Adam

 by Betsy Vick, as shared with family on Thanksgiving Day

I attended the 2023 Suicide Loss Day on Nov 18, and we made collages to represent our loved

ones. Then we shared what our collages meant. I said Adam was the first grandchild and my

sister’s oldest boy, and she always called him her Best Boy. He was an amazing kid and

exceptional young man. I was always happiest when the cousins were together, and they share

so much history. They also had a lot of fun. Even though he left too soon, Adam’s life was well

lived. He always challenged me and inspired me to think. The impact he had on others was so

great, and we didn’t fully realize that until after he was gone, and we met all these wonderful

people in his life we didn’t know. If he were your friend, he would be your fierce defender, but he

could also be fiercely competitive and argumentative at times. The candle and sun represent

that Adam will always be a light in our lives. I also believe that where there is love, there is hope.

What I didn’t mention was the dream part, where I was going to say that it doesn’t happen often,

but that we look for Adam in our dreams. That night before I went to bed, I thought, “I wish I

would see Adam in my dreams tonight.” I woke up at 4:17 (Calhoun?) to go the bathroom. I

usually have trouble falling back asleep, but I fell back asleep right away and when I woke up, I

remembered the dream I was having.

Susan and I were with Eli, Cal and Emery at some kind of amusement park, but it wasn’t a place

we’d been to in real life. Eli and Cal were teenagers and Emery was around 12—about the same

ages as in the picture. We were on this speed boat going really fast and the spray was hitting

our faces, and we were laughing. It was wonderful. At the end of the ride, everyone got into

these into little floating capsules, and we drifted into a line to finish the “ride.” I wasn’t really sure

what the ride had been—other than the speed boat part—but we were gathered in this kind of

café area at the end, and in walks someone who looks like Adam in a shiny, black scuba diving

outfit and all you can see is his face. And then I remembered that the ride we had been on,

when you start, you give the operator a picture of someone and then they create this kind of AI

avatar and Adam was our protector in this ride/game we were in. If we were in danger, he would

jump in front of us to save us. When this avatar walked in, I ran to him and gave him a hug, and

said, “I love you” and he hugged me back and said, “I love you, too.” I knew it was a false

version of Adam, but it seemed so nice to hug him and sort of experience having him back. I

said to Susan, “I would ride that ride over and over just to get to the end and share that hug

again” and she said, “So would I.”

We left that area, and it was time to leave and no one really wanted to but everyone wandered

away, and I had won a case of Dr. Pepper somehow and I was trying to collect it. It turned out

they were out of Dr. Pepper, and I walked out of this area where I was trying to get this free gift

and I entered this video arcade type place—lots of lights and noises. I was kind of disappointed

about the Dr. Pepper and the day ending, and I saw this group of young men gathered shoving

each other. It was hard for me to tell if they were friends just joshing around or if they were

arguing, and out of this group, I heard a voice. I don’t know what he said, but I knew it was

Adam’s voice, and I shouted really loud, “Adam!” He emerged out of that group and came over

to me, looking mildly irritated and kind of sharply said, “What!?!?” as if I were bothering him. I

just stared at him because he was so real and unlike that avatar I’d seen earlier. He was wearing

a t-shirt and jeans, and his hair was falling in his eyes. I was so stunned. This was the real Adam

appearing at this amusement park. I said, “I didn’t know you were here.” And his face softened,

he smiled and he gripped my forearms really tight and I held his forearms and he said in that kind

of half-joking way of his…”Where did you think I’d be?” Then I woke up, feeling this surge of

gratitude that Adam must have heard me the day before talking about him and somehow knew I

asked him to visit me in a dream. Where did I think he’d be? He reminded me that he is always

with us, of course.