Today Pat and I moved my mom’s Queen mattress set to our
house. We are hoping this is the last moving we do for a while. Mom had
casually mentioned wanting to get a new bed last spring, and offering me or my
kids her old bed, which has been fairly lightly used. This finally came to
fruition today. (Never mind she doesn’t have a bed to sleep on now…*)
The past year and a half have involved more change and
movement than I care to think about.
2016 started with the terrible news of Adam’s suicide in February. We
were shaken to our core, but soon learned life keeps moving. Eli graduated
college in May 2016 followed by Cal in December 2016. Both earned teaching
degrees and credentials. Eli married the love of his life Hannah on June 4,
2016. Our lives were enriched as Hannah joined our family, while we continued
to grieve in our own ways Adam’s not being here to celebrate the milestones
together. Eli took a teaching job close to Macomb and the newlyweds got their
first apartment together. Some of our furniture moved in with them. We acquired
more to fill in the spaces. With Eli and Cal venturing out into the world, and
knowing Adam would never return home, Pat eventually cleaned out and
redecorated all three of their bedrooms.
I now have a sunny yellow meditation room and a deep blue
guest room. I slept in Adam’s old room for over a year, and it has recently
been repurposed a dark green to house our part time guest, Regine, a graduate
student from Cameroon.
I was lucky to be able to travel and help move Eli and
Hannah earlier this month to Gainesville, FL where they will both be graduate
assistants and earning their Master degrees (trumpet performance and musicology
respectively). This necessitated some
more furniture moving and giving away of pieces. Cal quickly followed with
equipping his first solo apartment in Lincoln, IL with several large items from
our house, including his bed. He will be teaching 7th graders social
studies and geography and coaching 3 sports.
It is exciting and satisfying to see my ducklings take
flight, but of course we will miss having them close and dependent on us. All
this moving and rearranging and reorganizing brings emotions of pride,
happiness, and sadness for the new lives that are starting, and the one that
has ended. The good days outweigh the dark days, but know that Adam is never
far from my thoughts, even if I look or feel “fine.”
Some things I have learned (and re-learned) through these
changes: appreciate the little things (clean sheets, a beautiful sunset, cooler
weather, legs and arms that can ride a bicycle, the ability to pay a bill), ask
for help and accept it, let your emotions be okay, take time for yourself to be
quiet and take a risk or two.
I recently spoke to the Macomb Rotary Club about the Out of
the Darkness Walk. It was terrifying to stand in front of a large group and
speak my truth about Adam and suicide. But, I will not stay silent and pretend
suicide cannot affect anyone. Two fathers of boys from Adam’s high school class
were in the audience. A dialogue was started within the meeting, and I was
approached afterwards with meaningful sharing. My heart felt so full after
doing this.
When I attended my first Out of the Darkness Walk in 2013,
it was with my dear cousin Laurie in mind. I never thought I would be touched
by suicide again, or in such a profound way. I started Macomb’s first Out of
the Darkness Walk in 2016 to honor Adam’s memory, to cope with my own grief,
and to do something about preventing suicide from bringing down more lives. I
will again be coordinating the Macomb Walk September 23rd and
walking in the Springfield, IL Walk October 14.
I would appreciate your prayers, thoughts, support, or donations at www.macombwalk.org , www.springfieldwalk.org or by mail to
417 E. Calhoun St. Macomb, IL 61455 for the American Foundation for Suicide
Prevention (AFSP).
*lest you think I left my mother bed-less, she chose to
procrastinate buying a new bed and will be sleeping on a hide-a-bed, stating
that she won’t get a new bed until she gets sick of sleeping in the living room
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