Who Are You?

Warning: this post has nothing (?) to do with the song by The Who.

When we have children, those of us so privileged, we think our job is to raise them to be who we want/think they should be. At least this was my assumption. It wasn't until I had near adult children, and perhaps am still grasping this: our job, my job, is to raise them to be who they are meant to be. 
When this first dawned on me, what a game changer.

Today during gentle yoga, the song mix took me back to my young adulthood, and who I thought I was and was going to be. Four beautiful fall seasons I basked in the Colorado sunshine, the shimmering Aspens, and the crisp mountain air. My vision of myself was of a modern-esque hippie for the 80's smelling of a mix of patchouli and garlic, living in a funky eclectic house, wearing Birkenstocks, and cooking all my meals from The Enchanted Broccoli Forrest. Who remembers this iconic cookbook? Indeed I did live out this fantasy to some extent, once gleaning cabbage in the fields for the hungry, wearing a jean jacket all winter, making my own egg rolls, taking weekend hikes and jaunts to new places.

Somewhere along the way (divorce, 3 kids, remarriage, responsible jobs, moving a few times, depression), I lost my vision and lived a survival existence. Not a bad one, I'm not saying that. But post-empty nest and adult child loss survivor, I can re-visit and re-invent myself or maybe just re-tool a bit.

Sufjan Stevens and The Civil Wars are two groups that resonate with me. Did I just say resonate? I hate that word. Could I be any more middle class white privileged middle aged woman on a self-discovery journey? I guess I will have to take the hit on that.

I love how music can take you to a certain place and time. Stevens and The Civil Wars were not even musical artists in the 80's but their vibe brings me to that fresh and formative time of my life. Now is my time to live without the bounds of anyone's expectations, do things that involve risk, and make the life I haven't yet imagined. I am working towards these goals. Meditating then reflecting and writing are the means I use to sort this out. What I vision is sort of like This is Us, where I'm anchored in the present, pay homage to the past, and catch glimpses of the future, all while a really cool soundtrack is ubiquitously playing on cue.