuffles her feet and he worries about her falling, and did I have something special in his writing? Yes, a visible tattoo. We talked about the cardinal being my dad’s sign from the other side. She said spirits don’t enter the animal but can control what they do. I told her about the cardinal in the road on Betsy’s and my way to the lake. She said he’s not very good at it yet, and he’s glad we didn’t hit it.

More spot off comments: he gestured with Popeye arms, that he would leave money in books, watch for a tree limb over the house. These were also things she told T. or pretty darn close. She said he dressed really nice and had lots of shoes. Not my dad at all.

Cal enjoyed a tangent Vicki went on about Cal and Gramps having a past life together, brothers perhaps. She felt like Cal was a Prince. She was seeing a Norse guide or something in Scandinavia. She said Dad would throw us coins. She did say Dad and Cal had a special relationship and that made him feel good. She said Gramps kept holding up two fingers together. I’ve never seen my dad do that.

Finally, after a long time she goes, “Is there anyone else you want to hear from?” after telling us in the beginning the room was full of people. We explained about our son/brother’s death by suicide. She kept seeing an Rx bottle, same as T. I endorsed that there were drugs in his system but he died by shooting himself. She said some things that I believe would be true for anyone who died by suicide, and things she thought would make us feel better. She said he called for help, but his friends blew it off. She called his friends “not stellar people” and that they gave him the “cocktail” that altered his mind and caused him to have crazy thoughts and kill himself. I have to say I was a little disturbed by this. I have come to know many of Adam’s college friends after his death and believe they are great, caring people. I don’t think any of them would try to hurt him, and I believe he made his own decisions about what to put into his body.

Vicki talked about Adam having a list of things to be accountable for. He never felt worthy. She said he was helping other spirits like him to redeem himself. This was mentioned by another psychic, and I couldn’t help but think of his friend Devin who died by overdose last year. She said he used to blame others and thought he was a disappointment. She said my dad was relieved Adam was there when he transitioned. She said Adam was a good kid who kept people at bay. He’s sorry about killing himself; it’s not what he wanted. It wasn’t planned but a chemical reaction caused by the drugs he took. She said he was soaring high, and if we see a shooting star, that’s him.

We probably shouldn’t have, but we tested her on a couple of things, and she had no clue. I’d have rather her say, “that’s not coming through” or “that’s not how this works” than to make a wrong guess, which she did. I guess that would have seemed more genuine.

Things she said to look for: something touching Cal’s hair, seeing something in Cal’s peripheral vision, Grandpa wanting Cal to get new shoes. She said he would touch my forehead while I’m sleeping (told T. a similar thing). The next day Cal reported a few happenings: he felt something in his hair (a bug), he did see movement in his peripheral vision that he never noticed before, and his friend David asked his shoe size and said he had a pair that size for Cal. I also found coins on the grass at our campsite as the family was all sitting around together talking about this. One other uncanny thing happened the week after our visit. I grabbed a clock from my mom’s house that I had been eyeing for my office. As I was driving home, I knew but suddenly realized, this was a clock that was bought in memory of dad’s mom after she died (it hung at the community theater until it recently closed and my mom brought it home), and it is inscribed with her name. I think this was the gift from my grandma Vicki was referring to. Well, that’s what I choose to believe, why else would I choose that day to take it rather than waiting until we moved back into our old office like I had originally planned.

Yeah, and why was her name Vicki, and my last name was “Vick.”

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Sensory Walk

 One component of self-compassion can be savoring. Savoring is the sensual sister of gratitude. Today after creativity group, we took a Sense and Savor Walk. Lakeview is the perfect spot for such a walk, 10 or 15 minutes to walk around and be drawn into whatever ignites your senses. 

I began by ambling towards a decaying stump, a visually interesting starting point. Inside I found a whole world living and growing. Ruffled layers of off-white fungi curled inside the log, reminding me of rich layers of frosting. Spiderwebs were evident in spots, and then a daddy long legs crawled up from beneath the rotting fronds. Ants were busy making whatever it is ants make. 

I moved along towards a rather new bridge I had noticed on previous visits. Never once had I thought, what is underneath, that this bridge is bridging (3 billygoats gruff?)? Well, what do you know? an adorable bubbling creek. There was a gorgeous dragonfly and a sparkling insect shimmering like gold. Some seeded scat on the planks kept me from lying down and hanging my head close to the water. 

On I trailed along the creek noting an old honey locust tree, with dried pods hanging from it. That struck me as unusual.  My back was warmed by the sun and it felt like a gentle massage. Up ahead I spotted the bee keeping area, fenced off complete with warning sign. Leave those bees alone! As I got closer one bee buzzed loudly around my head and I heeded its warning, veering up the green, lush hill towards a stand of bushes and trees. Delicate white flowers were teaming with flying insects. One honey bee was frantically skittering around, while the smaller bugs were daintily dipping. Another honey locust tree was devoid of pods. 

Back to our starting point, we shared our experiences, and I took a few notes. Selectively attending to positive experiences did indeed feel good, relaxing. I don't normally linger in nature, soaking in the small details of the natural world. As A. said, there's a lot going on out here!  

I will enthusiastically agree with Emily Dickinson who wrote, "To live is so startling, it leaves little room for other occupations." I will try to carry this into a new week with me. 

Monday, July 05, 2021

A Sunday Fourth

 Who gets up at 1:45 a.m. and makes Barf Balls (aka No-Bake Cookies) at 3:30 a.m. Raises hand. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea??

The barf balls are a treat for Cal to take on the road today. My intention was to teach him how to make them yesterday, but I got too busy. Started the morning with a wonderful weigh in. Could be due to proper elimination. Paddle boarding at Spring Lake and a leisurely ride-about in a rented pontoon. Home to prepare some food for the evening's festivities at Camp Rock, Chris' RV spot at Argyle Lake. I've always taken for granted these two nice resources we have within 10 miles of home. But, they are to be appreciated when you need a staycation with a little spice. 

After dining, the second round of Bags commenced with Toni vowing to stay 100% sober to vie for the Title of Champion. Chuck replaced Eli as my partner, and though he has some skills, we were not competitive whatsoever. Cal and Emery were victorious in two matches against Chris and Toni, once again, much to Chris' chagrin. 


Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Bags and more

 What a crazy few days it's been. Last evening was the topper (so far). We had a bags tourney extraordinaire. Eli and me vs. Cal and Emery vs. Chris and Toni in a double elimination format. Don't ask me what that is; all I know is we lost the first match against Cal and Emery 21-1 and still had a chance to come back. Our second match vs. Chris and Toni, I notched a couple of "corn holes" and earned the nickname Suzi Buckets. We lost 20-7 or something like that. By the last match up (obviously, we didn't make it there), the entire Fam had formed a cheering section for their favorites and it was exciting beyond exciting. Cal became Baby Buckets and Emery was the surprise Ace, who kept up with the Wily Veteran Chris, eventually taking home the invisible trophy and bragging rights for next year- or 4th of July.


Sibs just wanna have fun



Good sportsmanship is always appreciated


We had so many laughs- one of the most raucous was Betsy's failed attempt at taking a panoramic picture of everyone, which contorted Eli's face in a most uproarious way. 

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Solitude

 I have had a lousy sleeping (or non-sleeping) pattern lately. But this early morning, I took a break from my usual busyness that afflicts me at 1-2-3 a.m., and ate a cinnamon roll and had coffee on the front porch at 3:30 a.m. It was raining, and just the most peaceful, quiet feeling. I decided that I can eat sweets and decadent foods if they are really, really good, and Aly's cinnamon rolls are really, really good. So I savored the roll and the rain and my thoughts. Never mind, I had indulged in Aly's unbelievable lemon cake layers, filled with strawberry compote and lemon cream cheese buttercream, iced with vanilla swiss meringue buttercream just hours earlier (har har).

This peaceful early morning time is needed since I have been so surrounded by people non-stop since June 16. Six days in a car, sleeping in a room, and gathering with extended family members I have not seen in decades, or am just meeting. It takes a lot out of me. I had one walk by myself in those six days. When I got home, I went straight back to work, and some of my houseguests were here, and will be here until July 8th or 9th. That's 23 days out of my normally serene and slow lifestyle. I love and want them here dearly, but I crave and need my alone time, so here I am. 

Eli just came downstairs, fearing someone was breaking or wandering into the house. I told him this is a regular pattern for me, and I will probably go back to sleep in a bit and have some interesting caffeine induced dreams. 

My creative juices are flowing, and I think that wakes me up, too. I was inspired on my trip by some small local businesses that have the feel I am drawn to. If nobody took risks, nothing would ever get done. Creatives would not create, niches would not be found, positive energies would not flow out and spark new energy. 

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Challenges and Opportunities

 I was able to start my creativity group and have had two meetings so far. My expectations have been exceeded. Six women attended the first group, 3 for the second. I have heard interest from others who were invited. People are busy, and summer is vacation time for many. That's why I am excited to have had as many come as did. I know I am starting to explore my creativity in a different way, mentally. 

I'm a little disappointed that my goal of 50% BIPOC was not met. I think I can grow my relationships in this area in other ways. I just have to set my intentions and take the risks. I have started this process. 

I am happy to be where I am in life. The obstacles I imagine do not have to hold me back. My artist's date to Springfield was satisfying and poignant. I thought of the many places and times I had with Adam in the city, and how that day was his birthday, and we should have been together. I broke down after picking up my food at Little Saigon. It was one of the best ways to honor him on the day he started his life on earth. 

Monday, May 10, 2021






Adam, friends and his dad, Bill, 6/5/14 Hot Pot


Hannah, Eli at church in Gainesville, Easter, 2019


Cal with Guatamalan toddler, January 2016

I don't know if there's been a Mother's Day like this, none of my children home, none in Illinois. I did hear from them and feel their love. It was a blessed day as I got to spend time with my mom, too. 


I'm continuing my heavy reading in the morning. Dr. Glaude talks about the Legacy Museum and National Memorial for Peace and Justice as part of the new way to "begin again." 



In the afternoons I'm blowing through books by Louise Erdrich and Alicia Keys. I'm mulling over my own creative processes, longing for more. Life is exciting and wondrous when you open your eyes and allow it. 




 

Friday, April 23, 2021

Stuck in Time


 

I hate that Adam is stuck in 2016, no pictures, no talk, only possible signs and feelings. Something in a book reminded me of standing on our porch, facing north in June, a spectacular electrical show in the sky. No thunder, only crackling strands of lightning dancing in the night. We shared this moment together and even at the time I knew it was special. 

Friday, April 16, 2021

Dorothy Counts


 

I'm reading a borrowed book, and continuing my education and understanding of where we stand in this moment in time in America. The author tells the story of Dorothy Counts at 15 years old, in 1957, a freshman in high school, who was one of four students to first desegregate Harding High School in Charlotte, NC. She was greeted with screaming, racist insults, spit, and items thrown at her for nearly two blocks. Inside the building was not safe either. Can you imagine sending your child into this nightmare so that change may begin? Not blaming the parents. Admiring Dorothy and her parents for the courage and strength in this unfathomable situation. 

A piece of history I was not taught. In 1957, two years before my brother was born, 5 years before I was born. How can this be? 



Tuesday, April 06, 2021

Day 21 Take Action in the Your Area

 I have been putting off this last reflection because perhaps it requires action and commitment, two things I'm again afraid of failing at. I have also been wrestling with anxiety over the Derek Chauvin murder trial and the fear that somehow this vile man is going to get away with murder. I'm not so much worried about the worldwide reaction if he is acquitted, but the message that would send, and the further schism in this country that may result; larger than the Grand Canyon, wider than the Mississippi, and greater than the Great Lakes. I don't think I'm being dramatic. 

My action points are to build a more diverse circle around me and speak up and out more when something is wrong or I don't agree. 

I completed the One Human Family survey (passive) feeling I didn't contribute much. 

Monday, March 29, 2021

Day 20 Final Reflections

 REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

  1. What is my race and how has it impacted my life? How does my race allow me to have higher social capital or privilege in certain environments, or vice versa? 

  2. What were some of my assumptions about race and racial inequity before I started this 21-day challenge? In what ways have these assumptions been challenged? In what ways have they been reinforced? 

  3. Where have I seen evidence of inequities and systemic and structural racism in my community? 

  4. What two to three shifts, changes or actions, can I take to create a more inclusive and equitable environment in my home, workplace, and community? 


1. I've always considered my race White or Caucasian, European American ethnicity. My place of privilege has meant I have not had to consider my race on a daily basis, have not been discriminated against because of it, and been privy to walking through any doors I have chosen to, without a thought.
However, I have never done a DNA test, but am curious to know if there are some other races mixed in. I would be delighted to find African, Asian or Indigenous bloodlines in my DNA.

2. I've had moments of awakening in the past: attending my first Juneteenth celebration in Denver, CO in 1986 and being in the minority for the first time in my life; taking a gay male colleague to a local diner, and suddenly wondering if he felt uncomfortable. The challenge definitely got me thinking about how ubiquitous racial inequality is. I realized that it's something some people don't have the luxury of ignoring.

3. Everywhere: I see people of color working mainly low wage jobs in food service. Mostly white county board, police force, fire department.

4. Bring up the conversation. Challenge what I disagree with. Call out wrongness.

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Day 18 and 19

 You are an ally if you seek to understand what it feels like for another person or group to be oppressed, and despite knowing you will never fully understand how it feels, you are committed to valuing and supporting people who are marginalized. 

 2020 has been a very divisive year, one reason for the formation of the local One Human Family chapter, the sponsor of this 21 day racial equity challenge. 

A new term to me, "asset-framing" uses narratives to change the unconscious associations ingrained in our society. The opposite practice of deficit-framing, or defining people by their challenges, encourages continued stigmatization of groups of individuals. 

The above are some quotes from the material provided on the topics of allyship and the racial equity change process. Fancy ways of saying, I support my fellow humans who have been marginalized, and I will work for change out in the world.

I have already failed. An opportunity for me to speak up at a staff meeting when a weakness was identified as lack of diversity amongst us. The leader and others concluded aloud there is nothing we can do about this, I think implying we don't get diverse applicants to apply. Everything in me wanted to cry out, that's not the answer. I don't have the answer/s but that's not good enough. But my little mind didn't let me speak up. My fear held me back. Would they argue, demand I give the answers I'm not sure of? I had nothing to lose, and yet I was silent. How many times has a person who has been marginalized been silent or silenced, when I of privilege am afraid to speak up?

I don't like confronting this reality, but this is where I am at.

Monday, March 08, 2021

DAY 17: Building a Race Equity Culture

 One Human Family, who has sponsored and organized this racial equity challenge, sure has pulled together a lot of resources. Today's challenge is about making the workplace more inclusive. I didn't think I had much influence on hiring practices, but I can make sure all feel welcomed- parents who need time off for their kids, people with disabilities, black and brown co-workers and clients. 

Sunday, March 07, 2021

DAY 16: Equity & The LGBTQI+ Community

 Another topic I know something about. Intersectionality is a term used when a person has more than one identity that is subject to discrimination. For example, Black trans female, or a person who is disabled and also happens to be Latinx. 

One interesting question I got from the following video about how to be an ally was to examine what your intention is in being an ally.



I really have to put on my thinking cap for this one. I have been drawn to the LGBTQ community for a long time. I have been eager to attend trainings, educate myself, work, and befriend persons from this particular minority group. Maybe it's my love of the underdog. Maybe it's because of my own internal struggles that I can relate. 

This video explains why pronouns are important. 



This has come into focus in my personal life as a close family member has come out as non-binary. I get frustrated with arguments against using the pronouns "they, them, theirs." Just do it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If we are uncomfortable, imagine what it's like to be the person who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold of society. 

Thursday, March 04, 2021

DAY 15: Adverse Childhood Experiences

 Finally, I know something about: ACES. And I am caught up on my challenges. 

Adverse Childhood Experiences are measured by how many of 10 factors you experienced as a child. The more you have, the worse physical and mental health outcomes you will experience over your lifetime. The interesting thing is, the original study was done on college educated persons who had health insurance. You can find your ACES score here: https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores. Things like parent separation or divorce, parent in prison, parent alcoholic or mentally ill, physical abuse, and witness to domestic violence are some of the questions. 

I have read Nadine Burke Harris' book The Deepest Well and watched her Ted Talks. I highly recommend them if you want to understand how impactful trauma is on humans. 

I also love the idea of resilience:

Building Resilience

 
The habits, practices, and cognitive strategies featured above are key to building resilience.
[View a larger version of the Resilience Pyramid]
 

Everyone faces challenges and hardship at times.

Resilience is your ability to cope with and bounce back from stress and adversity, and hopefully even grow through the experience. It is sometimes referred to as “thriving” … and not just surviving.

Resilient people are more likely to ...

  • meet the demands of their academic/work and personal lives successfully
  • take action to deal with challenges, problems, and setbacks
  • seek support and assistance when they need it
  • know when to stop, rest, and replenish inner resources
  • have a sense of independence, self-efficacy, and self-worth
  • form and maintain positive, mutually-respectful relationships with others
  • have a sense of purpose and goals for the future

Resilience is not a fixed state. You may be more resilient at different times in your life than others. Most importantly, resilience can be learned, practiced, developed, and strengthened.

DAY 14: Education & School-Aged Children

 Did you have teachers who looked like you? Did you have toys and books that looked like you? What messages were you taught about race? How did those messages compare to what you saw around you?


I'm not really into reading a bunch of statistics, so for today's challenge I will just journal on the prompts above that were given.

Scratch that. I looked at the stats for my local school district and the surrounding schools, and see that only my area had enough (more than 10) Black students to report on. That was kind of shocking in 2021. Only one district (not mine) had enough Hispanic students to report on. Both groups performed less well on state testing. No percent of the Black or Hispanic students exceeded standards on English or math. There's obviously a lot of work to do here.

Anecdotally, my son reports that his primarily Black students perform better in math than English.


Tuesday, March 02, 2021

DAY 13: Behind the Starting Line — Racialized Outcomes in Early Childhood

 Have you heard the brew-ha about Illinois' new culturally responsive teaching standards? OMG, another example of backlash against the BLM movement, in my humble opinion. Why are all these White people getting their pants in a bunch over teacher education programs opening eyes to differences they are going to encounter in their teaching career? If a White student was in a predominantly Black school with all Black teachers, wouldn't you want them to have an understanding of your child's background? 

Quality early childhood education is known to increase future school success, and you're probably not surprised to hear that more Black pre-schoolers are suspended from school than their White counterparts. And over-identified for special education. 

DAY 12: The Racial Wealth Gap

Doing this racial equity work is exhausting. It makes me wonder how BIPOC (Black and Indigenous People of Color) feel and how they become successful with the odds stacked against them. There are many who do, so why do we stereotype them as people who are not successful. 

There are both gaps in income and wealth. Some explanations have been previously mentioned such as home ownership. Whites own more stocks, other real estate and businesses, which are riskier but have higher average returns over time. Whites have better jobs that offer pensions and long term saving and investing opportunities. 

Here's another factor I had not thought about:

The magnitudes of differences in inheritances have been found to be large. Avery and Rendall (2002) use the 1989 SCF to document that far fewer black households reported receiving an inheritance than whites and that, of those who did, the average value was about five times smaller than that of their white counterparts.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

DAY 11: What is Environmental Racism?

 People of color disproportionately live in neighborhoods with environmental hazards. And no one cares enough to fix them, the people with the resources, that is. Think Flint, Michigan and the lead problem. I also read that in poor neighborhoods in New York City, there are less trash bins on the street because the city doesn't want to pick them up. So there is more garbage on the streets.