A Spiritual Experience

It feels almost too big to describe with words. This weekend was the Springfield Out of the Darkness Walk. It has become, thankfully, kind of a UIS reunion for Adam's posse, crew, village, whatever you want to call it. UIS being a small school, it sounds like everyone knew each other that lived on campus in the townhouses. This year, two of Adam's high school friends joined us, and that made it even more special. These two honeys, Tara and Ashley:

I have to say, Ashley gave me the biggest laugh of the day about how she and Adam discovered they were both living in Springfield, which involved a comedy club and Pauly Shore. I won't say anymore because you have to hear Ashley tell it. Tara has been my rock, outside my family, since reaching out to me shortly after Adam's death.

I'll just give a shout out to each special person starting with those who have attended every year, this being our fourth. Tim, a roommate, workmate and long time friend, Zach, a sports nut who was devastated when Adam died, Jonathon, the sweetest guy ever (brought me a magnet from Trieste, Italy during his travels last summer and wearing a shirt Adam gave him that day), Sam, a quiet but steady friend, Brent, a gregarious soul who knows the importance of telling stories about the person you lost, Kallie, Brent's wife and a sweetheart, Tae, in from Chicago and the last person to see Adam alive, Matt, from Arizona, somewhere Adam talked about moving to since he knew Matt was out there and Sarah, popped up this year and knew Adam through his first roommate, Rob. Michael (the one who hauntingly resembles Adam) and his son Eli are not pictured but Michael knew Adam briefly. Brittany and Chloe were first timers who came with Ashley and Tim and didn't know Adam.

I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a friend in this way at such a formative age. I hope this annual gathering is as healing for them as it is for me. We went to the pool hall again before dinner at Mario's Italian Kitchen. Everything went so perfect, it scares me more than a little to think about this tradition ending or losing it's magic. I have to believe that will be okay, too, and doesn't mean we don't remember Tut.

My take-away this year is this. I have felt Adam's presence, and he is loving that I found his people, and that I know he was loved in this way.

On the way home, I was confident I would hear "Africa" by Toto on the radio. About four songs in, on it came. I belted out the first and third chorus, but number two, I sobbed. Thinking about the story Kelsey told me, that she and Adam sang this together and he remembered it as his father's and my wedding song still hits me hard every time. It's these little stories and insights that make moving forward possible. My son was loved and although he couldn't win the battle inside his head, I know he knew this now.