Last of the Letters for Now. Stayed tuned for my Novel, har har

 11-26-89

Adam's appetite did pick up last night temporarily. He ate soup and lots of graham crackers. Today all he ate was oatmeal and Kix. It is really frustrating and emotionally draining as it is so worrisome. He was really fussy-cranky. 

Hopefully we will have a picture of Adam for Christmas cards. They took his photo at daycare a couple of weeks ago. No idea how they turned out.

I'm exhausted from sleeping so much this weekend. The night Chris arrived we stayed up until about 2:30. The next 3 nights we went to bed at 9 pm. The restaurant where we had Thanksgiving at was real nice-Ramada Inn. I specially enjoyed whipped badadas. There were some people there who got to know Adam cuz he was running all over. They go, "Here comes Adam." Chris says I have a Buffalo accent. 

Dear Family

 From Buffalo

7-24-89

Adam likes our next door neighbor, Fred, a big black Bow-Wow. I had Bill bring the TV down last night. Adam watched Jim Henson hour and kept saying "Coo-Coo" or Cookie Monster when Oscar came on. 

8-something-89

We went to a party at the house of Bill's department chair. They had an in-ground pool that Adam put his feet in. I'm pretty convinced that his beastliness at Artpark was caused by his toes being curled under in the Reeboks, cause at this party he became beastly for no apparent reason, so I tried taking his shoes off and there were lots of wrinkles and redness around his toes. 

I sort of got hooked on those Orange Milano cookies, Lou. They're really good once they're in your mouth. Adam really likes them, too. He was smearing chocolate on both our faces earlier this evening. Then he led me out of the cookie room into another, then he snuck back and went straight for the cookies. He calls  Mickey Mouse, dinosaurs and Big Bird all "Coo-Coo." 

A grad student from DU got a teaching job at University of North Dakota. I told Bill that would be a good place for us to settle, so we could spend summers at the Farm. But we decided Adam would be too radical/cool for the kids there. 

9-16-89

Adam is getting quite grown up. He is now going to daycare two days a week, and seems to be doing okay. He cries when we leave and cries when we pick him up, but have been told by the teachers, he does stop in between. His vocabulary is growing, to include dada, mama, gaga (grandpa), baba (baby), bowbow (bow wow), biggee (miss piggy), coocoo (cookie monster), baba (bottle). As parents we know the subtle differences between bottle, baby, and bow wow, but I doubt others would distinguish so easily. He is really an amazing little challenge. We got him some adorable red canvas sneakers, which remind me of myself with Grandma Topp at the Farm wearing the same red sneakers, at about Adam's age.

9-17-89

We had a really nice time last night. Adam was a very good boy for the babysitter* and she seemed to really enjoy him. 

*I wonder if this was my friend Gretchen, before we really became friends? I do remember her babysitting a time or two.

9-24-89

Adam helped me design some stationary for this week's letter. Pretty nifty, huh?* Hey, he's got 1 1/2 new teeth, maybe the cause of all the night waking and lingering cold symptoms. Also, he has a new thing called the "Zyzzy shuffle." After Icky Woods got injured, he took over with a shuffling dance step that is very funny to watch. Sometimes he does it to music, sometimes not. 

*paper covered with crayon scribbles

I bought a mock red turtleneck today on a shopping fiasco with Adam. We went to that bookstore with all the cards and gifts, Lou, and he totally took command, with two jingly pencils in his hands, he was off on a rampage, and I could not control him. 

Lou, I've been using that pretty framed picture of you to teach him "Ru Ru" but haven't had much success yet. He says "truck" spontaneously and barks instead of saying "bowbow" sometimes. 

10-8-89

We went to a birthday party for 3 year old Isaac, whose dad is a 5th year English grad student. Adam played by himself and with Rosalie, daughter of two English grad students, and in Adam's daycare, but on opposite days. She's 1 1/2 months older, same size but very dark hair and white skin. She's cute in a deprived, pixie-ish way. She and Adam were shoveling popcorn into their mouths; Adam feeding Rose, too. 

Then some of the older kids were opening Isaac's gifts for him and back in a corner was Rose opening the gift Adam brought. It was chaos. Barbara Bono, professor of English and mother of two year old John who goes to daycare also, says to Rose's dad, "That daughter of yours is a bold piece!" in an English accent. 

Betsy, Adam called you "Ga ga" today. I'm sorry. 

10-20-89

Here are a few Adam anecdotes. We took him to McDonalds and he really enjoyed dipping his fries into ketchup and sucking it off. Actually, he mostly used one fry and it got really soggy. Then we played in the indoors playground and Adam was able to do a big slide (curvy) all by himself (we spotted him of course). But he loved it so much saying, "Wheee."

We say "one" Adam says "two three" really clearly. This is a very good trick. 

Lately Adam is very attached to the cotton blanket I crocheted for him. He's fussy about 7:30-8pm until we go get or he leads us into the room to get blankie. Then he sometimes falls asleep beside me on the couch, so precious. 

He seems to know the difference between a bus and a truck. He even said "Bu" when he saw a picture of the Metro Rail downtown. When we come home and pick him up or get him at daycare, he immediately waves Bye Bye to the babysitters. 

Letters to my Family

 I have been going through volumes of old letters, pictures and memorabilia of my own, my parents, my kids. I am sharing the following entries taken from letters I wrote to family in the year or two after Adam's birth. I am sharing it because he is not here to give this to; he won't be able to read of the funny things he did and the way he was loved from the beginning. It might be painful, but for me necessary, and carthartic.

Adam Nicholas born June 11, 1988, the first grandchild on both sides 

9-11-88

Hi-

Zyzzy (nickname for Adam from a character on Pee Wee's Playhouse) and I are listening to Brahms and Junk. He is making sounds along with it, especially yelps where he sucks in air and makes a sound. He is beary cute, as you know. Today is Adam's 3 month birthday. Bill and I argue about whether he's supposed to be doing 3 or 4 month old things. I say this will be his third month, and Bill says he's in his fourth month. 

10-5-88

No pictures of Adam lately. Zyzzy is doing well. He misses you. He is fussy now so I must go. Love, Susie

10-26-88

The Tuttles were quite taken with Zyzzy, though he did his share of wailing.

11-5-88

Did I tell you we gave Adam rice cereal twice this week? He's had some trouble waking up in the middle of the night, so we tried that. It didn't work the first time, so maybe tonight. He did seem to enjoy eating, though very messy and time consuming. I'm not sure I'm ready for this step.

Betsy, did I tell you how much I think Adam looks like you, from my feeding view of him, especially the nose and mouth? It is so cute. I remember you being much younger, with that wonderful creamy pink skin. 

11-6-88

I had a bunch of pictures to send to a bunch of different people of our beautiful son that I wanted to show off, but decided I wasn't in the mood to write 10 different letters. So this will be a GENERIC letter. I guess that means I have to talk about all the exciting news.

Well, obviously Adam is the most exciting element in our lives. He is growing fast ie. for all you who are not parents, outgrowing his clothes. He is really a happy little child, especially when we have the time to hold him every moment. We are subtly working on getting him to play independently for longer periods of time, although I'm not sure the neighbors think it's so subtle when they hear him wailing for attention. He is long past the days of sleeping all the time.

The other night I was holding Adam on my lap while we were eating dinner, when Bill sneezed. Little Adam threw back his head and laughed out loud. As we continued to fake sneeze, he just thought it was hilarious, laughing louder and longer. Of course, we were in hysterics laughing at him, and it went on and on. Bill went and got his new tape recorder and began taping, which will be a treasured moment forever. I said at the time, he probably won't do this again for awhile and sure enough, he no longer thinks fake sneezing is quite so funny. He is really testing out his vocal chords with different kinds of yelping, babbling, gurgling, cooing and all those other wonderful sounds a baby makes. 

Another milestone occurred last night as Bill and I left Adam with a friend of mine to have dinner and a movie. As we were putting on our jackets and saying bye-bye, he looked over and recognized that we were leaving and began crying. That was the first time he seemed aware that he was being left with a stranger. 

Everyone seems to comment on Adam's big blue eyes. If you haven't seen him yet in person, and rely on our pictures, you are probably thinking, "Blue eyes? I thought he had red eyes." 

If this sappy letter doesn't gag you, please write back and let us know how you all are. We miss getting regular weekly mail as we did when the Vicks were in China. And believe it or not, I kind of miss having to write at least one letter every Sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. I will end with this original quote by me:

CHILDBIRTH----IT IS WORTH IT!!

Love, Susan                                                                  Bill                                        Adam

90 A-

(Bill thought this was a student assignment

and accidentally graded it. I gave his letter

an F (for failing to complete assignment).

Hoarding

 I think I've written several blogs on the topic of hoarding, but here's a different take. This morning at 3 a.m., sleepless again, I was going through my basket of cards on the mantle, trying to get rid of some clutter. Some date back to last fall. In among them, I found this gem (among many other touching, thoughtful cards and notes):

February 2020

I'll always be here for you,

Pinky Promise.

Missing Adam, wanting him to walk through the door, loving Adam, will always be a part of my life. And for as long as I live, I promise, he will be in my heart.

You are dearly loved, Susan, by so many, and though the expression may not always be clear, it is there, just as Adam is with us still. Believe in the unseen, try to trust even if you don't feel, you are loved. When you need to hear that message and know it in your heart, call me, and I will remind you that I love you and I truly am here for you-just for you-in your glory and your heartbreak-when you need me. I will always share our umbrella, to shade us from the sun and protect us from the rain.

I love you, 

Your lil sis

This past weekend my lil sis and I spent the weekend in Springfield at the Out of the Darkness Experience. A little different this year because of the pandemic, Adam's closest friends from college showed up and helped us celebrate and honor his life. It's hard not to imagine him being there, just one of the gang talking, playing pool, and sharing a meal. Simple things he's not here to enjoy. 

Autumn Falls

 Fall is not my favorite, but that moon last night...

I have a hard time when losing sunlight and can feel the blahs coming on. But I can't deny there are some really cool things happening-one being the weather. No need for A/C or heat. Just perfection around here. Crunchy leaves, hedge apples and acorns, even when I slip occasionally while walking. And what about those caramel apples? Must have nuts. 

Bonfires and S'mores.  A lot of traditions are cancelled because of the pandemic. Even Trick or Treating?!

School

 This morning I walked my old route to Lincoln School where I attended for 7 years. My kids went there, too, after it became an "attendance center" for K-3rd grade. Adam walked there for one year, and Eli and Cal for 4 years. 

It got me thinking about how things change and some things stay the same. Along my walk I saw school buses coming down our street after dropping off the kids. I was glad to see that because last week school was closed for one day due to a shooting in Macomb. So, I felt at peace that nothing horrible happened today. I'm sorry I have these thoughts in today's world. 

Nearer the school, I saw parents walking there kids up to school with masks on. Yes, this is the new normal. Other than masks, it was sweet to see the little ones holding hands with their moms and dads, and entering school, albeit, they only attend in person two days per week.

Back in my day, Kindergarten was the first time most kids had a social group experience. Now many kids go to daycare and pre-school. School teaches us society's norms and how to get along with others, even bullies and Eddie Haskells. I guess that dates me, too. 

I wasn't a target in school, I kept pretty quiet and obedient, so when I did get corrected or chastised by a teacher, I was crushed. Mean kids left me alone, too. I was lucky. Today there are so many ways to be cruel, and you can do it behind a computer screen. 

I hope the kids are safe, learning and becoming good citizens. They have a different experience than I did, but it's their experience. Bless them and everyone muddling through this pandemic. 

Pretty

 

This spoke to me this morning. And then Blogger is being really annoying and changed everything up. I can't even stop the underlining. I'm going to go to a piece of paper and pencil. 

Short Memory

My son gave me some good advice over this last little time together. I was stewing and rehashing an event that happened. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, yadda, yadda. He said the best advice he ever got from, I believe it was Robbie, his supervising teacher during student teaching, was to have a short memory. He gave the example of having a short memory about losing our trip to Australia; money spent or wasted is not going to get him down.

At first I balked, and argued, I must remember this, I must learn from this. I don't want to forget this and make the same mistake again. I must figure this out. I must do better.

Then I stopped and realized, there's nothing I can do right now, and I do need to stop overthinking this. The little phrase "short memory" has since come back to me several times and is just the quick reminder I need to move on and not let things eat me up.

Thanks Cal, you're a wise young man. And I'm glad I found your headphones, as I know you were struggling to have a short memory on that one.

Words of Affirmation

My love language is Words of Affirmation, so that is the one I tend to give to others first. During my meditation today, I thought I would like to affirm the special people in my life.

Shout out to my kids, whom I couldn't be more proud of. Cal is inquisitive, deep, connected, and thoughtful. Eli is silly, creative, bright, and accepting. Hannah is loving, intelligent, soulful, and social. Adam is a straight shooter, brilliant, lively, and haunting.

Pat, who has been by my side 29 years and counting, no matter what, is reliable, funny-goofy, hard-working, and wholesome.

What the heck, I'm going to just do up the whole family.

Ethan is talented, heart-driven, sensitive, and gentle. Betsy is kind, hilarious, tenacious, and emotional. Chuck is family-oriented, helpful, knowledgeable, and charitable.

Michael is smart, athletic, funny, and adroit. Megan is adventurous, special, persistent, and joyful. Laura is artistic, committed, lovely, and caring. Chris is jocular, devoted, ethical, and steadfast.
Donna is nurturing, busy, spiritual, and adaptable.

Mom is clever, giving, assertive, and authentic. Dad is sharp-witted, tender-hearted, poetic, and brave.

It's just like the empty nest all over again. Cal is headed back to Florida to prepare for his new teaching job and soak up the last bits of summer. Hannah and Eli are continuing on their journey to visit her side of the family.

We had a bustling two weeks of camp fires, homemade ice cream, birthday celebrations, games, getting the pontoon stuck on a mud bank, musical performances, swimming in a borrowed pool, visiting, and food, lots of food.

I didn't think I was going to feel this let down this time, but I do. So many fun and exciting things happened over the past two weeks, I should be filled with gratitude and contentment. I'll get there. I'm going to honor this moment, this time of feeling blue and empty. It could also be the beans, which emptied me of my entire digestive tract in a most inconvenient manner.

On another note, I started reading my dad's journals, the seven or so assigned to me. Equal amounts assigned to my siblings. I have to say, they are pretty boring. If I am boring you like this, please stop reading or tell me. Maybe I am the only person who thinks I am interesting...

Corona+

I remember in March when I heard the first murmurings of "quarantine." Some local students returned early from Denmark and had to self-quarantine at home for two weeks. That sounded absolutely impossible. By March 21, the entire state of Illinois was ordered to stay at home for two weeks and schools were closed, a biggie.

It was confusing at first, but I showed up for work Monday unclear what Stay At Home really meant. Deemed an 'essential worker' in mental health, we continued to work, and I was grateful I wouldn't find out what it meant to really stay home for any amount of weeks. I like my structure and routine. We got set up to meet most of our customers at home through tele-health. 

Then we had a nice surprise, our kids came home since public school teachers and grad students were sent home. It was nice to hang out an extra time since we had just seen each other in February for Dad's memorial service. 

Two weeks of quarantine turned into all of April, then unbelievably all of May. Watching the virus numbers climb, and the death toll rise. 

Now it is July, and where the H did time go? I feel like this was the quickest 6 months of my life. Now we are together again (my family of origin plus my kids). Florida folks are here but they have tested negative for Covid. They are writing and playing music and hanging out. Aside from masks in public, everything feels pretty normal. Let's hope we all stay healthy. 

BLM

I haven't blogged in F-O-R-E-V-E-R, but don't think I haven't been thinking, feeling and doing. Since my last post, the world has erupted over the murder of George Floyd. That police officer's face, knowing he was being filmed and killing that man, and those sworn to protect not stopping him. This has really set off my brain and emotions. I have noticed one thing, I am about stories. I think stories are the most powerful way to teach and understand. George Floyd's story has changed the course of history.

I've been educating myself through podcasts, listening and reading about Black experience, forcing myself to watch the news. At times I fear a civil war is brewing, and other times I'm filled with hope because I see more people speaking up for what is right. It's not enough to say, "I treat everyone the same." Even if you mean it, which is clearly debatable.

Systems are stacked against minorities, and opportunities are not equal. I have NEVER been stopped for walking in the street and asked for ID. I would never dream I need an ID to walk down the street. My car has never been searched during a routine traffic stop. I usually get a warning when I do something wrong, not a pat down. I have never been harmed by a Black man the way I have been by White men.

In answer to why we don't say "All Lives Matter" I like this analogy: when we talk about breast cancer awareness, people don't get upset and say, "But ALL cancer matters." Black lives matter, too, and as much as other lives, which has not been shown to be the case in this country.

And one more thing, we need to teach real history in this country, and acknowledge the harm symbols of slavery do to those who were enslaved and had their history erased when they were brought here from Africa. We are still "whitewashing" the history of this country. I was shocked to learn Abraham Lincoln was morally against slavery, but did not think the races should 'mix' or that they were equal. I have however, known what Juneteenth was since 1986 (DT, you SOB).

My place of White privilege and person with some social currency is to be a visible ally to my Black brothers and sisters, and bring my perspective for consideration to my White counterparts in a way that dialogue can happen. I admittedly have a lot of work to do and quite honestly, I feel Adam is pushing me along this path. I can't help but think he would have rejoiced in this change coming. I pray that he is watching.

I have broken down in tears several times over the overt racism that still exists today, and even talking about some of the things that have happened recently. My heart hurts.

https://cssp.org/2020/03/recognizing-race-in-language-why-we-capitalize-black-and-white/

https://www.history.com/news/5-things-you-may-not-know-about-lincoln-slavery-and-emancipation

May 2020

May is Mental Health Month

We are living in challenging times as the world we knew has turned upside down. I want you to know you are not alone. Mental Health has been a national focus in May since 1949, and it’s more important now than ever. We need to practice inner and outer self-care during this time of uncertainty. Now is not the time to compare yourself to others who are using extra down time to improve their home or physique if you are struggling to get through what feels like an endless day. We are experiencing grief on a personal level and a societal level simultaneously. Whether you are experiencing job loss, cancelled vacation plans, postponed medical or dental procedures, or the losing someone you love, this level of change requires respect and compassion with ourselves. The internal work of deep grief takes a lot of energy, and this is probably why you feel so fatigued.

Unfortunately, more suicides occur in the late spring than other times of year. It is helpful to be mindful of our feelings and confide in someone you trust. You can also speak kindly to yourself as you would a friend. Rather than bash yourself, you can tell yourself something like, “I see your pain. This is difficult and confusing.” Self-compassion is a tool that takes practice.

This is a good time to check in with friends and family who may be having a hard time or isolating. If you don’t like talking on the phone, send a text, direct message, Snapchat or drop a note in the mail.

I wanted to share a couple of resources from organizations that have been advocating for mental health for decades below.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

Afsp.org/mental-health-and-covid-19

National Alliance on Mental Illness:

Nami.org/covid-19-guide

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Hotline (Substance Abuse):

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

If you find yourself unable to shake your feelings of discomfort, depression, or fear, Behavioral Health Services is providing TeleHealth services during the stay-at-home orders by phone and video chat using HIPAA compliant technology. Please call 309-836-1582 if you would like to speak to a counselor or make an appointment for services.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255 (Veterans press 1)

Crisis Text Line:

Text 741-741 and type TALK

Veterans Crisis Line:

Text 838-255 and type TALK

88 is Pretty Great

Hi everyone,

Yeah, I miss my dad. I've seen people fight and wrestle (I'm trying not to use that word) with the death of a parent. Do I? Nah, not when the man had 88 "pretty good" years on earth, his words. Not when his body failed and his mind wasn't quick enough to keep up with the large group conversation anymore and he repeated himself on a circuit of rants. Not when he was frustrated more than he was content.

Did his greatest fear happen? That he would mindlessly repeat the phrase, "Have you ever been to Minneapolis?" over and over, as one of his elderly relatives did? No, not at all. He was the best introverted conversationalist I knew, able to pull a joke or a story or lecture on linguistics out of the spaghetti strands of his brain at just the right moment.

Richard would not have lasted long under the Cornavirus conditions of the nursing home he was confined to. Thank Goodness, thank Bob, thank Free Booklet he didn't have to. I have no regrets. I don't think he did either.

His last acting role at Western Illinois Museum as Abe Lincoln's photographer, 2018.

These Times

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

I wanted to drop some sunshine here today, as my region is under cloud cover. I've been working on staying positive. Here are some thoughts I've been focusing on:

• we can do hard things
• I see your joy and light
• no one can take my joy and light away from me
• we will get through this
• what have I learned during this time of reflection?
• nature is at its finest, green, purple, pink, yellow, red
• birds carry on nesting and hatching, humans are doing the same

It's worth getting up for

I have not been up this early in awhile. The melatonin seems to be working but I didn't take it last night.

At 3:37 I woke up from a beautiful dream of coming home to find Adam on the stairs. I thought my eyes might be tricking me at first, and it was Eli or Cal in a different light. But he came down the stairs and we embraced and it was really him. He said, "I really like it here...out there."

My first awake conscious thought is, this must be how it is when you die. You can have these experiences in your brain (dreams) and basically they can be anything you want. Second thought: he's telling me he's okay, he likes where he is.

*as an added bonus the first thing I see on Messenger this morning is that Adam's friend Tara had a dream about him the previous night and found a picture of them in a box yesterday. I, too, had been going through stuff of Adam's yesterday, getting rid of things we hadn't found a use for, donating or tossing them. It is hard to let go anything that is his. Even an old, but expensive (he had to have the best) sleeping bag he hadn't used in a over a decade, let alone had we.

Obsessed

I can't even.

Yes, I can. I discovered this book by accident. I don't follow Reese Witherspoon but somehow ran across her announcement that Untamed was her April book club choice. I then started seeing videos by Glennon Doyle called "Morning Meetings." There was something about her that made me order the book. I rarely buy books, but with the library closed...

I got it and devoured it. It's part memoir, part handbook, part love story, and a whole lotta feminist theory in an easy to digest way. Take for example the chapter on shampoo. Glennon notices the descriptions on the shampoo bottles in her kids' shower. The boys shampoo sounds like they are going to war. The girls shampoo is soft and diminutive.

Indeed, I looked in my shower at the bottle of Axe and found this:

The cleaner you get (picture of man showering)

The dirtier you get (picture of man and woman)

Unlimited female attention 

I kid you not. We are literally being conditioned (no pun intended) while we shower. She asks us to disrupt the taming of women by our action in the world. To summarize Ava DuVernay, forget about breaking the glass ceiling, make your own building. The last thing I would want to be is CEO of a corporation (although we need women there), so that gave me a new perspective. 

Glennon tells me I am a writer if I wonder if I am a writer day in and day out, if I envy writers. I won't say envy in that I want to be anyone else or live their life, but envy in the sense that successful writers have committed to allowing their words to flow out and are touching others. 

And she ends the book with my favorite meditation. 

I am

I am

I am

This is not a fill in the blank, but what has been described to me as the nearest we can get to God. 

Upsidedown and Sideways

One of the 'exciting' things I decided to do during quarantine is borrow a friends headstand contraption. There may be a fancier name for it but I don't know it.

When Cal was here I asked if he wanted to try it. He wanted a demonstration first. I easily flipped up into this position:

Cal promptly goes, "That's the most athletic thing I've ever seen you do, Mom."

It doesn't get any better than that.

Nephew

Adam was the first nephew on both sides of his family. No nieces either. Uncle Kevin mailed me a stash of photos that arrived today that are precious to me. Never seen them before, or my memory has failed me. It's like a new window into my boy.

Like finding his Instagram account, and the girl pictured in one of my favorite photos of him. Those comments, those stories, these new pictures, they sustain and help me so much. I hope I keep discovering these pieces of him until we meet again.

I stumbled on this blog today, and these two boys, Rob and Adam, could be brothers.

https://thesandandthewater.net/